Chapter 1: The Binds of my Nobility

Chapter 1: The Binds of my Nobility

A Chapter by Sairek Ceareste
"

The hallways of the castle were ink black. The library door was only open a small crack as to not raise suspicion that someone was inside... A boy who sat at a desk, candle lit, reading a large book.

"

"Mmm... It's so hard to read in this candle light... But any brighter and people could easily tell I slipped in here...


Ah... here it is... this should tell me what I want to know..."




Yggdrasil:

Yggdrasil is the tree of life. It is the tree that holds the world together and produces all life on earth, generally within the form of flora and fauna, but indirectly all creatures and living beings that exist on the planet as well, since creatures require the plants on earth to sustain life. It is said that the tree exists deep within the core of the earth where all of its roots connect around the world. These roots are believed to inject life into the soil that produces plants. The Yggdrasil tree is involved with "The Cycle of Life"
(Page 284). The tree consumes the mana-like substance 'Ethereal' (Page 203)
to sustain itself. If for any reason the amount of quantity of Ethereal drops to hazardous levels, then the world will begin to decay as a whole; for it is the substance of Ethereal that gives the tree energy within its roots to output the power to keep the world sustained and healthy. If the tree does withdraw too much Ethereal, while such a case has never happened or been recorded, it is rumored that the planet will over burst with life, overcrowding the population. This has not been proven, but suggested and believed as the most accurate theory with the study of the trees' ability to starve for Ethereal which would decrease the amount of total life on the planet. Again, this has not been recorded in history to happen because the tree has be known to not consume more than is required to healthily sustain the planet.




"So... what does it mean, exactly? Does the tree have the ability to react and think for itself? Is it just instinct? Maybe it is, kind of like a mother's instinct...

*sigh...* Mother... In a way, every living creature is a child to the tree... I guess...


Ethereal... maybe if I learned about it more I can understand the what happened to her better... maybe I can understand... what... went wrong... Page 203... 203...... Yes, here it is."




Ethereal:

Ethereal, or known as "Ether" for short, is a substance commonly used for alchemical projects and mana for magicians since it is a substance that can easily be drawn. It is known as the substance of life and thus it contains the four basic elements the world is made up of. This is why it is popular to withdraw for magicians because it is more plentiful than oxygen in the air which we breathe. As long as there is a place that has plant life, the substance will be present. Even so, it can still exists in areas such as wastelands or deserts, but the amount of it is significantly reduced. It is believed that this is why deserts and wastelands exist; because there is not enough Ether to sustain plant life there for anything else to live and grow. While Ether is known for its medical properties, it is however too little on the surface to help cure wounds unless concentrated, such as concocted into a potion. Ethereal is far more concentrated and common in caves and deep sections of the planet. Ethereal is released from the soil and since all living life consumes the substance, when that living being or plant decomposes or wilts, the Ethereal is released back within the soil, which is reused by Yggdrasil, the Tree of Life
(Page 167) in "The Cycle of Life" (Page 284). Ethereal is a substance consumed by Yggdrasil which is consumed through the trees' roots deep within the planet. It is rumored the highest concentration of Ethereal is where the Yggdrasil tree rests, which is in the center of the planet.




"These pages all seem to be linked together... Unfortunately, I already knew everything about Ethereal that seems to be in this book. It's a little weird that this book would write about basic knowledge stuff like this...

Since Yggdrasil and Ethereal are connected with the 'Cycle of Life', maybe if I read that I'll maybe find out what happened to her better...?"




The Cycle of Life:

The Cycle of life combines the Yggdrasil Tree (
Page 167) and Ethereal (Page 203). The Yggdrasil Tree consumes Ethereal as food. This in turn produces life for the planet, such as creatures and plants. If a creature were to die, then Ethereal is released from the corpse, which eventually will make it back into the soil for the Yggdrasil Tree to feed on, to produce a new being of life. Things that die, rebirth into something new, which in turn will eventually die again, to once again be reborn into something new. It has been rumored that if this balance were too go unstable, such as the tree not being able to withdraw enough Ethereal, the world would begin to slowly produce less and less life until--




*Slam!*



"… … ...I was reading that, father... Couldn't you just yell at me instead of scaring me like that next time?"


"Sairek... you know what time it is."


"…Yes... It's midnight, I know."


"...You can’t fool me and play dumb like that. Again, what time is it?"


"*Sigh...* It is two hours, seventeen minutes and thirty-eight seconds past midnight, father..."


"This is the third day this week I've caught you in here at this type of hour. I am glad that you like studying the systems on how the world works, Sairek. However, you do need to learn when too much is just too much. I can't believe I have to keep asking you to study less of all things! If you can’t get any decent sleep, it won’t do you any good. Considering you will be performing your magic arts tomorrow in front of the public eyes of the people in Marid, I would like to think of you at least trying to being a little bit more responsible."


"…I still don’t see why I have to prove myself as a combat magician. My spells are hardly any good for combat and the whole idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I'm only eight-years-old yet, yes I am nearing the ninth age, but still, father... It's too soon for you to make me present myself like this! What if I don't learn any more spells for years? I'm going to just look like an idiot..."



"Sairek, I know you are disappointed that you cannot cast any major spells, but most children your age can only at most cast one or two spells and those are generally from the same element. You can cast one spell from each of the four elements. You should be proud, even if they are minor, it is a great accomplishment!"


"Oh really... and just what am I to possibly do in a combat situation then father that you are going to be putting me in?

Soak my foe with a jet of water?

Make them annoyed by having wind blow in their face?

Throw chunks of dirt at him without using my hands or maybe make a little hill to get in their way?

The only decent combat spell I even know is 'balinzer'; but the heat from the flame is too dangerous to use because it would be considered lethal. And I..."


Sairek closed his eyes and sighed as he looked away from his father and straight ahead of him.


"...It’d be much more efficient to actually just whack my enemy over the head with my staff... not to fight and show off spells that do nothing virtually nothing. Balinzer, the one spell I’m even remotely proud of... and I can’t even use it tomorrow...?"


"Do not be worried. You know the combat is nothing more than a mere villager who’s volunteered to help you in your studies, it's also for your mentors to help realize what else you need to improve on and determine the next few subjects to work on next."



Sairek turned his head away in defiance, but his father continued on.



"No harm will come of you and the public knows already. They just want nothing more to see your progress. You are after all, their future..."


"More like they just want something to laugh at, if you ask me… This entire thing is ridiculous."


"They will laugh at you for sure if you fall asleep standing up because you didn't go to bed. It’s time for you to get to sleep. Don’t make yourself feel worse by feeling the effects of drowsiness to be the first thing to welcome you tomorrow."


"...Yes, father."


Sairek got a pat on the shoulder before he heard his father step away back out to the hallway. Sairek eyed the candle which he had used to dimly light the room. He positioned his hand towards the candle. The palm of his hand opened up.

"Wuaie," he whispered softly motioning his hand to blow out the candle. Instead, all the flame did was dance around as a weak wind blew that couldn’t even overpower one single flame. Sairek grunted in disgust and disappointment. It was possible to blow it out had he been holding his staff, the energy was much easier to draw from it ten-fold... but he left that in his bedroom chamber. Without the staff, he was literally incapable of casting spells except for results that were like this. His staff was the best type of staff there was; and Sairek believed the only reason he could cast spells and make as much progress as he did was because of it; not because he was a good learner. It was the staff that was great; not him...



Defeated by a mere candle flame, he hissed the flame out by pinching it with his index finger and thumb. The library nearly instantly turned black.









The morning sun streaked through the bedroom window, shining on Sairek’s upper torso as his maid, Laure, was dressing him up for preparation for the day. He was standing and was only wearing undergarments as his only clothing for the moment. Sairek, despite his studying and being holed up in the castle nearly every single day, was still semi athletic. His formal clothes were far from light. When he had first put them on years ago, Sairek had trouble just walking in them. They may as well had been weighted clothing for training. Over the years, Sairek had grown used to the burden they were. As his size grew, the size of the clothing had to be replaced and as a result only got heavier, as his clothes were generally knitted now and then to accommodate his growing body. Laure handed him some light blue and semi baggy leggings, which Sairek responded by pulling them up his legs. The first part of many for his formal clothing.

"You seem troubled, master. Are you that worried?" Laure asked him.

"Yes. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you can tell... then again, I suppose subconsciously I want people to notice." Sairek muttered distastefully as he pulled the pant leggings up.

"You will do fine, I assure you. You are known to be able to think instantly to solutions at problems that come your way. If you keep thinking negatively it will impact your judgement in the decisions you need to make." Was the response she gave.

Laure, was a middle-aged woman. Her hair was naturally white which made her look older than she was, but she didn't really have any wrinkles on her face yet, although they would soon be coming. She wore a dress all the maids in the castle wore, a plain purple dress, decorated with snowy white patterns on the front. The violet on her dress matched the color of her deep clear eyes. She was a little bit taller for a female than most were. She had been here in the castle for a long time; longer than Sairek himself had been at the castle despite him being here since the day he had been born.

Sairek lifted his arms, as next a rather padded sky blue shirt which matched his pants perfectly, went over his head and fit onto the rest of his body, temporarily blinding him with the cloth until his head popped out from the other side of the shirt. Laure pushed the child’s dark brown hair back into place from any ruffling the shirt had caused it. Sairek dropped his arms, as he bowed his head down somewhat, as next a light-yellow tabard went over his head; hanging down his back and in front of him down to his knees on both sides. Sairek lift his head up to look at Laure, as she held up a light brown leather belt and secured it around his waist and over the ta-bard. This kept the cloth from flailing everywhere and getting in the way while keeping the look. The belt was thin and sunk into his the thickness of his clothes when it was secured tightly..

After that, Sairek bowed his head down one more time. A red cape went over his head; the long cloth pushed by Laure to drape along his back; stretching down enough to only be inches off of the ground had he been standing upright. Laure tied the front of the cape, shaping it almost like a ribbon to make sure the cloth wouldn't just fall off behind Sairek. Next, a dark blue hood went over his head, the insides of the hood was golden yellow. It rested on top of the red cape. The hood had a sparkling white jewel attached to it and when placed on correctly, it would be at the center of Sairek’s upper collar. Sairek soon pulled himself back, standing erect as his head tilted downwards to stare at the gem, seeing it was placed right. It was after all, his deceased mother’s. He wanted to make sure all could see it. To him, it was the most important piece of his formal set.

Sairek nodded in confirmation that it was placed correctly before sitting down in the seat behind him which was made of hardwood and had a red cushion on it. He soon lifted up his right leg, he felt his foot slipping into light brown leather boots. Once they were on, he dropped that leg, lifting his other one, with the same process. Laure reached into a bag seated beside her, as silver ankle guards for his shoes were now being inserted into place, not only decorating the boots with the silver to show his royal status, but also protecting his ankles from too much damage. They were silver, but made of thick, hardened, reinforced steel underneath. Not too many things could damage his ankles easily with either a sharp weapon, or a blunt weapon. The silver steel was good at cushioning the impact.

Sairek soon held out his arms in front of him. Brown leather gloves slid into his hands. The gloves were actually rather simple, although made with excellent quality. On the back of each glove, was a silver plate, just like his ankle guards, it was there to protect him. The steel however, was not quite as thick as his ankles, but still provided great protection. Sairek wiggled his fingers when the gloves were fitted on, getting used to their feel for only a moment. They were secured on properly.


Sairek soon pushed himself up and was guided over to his bedroom mirror. He looked at himself before Laure tapped him on the shoulder. He looked, seeing she held his staff. He nodded, taking it. It looked like a simple gnarled wooden staff. Crafted just for him and thus it was for his size. However, the wood was from Yggdrasil itself. A root from the tree to be specific; and it wasn’t even the entire root; it was but a 'small' chunk of it. It took months to cut into the wood and craft it into a small staff for his size. The Yggdrasil tree's bark rivaled the durability of diamond. Diamond seemed to have won; but Yggdrasil's bark was a very close second to being the hardest material in the world. Diamond tools had to be used to even scratch the bark let alone taking 3 months to cut out a small chunk that took even longer to craft. These staffs were very rare because not just anybody could get them, any since Yggdrasil and Ethereal were pretty much connected, it naturally drew in Ethereal for spell casting, which was why Sairek felt the staff was more special than he was. Sairek could draw only the tiniest fractions of the energy by himself and that was why his spells were so pathetic.

 

He could wield the staff fine as a child since it was for his size, meaning he could use it just as any adult could use a normal staff. It could be used as a walking stick for him too, which Sairek had a habit of doing when he was not using it for anything else even though he could walk on both feet just fine. It could be wielded in one hand to cast spells; despite how weak he believed they were. He could also hold it two-handed to protect himself if it ever came to melee combat... which he practiced often. Since the staff was made out of a root from Yggdrasil, it meant that most, if not all weapons made out of metal would not be able to even chip off a piece of his staff. In fact, the staff might be able to break the weapons instead of getting chopped or broken by them.

 



 

 

Looking back to the mirror, he surveyed himself with his own emerald green eyes. He even posed a little; adopting to his ‘formal stance’ as he dubbed it. A stance where he stood, left hand at his side balled into a fist and his right hand on his staff which stood at his side. He tried to wear a simple expression on his face as he observed himself to make sure he looked proper. It was imperative that a Prince not show his emotions in case anyone tried to use it against him. For example, if he showed fear, then others may be able to use it against him. He would be speaking in front of the village and if he couldn't fail to keep in his innate feel as he felt right now, it probably wouldn't go over very well. Satisfied that he looked presentable. the fake expression faded away as he turned back to Laure who was watching him from the side of the room.


"How much longer is left before I need to do this?" Sairek asked in a worried tone.

"Not much longer before we depart for the event, master. We wouldn’t have had to outfit you immediately in your combat gear otherwise. You have my sympathy; it is such a hot day out for such an outfit and to be doing something so physically active."

Sairek dreaded when Laure called it his combat gear instead of his formal clothes. They were unfortunately not only formal, but indeed made for combat as well and it was obviously apparent. They wouldn't get ruined very easily, albeit dirty was a different story. And this is why he wore the clothes so much; his entire set up was armor essentially. Every fabric on the exception of his hood and cape was reinforced with some bits of armor and padding inside to soften blows. Sairek himself, was quite light-weight. Shoving him and knocking him off of his two feet would be a simple task if the clothes weren't so heavy.

"Yes…" Sairek mumbled after drowning out the thoughts. "I wouldn’t look like a noble, let alone a Prince if I wasn’t wearing three different layers of clothing further padded with other bits of cloth leather and bits of reinforced steel inside and outside of them with further more cloth seated on my shoulders and brushing against the back of the head in the slim chance it were rain in the the middle of a clear sky humid summer afternoon... now would I?" He took a deep breath as he purposely made the response a run-on sentence and then chuckled a little as did Laure. Sairek glanced at the mirror as he did so, glad he wore some form of small smile on his face despite the dread he was feeling.

"Aye." Laure said in agreement and continued. "Would you like me to pack extra water for you in case you become dehydrated or are to be overwhelmed by the heat, master?"

The Prince closed his emerald eyes, thinking about the offer. If she was offering water for him to drink in the public, it must have been really bad out there. "I would appreciate that a lot. Yes, please."

"Oh, there is one more thing, master..."

Sairek slowly opened his eyes and cocked his head to the side curiously. "One more thing?" He asked.

Laure reached back into her bag, pulling out a book; the same one Sairek had been reading in the dark morning hours. He looked at the book and then at her curiously with a questioning look that was supported with a raised eyebrow.

"How did you know?" Sairek asked and then spoke again. "Actually, better yet, how did you get that?"

"Your father told -- ...complained... about it out loud earlier. I simply asked which book you were reading. He didn't tell me directly because he couldn't remember, so I asked what was in the book. I've read this before myself, so I figured this was it. You may have enough time to finish the section you were reading on and maybe another before we go to breakfast and are to depart." She shrugged. "Who knows, it may help calm your nerves a little, yes?"

"Oh! Thank you Laure!" The boy responded with a grin. "Yes, I was reading about ‘The Cycle of Life’, wasn’t I?"

Laure seemed to c**k her head a little bit as Sairek took the book in his hands. "Master, if you don't mind my intrusion... you was trying to research for information again, weren't you?"


The smile faded from Sairek's face as he soon let out a sigh. "Yeah, I was... I still can't find anything mentioning anything similar... I thought looking up anything related to Yggdrasil, Ethereal or the Cycle of Life itself would have at least given me a hint."

"Master, if it was a disease nobody had known or seen before, I don't think anyone would have written about it."

This was one of the reason Sairek like Laure; she was his maid but she was also a friend. She would place her own opinions where she believed they may be needed, sometimes contradicting his own. Usually it was to help give him a clearer view at the situation.

"I understand Laure, but reading books is the only thing I can do to find anything about it... I can only just read until I see something that may give me a hint; or read and find nothing."

His eyes transformed into a more of a serious glare as he continued speaking.

"It hit once. It can hit again. We don't know anything about the disease except that it can kill. Since I was still inside mother's womb when it had hit and it had happened so suddenly, for all I know it could be inside of me too... the symptoms may just not have shown yet. It could take several years to show the symptoms. Aside from me, if she had caught the disease somehow, then there is a way to catch it. And just someday, someone else may catch it too. I don't want anyone to feel as helpless as Father and I did being able to do nothing but just falsely hope..."

Laure nodded slowly at the child's words, understanding his reasoning now. She moved over, placing both her hands on Sairek's shoulders as she knelt down to his level and spoke.


"Remember Sairek. You may be the Prince and second in command of this entire kingdom, but you are still just a child. While I know you envy the other children who are out and about, playing freely and you feel trapped within the walls of riches you and your father own... just remember that it is too early for you to act like an adult. You only get to be a child only once in this life...  it truly is just a short time that you will be able to experience this. If you’re too curious to satisfy your questions instead of live, then you will miss that opportunity until your next cycle of birth. Studying can be done throughout a life-time. Childhood happens only once."

"…I… will remember that well. Thank you, Laure."

Laure stood up slowly, releasing her hands from his shoulders and then bowed to her master, then she soon turned around and stepped out of Sairek’s bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her. Sairek turned to his study desk while holding the book in his left hand. Taking his seat, he leaned his staff along the wall and soon turned to the page he was on previously. He continued from where he left off.



"…the world will begin to slowly produce less and less life until the amount of Ethereal can be recovered to normal levels. This has only happened once in recorded history where the Yggdrasil tree had been infected with a special type of virus that was cast upon it by a mad man. Although the tree recovered on its own, the Ethereal was wasted in fueling the virus, rather then being consumed by the tree. When the tree recovered from the disease, it starved for Ethereal and consumed large quantities at once. The decay of the world was recovered in a short time, but created a massive burst in growth at once. Eventually, the tree balanced out the system on its own accord and the life quantity on the planet slowly balanced out to be normal again. In the event that the tree never could recover from being unable to withdraw Ethereal, or if there was no Ethereal to withdraw, the world would have to rely on itself to live on. The world may also suffer extremely dangerous natural disasters, such as twisters, earthquakes and so on, since the tree would not be in control to keep the planet together. In essence, the world may literally split into pieces as the tree is the key to holding the continental plates together. It is of the utmost importance that The Cycle of Life is not to be tampered with in either way, as it could effect the entire planet and the very way all creatures live or even die."



© 2012 Sairek Ceareste


Author's Note

Sairek Ceareste
Chapter last changed on August 01, 2012


Changelog: [Aug. 1st, 2012]

- Fixed my stupidity and reoccurring problem of putting commas after 'and' ALL the time

-Altered the reason why Sairek was looking through the book from trying to study spells to trying to seemingly find the answer to something

- Added an extra conversation at the end of the chapter between Sairek and Laure about what Sairek had been reading about and why.

- Various other typo fixes.



Changelog: [Apr. 15th, 2012]

- Several more typo fixes

- Some small alterations of dialogue and descriptions

- Added dialogue of Sairek's while he is reading the book to give a little bit more perspective on what is happening, which guides the reader to know Sairek a little bit better while helping guide them what each topic is.



Changelog: [Dec. 27th, 2011]
- Fixed several spelling and grammatical errors.

- Edited and altered a lot of the text. This does not change the approach nor conclusion of how the chapter lays out. It is made to make all the text more understandable and the transitions of sentence to sentence far smoother.

- I forgot a piece of Sairek's clothing (his ta-bard) and so I have added that into the text.

- Finally decided an appearance setting for Laure and so I have added that in.

-The font for the book at the start of the chapter (Trebuchet) and the font for the book at the end of the chapter (Times) were different before. This has been fixed and both use the Trebuchet font now.


NOTE:
Through testing, I have noticed that Internet Explorer has problems with the text around the picture. I.E. will stick text to the right side of it for some reason. I get no problems when I am using Firefox. I don't know how it looks on Google Chrome, but do note that if you are using Internet Explorer, the text may appear out of place for you. I even tried this chapter using my 3DS and even it displays the chapter just fine, so I'm lead to believe it's something to do with Internet Explorer. I've tried remedying it, but I can't without moving the text two screens down; which I am not going to do. Sorry.

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Reviews

@Ace D Portgas

The magic will be different from Harry Potter; honest. Truth be told, I actually dislike J.K. Rowling. Although, not as a writer, but just because several times she's shown herself to be a real a*s; specifically she sued one guy just because he made a family tree of the Harry Potter series for children. I don't even believe he was making money off of it, if he even could have. But I suppose that's a different subject.


The huge paragraph is actually on purpose. It was to show a timegap. I suppose I could use *'s across the split it up, but I honestly find them ugly.


It took me literally hours to think up Sairek's name. I went through many different names, but eventually Sairek just fit the best. Ironically, I began typing out jibberish on word pad 100 times, and tried to make names out of all the jibberish. Out of "ksraiefoa", I picked out some letters, rearranged them, and chose "Sairek". I don't think it's a name similar to anyone else in any culture, so I'm quite please with it.


Thanks for the review, I hope you have fun reading the rest of the chapters. It doesn't take very long for the story to begin picking up!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


This reminded me of Harry Potter while I was reading it due to the spells, magic, etc. lol

It also had the feel of a manga, which I am a HUGE FAN of so that is also a plus

Overall I really liked this story and it was a great way to introduce it...I like how you started it off with him reading, we see that Sairek is a smart kids who enjoys to read and not only that we see some definitions that will probably come in handy throughout the story, such as when you said his staff was made out of Ethereal which you described so we know it is special

I like the use of the different types of magic and elements and given how Sairek said he's not a combat type, it makes me wonder if there are any other types of magicians out there which I'm eager to find out

The format of this story is also different but is also a nice one...I wasn't confused at all with who was talking at what time and what part of the story was the action part of it...I'm not sure if it was intended but between "turned black" & and "the morning sun" there is a huge gap in-between those two paragraphs and it is noticeable, especially since it's not nowhere else like that in your story

Also got to give you credit for the names. They are something different, along with the spells and are interesting. I think Sairek is a great name for a main character

Lastly it made me lol when Sairek just suggested to simply hit his opponent with his staff as opposed to using magic on them lol

Overall like I said before I am really interested in this story, it was a great introductory chapter and I am looking forward to reading some more into it

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


Pretty good chapter. I know I reviewed this chapter one time before, but it's not here anymore, so I'll probably repeat stuff that I had said before. Anyways...

Let me start at the beginning. The textbook passages are interesting. I think it's a unique way to give the reader an idea of what the world is like, since usually this stuff is done either through dialogue or, the more boring way, narration. For the most part, the textbook passages read like they may actually be from a textbook. There may be a few comma errors in the passages, but I won't focus on that, and I did notice some areas where you seem to lose that textbook quality. I won't point out any examples, though, because I was unsure about that.

However, there are two potential problems with the way the textbook part is set up. First, it may be considered an info dump. To me, I think it might be fine this way because it's done rather creatively, so I won't say it needs to be changed, but if other people think it's a problem, then you might want to consider doing so. The second problem I notice is that you begin with these textbook entries. Usually, you want to start off strong so you can pull the reader into the story, and I'm not sure if starting off with textbook passages is the best way to do that. Still, it reflects well with the ending of the chapter (which I'll address soon), so I'm hesitant to recommend that you change it, but if other people say they had trouble getting into the story right at the beginning, then you might want to consider changing it.

Now let me skip to the ending. I like the ending. It reflects well with the beginning of the chapter because the chapter starts and ends with textbook passages. The very last line is good, too, because it provides a hook to get us reading. With that line being placed right there, the reader can get an idea of what the conflict of the novel is going to be, and should be enough to prod him or her into reading more.

Character-wise, I think we get a strong sense of who Sairek is as a character. We get a sense that he's intelligent by the way he talks, and his dialogue also reflects his nobility. (I do wonder, though, if it may be a little too intelligent for an almost-nine-year-old, but I won't say too much about it since I have little experience with kids around that age.)

I won't say too much about the dialogue itself because that's something I struggle with, so my opinion might not matter too much in this area. However, I do think that the dialogue may be a bit long-winded at times, which can make it sound forced. Once again, my opinion might not mean too much here, so you might need someone else to take a look at the dialogue, but I do have at least one excerpt from the chapter that I'll point out this issue in.

As for the narration, I think there might be some problems with it. As you know, I reread chapter 2 before this, and when I compare the two, I want to say that chapter 2 reads a little better than this one. I'll be pointing out some technical stuff right now, though, which may help with this to some extent, but there'll be more changes that you'll have to make later on down the road. Hopefully someone else will be able to help you out some more with that. If not, then I'll return to suggest more changes. But for now, what I have will be enough, because this review is already going to take me a good while to write.

Anyways, here are some technical issues:

because the tree has be known to not consume more then is required to healthily sustain the planet.

Just a typo here. I think you mean "been," not "be."

It is believed that's why deserts and wastelands exists

I think it should be "exist," not "exists." Also, change "that's" to "that is." It sounds more textbook-like.

It has been rumoured that if this balance were too go unstable, such as the tree not being able to withdraw enough Ethereal

"Too" should be "to."

"What am I to do, father?
Soak my foe with a jet of water?
Blow his hair dry with artificial wind?
Throw chunks of dirt at him without using my hands?

You don't need to break up Sairek's dialogue like this. Put all of it in one paragraph. There was more to this dialogue, so you'll have to be sure to add those to the paragraph.

They just want nothing more to see your progress.

I think you forgot a "than" after "more."

"More like they just want something to laugh, if you ask me…"

I think you forgot an "at" after "laugh."

Don’t make yourself feel worse by feeling the effects of drowsiness to be the first thing to welcome you tomorrow."

Remember how I said your dialogue seems long-winded at times? This is an example of what I was talking about. To me, this seems kind of forced because of how long-winded it is; it doesn't seem to flow like natural dialogue. This sentence doesn't seem to make much sense, either. Maybe change "feeling" to "having" and drop the "to" in front of "be"? I don't know if it'll make it sound any less forced, but I think it'll make more sense that way.

Instead, all the flame did was dance around as a weak wind blew that couldn’t even overpower one single flame.

In context, this sentence didn't read too well for me once I got to the clause after "blew." Maybe you could change this sentence a little? Possibly to something like, "However, the weak wind couldn't even overpower the flame." Of course, change some words around to suit your style if you want, and you might need to change the sentence before this one in order for it to work.

It was possible to blow it out had he been holding his staff, the energy was much easier to draw from it ten-fold... but he left that in his bedroom chamber. He hissed the candle out by pinching the flame with his fingers, the library nearly instantly turned black.

I think it would be better if "was possible" was "would have been possible." For "the energy was much easier to draw from it ten-fold," maybe you could surround it with em dashes (this: --)? It would read better that way, and I don't think the way you have it currently would be grammatically correct, anyway. "Hissed" isn't the right verb. Use something else. Or give the flame that verb ("hissed" would make sense that way), if you're willing to do the work of rearranging the sentence. And, to me, "nearly instantly" reads kind of awkwardly. It might sound better if you use "almost" instead of "nearly."

He was standing next to naked, only wearing undergarments as clothing for the moment

You can omit "as clothing." The reader should be able to understand that he's wearing undergarments as clothing. I think you would be fine in deleting "for the moment," too, but it might not be necessary.

stretching down enough to only be inches off of the ground her he been standing upright.

I think you meant another word other than "her." Maybe "had"? Put "only" after "be," and I think you might be able to use a better verb than "stretching."

Sairek soon pulled himself back erect, as his head tilted downwards to stare at the gem, seeing it was placed right. It was after all, his mother’s.

Change "soon pulled himself back erect" to "erected his posture" or "straightened his posture." It won't read so awkwardly that way. Also, while I'm not sure on this, I think "his head tilted" might be incorrect with the POV you're using (because I'm assuming you're using limited, not omniscient). Change it to "he tilted his head" instead. Also, I don't really see how the gem being his mother's has anything to do with it being placed right. I mean, maybe I can, but as the two sentences stand currently, they don't seem to relate well enough.

Sairek soon held out his arms, as now light brown leather gloves slid into his hands.

I think you could use a better verb than "slid," because right now it doesn't seem to make too much sense. I mean, I'm assuming you're wanting to say that Laure is putting the gloves on Sairek, and slid implies something different. I suppose you could switch it around by saying "his hands slid into light brown leather gloves," which makes more sense, but then you would be giving the action to his hands, and I don't think you want that. It would be better if you found a different verb to use.

On the back of each glove, was a silver plate

Omit the comma. Or you could add a "there" after the comma, but omitting the comma would be a better choice.

The world may also suffer extremely dangerous natural disasters, such as twisters, earthquakes, and so on, since the tree would not be in control to keep the planet together.

"And so on" is not textbook-like because of how vague that phrase is. Either change it to "and (insert another natural disaster here)" or shorten that part of the sentence to "such as twisters and earthquakes."

Oh, and you used two action thingies in this chapter: *slam* and -sigh-. They're fine in a comic book, but I doubt they are considered proper in a novel. I'm fairly certain that an editor would make you change that if they saw it. Change *slam* to actual narration, and move -sigh- out of what Sairek is saying and write "he sighed."

That's all. Hope this helps, yo. O:

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago



Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

1054 Views
5 Reviews
Added on June 7, 2011
Last Updated on August 1, 2012
Previous Versions