Joseph, are you alright?” As her lovely, pink lips uttered those three words that I’ve been dreading ever since I had arrived here, I can’t help but want to lean over the table, grab her and kiss her. Then I wouldn’t have to tell her. She’d never know. Well, she would find out eventually but at least I could put it off until later on. God, here I go again! Procrastinating again! Plus, this time, it’s important and I know this, but I just don’t know how to say it. Maybe if I just jump on this table and scream it for all the world to hear?! Would that make them happy? Ugh, I don’t know. I just know it has to be tonight. I’ve been putting it off for a week now, the idiot that I am. I have to sit here, and tell my girlfriend of eight months that my own parents, hell, my entire family don’t even like her.
“Well, uh, I’m glad you asked that, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…” Swallowing, I realized my hands were practically shaking as she was staring at me with a look of terror in her eyes. She looks so scared, like she knows what I’m going to say. God, how could I be stupid? Of course she knew! She always knew when something was not right with me.
“Oh my god. Are you pregnant?” She snickered, but stopped when I didn’t laugh.
"Remember how you met my parents last week? And you thought they didn’t like you and that you did something wrong? But I told you first impressions weren’t everything? Well turns out I was wrong, because after you left, they told me to break up with you. I-I-I’m sorry Nicole. I really am, you have no idea…” My heart’s been going so fast, I’m practically hyperventilating. I slowly looked up at her, into her eyes, and saw the tears welling up inside of her.
"I… they… what?” Blubbering wasn’t something I saw in her often but I didn’t blame her, I hated myself just for telling her this. I tried to speak but she leaned into the table, looking into my eyes, whispering, “And what did you say.” My mouth practically dropped, I didn’t mean for this to sound like I was breaking up with her.
"Oh god, Nicole, I didn’t, I mean,” I could barely speak, I could feel my mouth rambling, while my brain had no control. “I said I wouldn’t. I told them that we’re in love and I couldn’t be with you. And it’s all true, I swear it. I hope you know that.” Smiling, she looked into to me, she always had her ways of doing that.
"I do know it Joseph, I just needed to hear it from you. I think it’s amazing you stood up to your parents for me but I just, I think I need to be alone right now. Just for a little while. To think.” As she stood up, I did too, I couldn’t just let her walk away.
"Nicole, I -” Interrupting me, she walked over to me, and leaned into me, running her fingers through my hair.
"Joseph, I know this must have been hard for you to tell me but, I need my space right now. I’ve been waiting to meet your parents for so long and you have to know that I can’t take something like this lightly. You must of known that.” Nodding, I put my arms around her tiny waist as she rested her head on my chest.
need you. You’re everything to me.” I whispered as I held her, squeezing her body closer to mine. After a moment, she pushed away, and picked up her handbag.
“I know. And I love you. It’s going to be okay, this is just a bump in the road. It’s nothing we can’t handle. You’ll see.” As she began to leave, I grabbed her, kissing her passionately, and she kissed back, but then pulled back. I let her go, I knew I had to, and I couldn’t control everything that had happened. As I sat down, I sunk into my seat, holding back the tears, as I watched her walk out of the restaurant.
-------------------------------------------------
The following week had to have been the worst week I had ever endured in my entire exsistence. Time didn't mean anything, everything would just bleed together like rain, as my tears consumed my days and nights. I truly believed I was a weak person, for I had been told my entire life that men were not supposed to cry because they were supposed to be strong while the women could weep, but not in front of us so called men. I didn't care though, I cried endlessly, I couldn't hold it back anymore. What I had done, what I had said, I was afraid that I had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me and even thinking that very thought made me feel disgusted with myself, and left me feeling empty, alone and scared. So scared that I'd curl up in a ball at night and just cry myself to sleep, hoping to be woken up by her calling me the next morning, but it never happened. Until exactly a month after our date, and I hesitated to pick up because I knew if I did, it probably wouldn't be a good phone call. It might be about the very thing I dreaded most in this world. Losing her.
*Ring.*
My heart began to race as I stumbled through the piles of takeout dishes and empty beer cans.
*Ring.*
I knew I had to pick it up, but I was just staring at this object that had become lifeless as I had in these past weeks.
*Ri-* I picked it up, scrambling with it, hesitating for a moment, unsure of what to say.
"H-hello?" I stuttered, sweat dripping down my forehead, my heart pounding oh so ever painfully as my stomach twisted into knots.
"Joseph. It's Nicole. Can I come over? I think I'm ready to speak to you." She spoke so calmy, like nothing had happened. That's exactly what frightened me.
"Uh, yah. O-of course you can." I spoke shakily, I nearly dropped the phone I was so terrified.
"Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes." As she hung up the phone, my heart raced. I think I'm ready to speak to you. is what she said. What does that mean? Like, now that she's thought about it, she's ready to break up with me? Oh dear god. Shut up Joseph, Shut up, Shut up. Putting down the phone, I wouldn't be suprised if I went into a panic attack right that second. I had no idea what she was thinking, what she would do, how she felt about me. I love her so damn much. I don't want this to end. Please, god, don't let it end. Not like this.
I waited patiently by my door, like I was back in high school again, completely on edge off of espresso after being up all night, studying for a final exam the next morning. Only I wasn't 16 anymore, I was 26, a grown up, which meant I couldn't be afraid to confront my girlfriend, who was obviously oh so ready to talk to me about the horrifying news I had told her just a week ago. Ready to pounce at any sign of movement I heard. Then finally, someone came up to my door, and lightly tapped on it, and that was the moment when my heart just stopped. It was like slow motion, and the whole world fell away as I got up slowly, reached for the door knob, opened the door and saw her. In my whole life, there had never been another moment when I had been happier to see someone. She looked so beautiful and I felt so awful, for I knew I had hurt her.
"Hi." God, she must think so little of me, the way I was dressed, my unshaven chin and unwashed clothing in full sight.
"Hey." She spoke so softly and moved with that utterly beautiful grace that I still remember noticing the first time I saw her. She moved past me, like I was a ghost.
"Look Nicole, I know what you must feel-"
"Do you Joseph? I mean, how could you? I understand that you feel bad or whatever because you hurt me but you don't know what I've been thinking, what I feel or why I'm here. You have no clue. You've just been sitting here, obviously feeling sorry for yourself that you might soon enough be pathetic and single like the rest of the men in your building." Her tone was harsh, but she was right. I had no idea, but I wish I did. My chest hurt because my heart was racing so fast.
"Well no, but-" Again, she interrupted me.
"So just shut up. I'm sorry to be such a b***h but I cried for hours that night. You have no idea what it's like to have someone you love, and give them and their family everything and then their family just hates you. I mean god, they told you to break up with me! I mean, who does that? I know you haven't really done anything wrong here but tell me the truth, it's just, I'm upset and I've been upset for so long. I just know you can't understand what I'm feeling. I wanted so much for your family to like me, I did nothing wrong and you tell me they hate me? It's just so terrible."
"Nicole, you told me that this was just a bump in the road, that you thought me standing up to my parents was amazing, why are you taking this out on me? I did everything I could to make them like you. You left before I could even explain why they don't like you. You did everything right, but it's nothing you did. It's kind of who you are." She had to understand why they didn't like her, it wasn't her fault, it was them. It was always them.
"Wait, what do you mean, it's who I am. I was myself, if that's what you mean."
"No. It's not what you say, how you dress, how you act, not even your personality. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" She stared at me blankly, then a confused look came across her face, I wasn't getting through to her at all, not even a little bit.
"Yea, um, what the hell are you talking about."
"God. Nicole. How can I see this in basic terms. Um, it's like this. They're chinese, as am I," I looked at her and her facial expression was slowly turning from confused to just plain pissed off, "and you're not." She just sat there, her mouth dropped open, and began to shake, she didn't even flip out on me.
"Oh my god..." was all she said, as I could see the tears welling up in her sky blue eyes.
"Nicole. Please. I'm sorry."
"Your family. They're all... disgusting." Now, that, I was not not at all prepared for. Nor was I going to take that kind of insult to my family.
"Hey. That's uncalled for okay? Sure they're a little close minded but they're family. They are not disgusting. They just can't see how amazing you are."
"A little close minded? What the hell is the matter with you? They're all awful, to say such a thing about me, to have such a pathetic reason to dislike me! Did you even stand up for me or was that a lie?"
"Of course I stood up for you, how can you ask me that?! But I can not just sit here and let you insult my family this way! I realize they stepped out of line but now you're doing the same!"
"They don't want us to be together because I'm not of asian origin. How can you think that's okay? How can you sit here and tell me that I'm stepping out of line, how can you not expect me to get up over this? You're acting like it's not big deal, when it so is." She was being so, so, I don't even know. This was just a colour on her that I'd never seen before and I didn't like it. In fact, I was down right pissed off.
"Just. Get. Out."
"What? We're not done here."
"Yes, we are. Now get out before I do some thing that I'll definitely regret."
"Fine. When you're ready to speak, I'll be waiting. You love me, I know you do. Don't let it end. Not like this." As she left, I nearly slammed the door in her face, I was so angry. Never in all my life, had anyone made as angry as she did that day. It's funny how fast you can go from feeling sorry to plain pissed off in a matter of minutes. I plopped down on my bed and screamed bloody murder into my pillow. I didn't know who I was more angry with but I couldn't live without my family, or Nicole. They were both so incredibly precious to me. Just like the night I felt as though I broke her heart, I cried myself to sleep that night. In hopes that tomorrow would be a better day.
I didn't wake up the next day, not at all. I didn't wake up because I never went to sleep the night before. I didn't understand anything. My heart was telling me one thing, but my mind was telling me something completely different, and I thought that I was going to go completely insane. The previous night, I'd said so many things. Things I never thought that I'd say to the love of my life, but some how, I did anyways. The thing that I didn't understand though, was that I felt bad about it. Like it was my fault some how, but I knew, that it wasn't. My family was all I had before Nicole, and the fact that she'd insult them when she knew that, was just appauling to me.
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