Chapter 6: Short Lived

Chapter 6: Short Lived

A Chapter by Sairek Ceareste

The world had become nearly alien to him under the cover of night. Faint distant sounds made him flinch in fear. His lifeline: the girl he never met before who was leading him somewhere...





Crickets chirped as Sairek and the girl who had helped him get out of the castle walked through the woods that was near the castle itself. Sairek was glad that he wore so many layers of cloth right now, even though it was more or less stylish clothing and had exhausted him during his escape from it's weight and then its second use was as body armor. The night seemed to be unnaturally cooler than it usually was at this time of year, especially since the afternoon it had been much more humid than it usually was as well. His clothes did well to keep him warm.


“Stop.” The girl suddenly ordered him, as she halted her movement. Sairek slowed down completely. He took the time to take in his surroundings. It seemed to be kind of spooky, but than again, Sairek wasn't very surprised it was. He had never been in the forest at night before after all. He had been in this particular once before, but not this deep. It had also been during the day and it was for training the earth element, which in fact, this particular forest was where he cast his first successful 'Ethirul', and it was one of the only times he was actually allowed outside. He noticed that they were standing in a small clearing, but other than the fact it was dark, they were in a forest, in a clearing and it was dark. There was not much else other than those facts to note out. He looked at the girl for further instructions as she seemed to be looking around.


“I don’t think they will find us here for a while. We've gone quite a few kilometers from the castle. We should be safe to rest here until daybreak.” She soon said, before she began to walk off once again.


"If we are safe here, then where are you going?” Sairek inquired curiously.


“To get wood for the fire." She answered. "Just wait here. I don’t want you getting lost after the stunt we just pulled.”


Sairek only stared at her for a moment, but nonetheless, he complied by slowly sitting down on the cold forest ground with his legs crossed. He had no outdoor experience but he was positive that a fire would attract attention with the smoke and alert their attention. Sairek held his staff to lean on his shoulder as his hands idly held it with both hands. He watched her gather sticks and stones which of course would be used to fuel the live fire and to keep it in one place so it didn't spread and catch live anywhere else. When she had built it, Sairek lowered his staff next to the pile of sticks, and chanted “Balinzer,” softly. His staff acting like an overgrown match as the head of the staff lit up. Sairek slowly lowered his staff to the pile of sticks until one of them ignited, then he pulled the staff back and relinquished the spell from the staff. The fire that he had controlled was his no more and was now just a normal flame.


“Now, since that is done,” Sairek began, welcoming the heat of the flame and the light it provided for it was far more comfortable now. “Just who are you? How did you know so much about me --" he blinked for a moment, before lowering his gaze to meet her eyes directly. "...or rather, attempted to," he added, before continuing on. "...and why were you there at the castle walls? In fact, why did you get me out of there like you did?”


“You were a lot slower than I thought you would be, considering you were supposed to be very smart.” She answered back.


Sairek gave an annoyed twitch with his eyes and soon with realization, his eyes narrowed angrily. “So it was you who sent those letters, accusing me of peeking through someone’s window?!”


“Well, I thought accusing you of something you didn't do would hopefully get you to see the first letter and from there, that would get your attention. The rest of course is as you know.” She answered.


Sairek said to Laure he'd whack who wrote those letters on the head with his staff if he ever found out who written them, but the girl did help him escape. He resigned with a deep sigh and instead asked: “When did you write those letters?”


“Three weeks ago.”


“The castle only received letters a few nights ago as much as I am aware. Some of your letters were missing and I had to figure out the secret message with missing letters. The total process was done all in a span of 8 hours. Along with missing letters, you in fact made a spelling error in the secret message. Yggdrasil only has one ‘S’, not two.”


The girl simply shrugged. “Sorry, I’m not as smart as someone as rich as you are who gets people to teach you. I’m just a girl who's learning how to hunt.”


Sairek grit his teeth a little angrily. "I told you on the beach. I'm not anything special. Just because I own the title 'Prince' doesn't give me unnatural powers or makes me any better!"

"I know, I know. I didn't mean it like that." She said apologetically. "I just mean you have a lot more resources to learn than most people do..."

Sairek sighed. He didn't really agree with it but he did see her point. He did in fact have people tutor and teach him. Most people had to learn by themselves either through trial and error or through researching. And he had far more books to research than even a civilian with moderate wealth would have.“You know, I find this very hard to believe…” Sairek muttered to her.


“But it’s true, Sairek! Something wrong is happening to Yggdrasil! I looked for you and studied you, because I had a feeling that you were very smart for a boy your age and would be inclined to study about Yggdrasil. And it’s true! Yggdrasil has been slowly wilting for at least a month or so now. I’ve been spying on you for the past week since I came here to make sure you are as smart as people say. Surely you could find out what is wrong with the world tree, right?”


Sairek pondered for a moment, closing his emerald eyes as he did so. He stood the staff up from leaning on his shoulder and began spinning it within his hands idly as he did so. It was grinding into the dirt making a small indent into it. "Funny you ask me that. For minutes before I even decided to make my escape, I was looking through a book I had read earlier on what to do if Yggdrasil was wilting. Unfortunately it didn't know the answer to that, only theories on what were to happen if Yggdrasil wilts and the process of effects and events to take place if it were to wilt. To my surprise, the book doesn't hold an answer on 'how to prevent the world from ending'. Naturally so, I don't have the answer either.“ He told her with a tone of finality. He sighed as he stared at the fire before speaking against after a silent moment. "...Why me and not someone else who is more intelligent?" Sairek finally asked, opening moving the pupils in his eyes to look at her cautiously. "Why not an adult of some sort who knows more about these things? I am nothing more then a young student in learning -- a very young one at that. I've only been studying Yggdrasil for a couple of years and heck, I didn't even know words in half the books I did try to read. Just because I’m good for my age according to what all you people say about me, it certainly does not mean I am the best. There are far better than me who surpass me in this sort of subject. I wouldn't be reading these books if so, I'd be writing them instead to pass the knowledge down.”


“What adult would believe me?” She questioned him as her answer. “Besides, I did try that at first. How would a kid like me know in the first place that Yggdrasil was dying?”


“Yeah. Good question. Speaking of which; how does a girl like you know that Yggdrasil is dying in the first place?” Sairek asked, countering with her own response to his own question.


“I just do.” She said firmly


Sairek gave her a look. Obviously showing he wasn't satisfied with the answer she gave him.

"Don't give me that look; I didn't mean it like that." She responded quickly looking into the Princes' eyes. "Look, you know how Yggdrasil is in the center... the core and the heart of the planet, right?"

"Yes, I do. Yggdrasil is what holds all the continental plates together. Sort of like a knitted piece of clothing keeping each thread together with its string. In this case, the strings is the trees' roots." Sairek answered.

"There are a few caves that exist in the world that lead down all the way to Yggdrasil. I happen to live right next to one. From here, as far as I'm concerned, it is the nearest cave. I mean, there may be others but I didn't bother to explore them. I needed to come here as soon as I could to find you."

"I do recall that during journeys to the trees, that my father of this kingdom does have to leave the border, because our kingdom doesn't have such a cave..." Sairek muttered. "Or, if it does, it must be pretty well hidden because nobody has found such a cave yet. We're the only kingdom not to have such a cave.


“Also, there is a small bit more evidence…” The girl began.


“And what is it?” Sairek asked.


“Haven’t you noticed the amount of Ethereal in the air decreasing in some areas? I know you are still an apprentice but unless you began a couple of weeks ago, you should notice that it's a bit... less, than the last couple of months at times?”

"Well... I kind of had bad luck with that yesterday..." Sairek muttered as
he thought back to the fight with Foer. Thinking back to some moments in the fight, specifically at the end before Foer landed on him, he only cast one spell in that area of the water element and it had been exhausted enough to use up enough water element in the surrounding area. Waert was not a major water element spell. It was a pathetically weak one; it was technically if anything, just massing vapor together at a extremely fast rate and then just projecting it as a blast of water that looked like it appeared out of nowhere. Sairek didn't even use it at full power; he sprinkled the energy around to simulate a light rain, which should have taken less ethereal than to project it into a complete blast like he had done to launch himself away from his father. 


Sairek looked at her again as he finished thinking about what happened. “If Ethereal is disappearing that quickly, why hasn't nobody seem to have taken any notice yet?” Sairek asked.


“It’s not that simple, yet at the same time it isn't that odd. While the Ethereal levels are low, it actually isn’t too uncommon for them to get this low... and maybe even lower ! While the tree is active and healthy, the Ethereal levels do rise eventually because the tree tries to keep the balance if the scales begin to tip on one side. Not everything dies at a set time after all, but the tree isn't going to recover this time. Something is causing it to wilt. It’s trying to consume more and more Ethereal to recover, but it’s not curing itself at all. The Ethereal levels will gradually drop until there is no more Ethereal level left. And by that time, the world will begin to turn into a wasteland. And even so, the changes are so gradually slow that some people kind of get used to it as it goes on. Like the heat of water, it could begin cold but after a while it doesn't feel so bad because you adapt to it.”


She let out a sigh. “It’s a weakness of the tree; nobody will notice it’s in need of help until it may perhaps be too late for it. I have no idea how long the tree has. It could be mere weeks, it could be well over a year. All I know is that something about the tree is off because it is most certainly wilting. I can kind of examine the tree near where we live since one of the roots sticks out from the ground. Since it's close to the base of the tree, the symptoms show easier than if it was a tip of the same root.”


“Even so, what do you expect me to do?” Sairek questioned, trying to hold back any irritation in his voice. He failed to see how he could possibly help. He was sick of people expecting everything from him. He was only but a child; couldn't anyone realize that? How could a simple, mere title change peoples' perception so much?


“I don’t know. I was hoping you might be able to find out what is going wrong somehow. Perhaps someone is corrupting the tree. Or, it could be something else… I don’t honestly know which one of those it could be, but it could very well be any of those. They are valid possibilities. Nobody ever visits Yggdrasil to check on it. It’s really hard to get into the center of the planet, you know, but it isn't necessarily impossible either. There are a few caves that do lead straight down to the center of the earth, but they could take weeks just to travel down to. I heard you like studying the world a lot, specifically the tree. You were the closest nearby that I knew of, where I wouldn't have to sail across anywhere either. You were the easiest to make it to and time is of the essence here. I didn't have very many options, you know.


“I still find it hard to believe if it’s such a far way, you came on your own.” Sairek responded.


The girl smirked. “Why not? It wasn't much different than what I just helped you pull, you know. I suppose the only difference is that I'm not going to have a whole castle after me. The only ones who would possibly have been after me would be just my parents. Heck, I had sent those letters before I left, and I still arrived here quicker than they did. The castle is going to be searching as a group, we are going as a pair. We can easily move quicker than they can. Besides, it's easier to run than to track. After we cross the border, there is nothing your father could do."


Sairek took a few more moments to ponder all of this. He still wasn't fully convinced but he wasn't too willing to return to the castle after what he just pulled either, of course. He was trying to size up his options but his fatigue was effecting his thought processing. In reality, he just wanted a little bit of shut eye.


As if it was obvious he was tired, or if she had somehow read his mind, the girl soon said: “You should get to sleep. If you have been up all night like you said, you’re going to need the nap. Especially from getting beaten in that little battle with that big dude yesterday. The sun may rise within an hour or two.” The girl told him.


“Just one more thing,” Sairek let out quietly. “Your name... um... what is it?”


She smiled, almost as if she was flattered. “It’s Nayleen.” She simply answered, as she placed her left hand against her collar. "My father is a hunter and a trapper and I'm taking up after him. I used those skills to get here to you."


Sairek nodded, understanding her before closing his eyes. Within seconds of doing so, he only realized how exhausted he really felt. It didn't take more than 15 seconds before he slipped out of the senses of reality.




* * * * * * * *




Sairek was awoken by being shaken by somebody. He was incredibly groggy and despite his consciousness coming back, it took him about 8 seconds to finally open his eyes just to take a peek after the violent shaking was becoming rather unbearable and was giving him a headache. Her glanced around to see it was Nayleen that was shaking him. Sairek blinked with only half opened eyes. He felt his back was up against a tree. Trying to combat the drowsiness, he shook his head rapidly.


“You’re a heavy sleeper…” Nayleen observed. And Sairek only let out a small grunt initially in response, trying to clear his clouded mind enough to think up a response. “It’s not easy when I've been staying up several nights in a row this week…” He croaked out.


“Who’s fault was that?” Nayleen asked.


“Mine." Sairek admitted. "However, whether it was my fault or not, doesn't make the task any easier..." He grumbled. "...especially sleeping outside... I feel sore all over... It's not nearly as comfortable as that as my bed... I didn't expect it to be easy, but it's still going to take a while for me to get used to...” he added as a final note.


“It’s mid morning now. We need to go, or else we’re going to be caught sooner or later. And probably sooner.” Nayleen said to him in warning.


“How long was I sleeping for?” Sairek asked, as he grabbed his staff which was laying on the ground at his side. He grabbed it with one hand and used it to push himself up onto his two feet. As he stood, he then used it to support himself. His entire body felt like falling over. Any sense of balance he'd normally had was gone from his drowsiness.


“Maybe only 3 hours, I think. I’ve already covered any signs that we were here the best I can. Now can we get going?” She urged.


“Alright, alright. Fine let’s go.” Sairek muttered. And then a question popped in his head. “…Where are we going, actually?”


“For now; we're just going to get away so we don't get caught. Where we go isn't really a concern right now as long as we get some distance from your castle. We need to go deep into the forest for cover, spread them thin some in searching and then slip out.”


“I never really brought any money with me.” Sairek announced to her. “I never really had a chance to grab any... not that I have any because I can't go out..." he mumbled.


“That’s okay. I can get food my own way.” She replied with a sly grin.


Sairek blinked.“Surely you aren't planning to steal from the country I'm fated to rule later?” He muttered in a dry tone.


Nayleen brushed a strand of hair in front of her face away. “Well, that, or you could go hungry. Sure, I know how to hunt for food by myself; that's how I am still standing here. But I'm only good enough to hunt for myself; not another person. You're going to have to figure out your own way otherwise. Besides, as much as I am a hunter, I really don't like harming animals. I only do what I need to do to survive."


“…Ehh… Oh, fine.” Sairek finally let out with a sigh. “It’s just people will complain to the castle about it. It will surely leave a trail for them to follow..."


“With how slow those letters get to the castle?" She laughed out. "If that's the case, all the more reason to steal!  Those letters get to the castle so slowly, they'd probably go to the places we had already left weeks ago!"


Before Sairek could even comment on anything, the girl reached out and grabbed his gloved hand and pulled him forwards and began to walk. Sairek nearly fell over due to his drowsiness, but he made no complaints. He didn't want to be lectured by her to get moving. He did however pull his hand away and began to walk on his own. The staff helped him keep up with Nayleen’s rather hasty pace by keeping him balanced instead of stumbling everywhere.


“So, I will ask again, where are we going?” Sairek questioned


“Didn’t I tell you? We’re going to--“


"I mean after we get out of here.” Sairek responded.


“Oh.” She let out, getting what he was asking specifically. “We’re going to the Thaoel Forest. Nobody will keep track of us easily in there. After that we'll head straight back towards my place. I mean, there might be a closer cave to Yggdrasil but I really don't know any other than that one. Besides all that, I'm familiar with that cave... kind of.”


“Thaoel Forest... Isn't that near Lamen?” Sairek asked. Lamen was sort of like a city, except it was quite small despite its rather... 'industrial' look. It was next against the ocean. Traveling there almost was a straight line. This particular forest could exit towards the direction of Lamen. Traveling on the paths towards Lamen would eventually lead to the forest if one passed the town gates. Past the forest was a town called Dandoran, it was deep in the mountains. It was where most of the iron of the country came from. The closest mining operation to the castle. It was also a poor town at that despite that.


“Yes, it is. Nobody really goes into the forest anymore though. Apparently trouble started there.” Nayleen answered in reply to his question.


“Shouldn’t that mean we should stay away from it?” Sairek questioned.


“It’s not the quickest way but unless you plan on starving we are going to need to get to a town of some sort and get some sort of supplies to keep us going. Besides, it's not a bad way to go. But remember, the longer we take to get to the tree, the less time we have to find out what’s wrong with it.” Nayleen explained to him. "As well, if nobody likes to go in there anymore, it means easier reign for us to run about in it. Makes us harder to track too."


“I see. What kind of trouble is it then?” Sairek inquired.


“Bandit trouble, mostly. You know, travel on the road and suddenly you are being mugged. Travel in the woods too now and you get ambushed. We’re going to be staying off the roads anyways, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem… I think. I have heard some other trouble has started there; not only trouble for travelers, but even the bandits too. I think the monsters may be at it again.”


Sairek couldn't help but sigh. This girl was deciding on absolutely nothing but rumors, assumptions and her own opinion. Sairek had learned quite differently and always tried to make choices based off of facts if possible. He couldn't criticize her too much though. There was not much information to make these decisions on, except that, assuming this entire situation was true, it was best to take the shortest possible routes, even if they were the most dangerous.


Then, something surprised Sairek, and due to his drowsiness, he was quite slow to react, when something leaped out of a bush and tackled Nayleen to the ground. Sairek looked and was horrified to see it was a soldier. Quite clearly from the castle.

Nayleen and the soldier fumbled a bit, although Nayleen easily lost and was soon held by the soldier, restrained.


“Sairek, you are to come back to the castle immediately.” The guard said to him in his own tone of authority. Sairek was at least glad the one who found them was not an elite guard like who had bound him before. It would have been game-over for certain then. Sairek's muscles tensed up and any drowsiness he had before was practically wiped away from the adrenaline that was beginning to pump through his body.


“I have no intentions in returning to the castle...” Sairek muttered under his breath. "I don't care what father says this time. I'm not going back..."


“Your thoughts don't matter boy. You will come with me to the castle, even if I have to drag you by your cape as you kick and flail.”


Sairek raised an eyebrow at the rather aggressiveness in the soldiers words. “Neither of us will be seeing that today, I'm afraid." The Prince countered. "Even if you do catch me, I will not flail at your mercy and give you the false satisfaction. You'd do well to attempt no more further threats against me, soldier." He growled.


“Threatening you? I am just giving you a sense of reality since you feel like you can whatever you want.” The soldier said. Nayleen continued to try and get out of the soldiers hold, obviously to no avail. Sairek was just happy he hadn't harmed her in any real way except perhaps her attitude as she was screaming and yelling to be set free.


“This isn't something I want to do.” Sairek said firmly. “This is something I need to do. I may be spoiled in some ways, I admit to that... but I would never leave the castle like this unless it was for a very good reason and there is. I am not doing this out of me acting like a brat. I am not deluding myself into making the decision either just because I want to leave that horrible prison of a home."


“Just be quiet. My orders are absolute. You and this brat will return to the castle with me. Or I will do anything to bring you back to the castle, even if it means using force. I don’t want to do that to a child, but your father’s orders are above all else. And this brat here will be executed for treason.”


WHAT?!” Nayleen shrieked out, her struggling becoming frantic flailing.


“Are you insane?!” Sairek questioned in disbelief. “How can such trivial thoughts consume you so?! She didn’t even commit an act of treason! If anything, she helped prevent me from injuring myself by catching me when I dived off the cliff to escape the castle!”


“Aiding your escape is an act of treason. It is as simple as that.” The soldier stated, speaking over Nayleen’s yelling.


"You will stop and desist this nonsense now!” Sairek ordered in a raised voice of authority as he took a step forwards. "Even if she had committed an act of treason, you can't execute a child! That's against our kingdoms' law, MY kingdoms' law!" Sairek hissed angrily, stepping forward yet again another step and stamping his staff against the ground. "If anything, you are the one committed the crime here, not her!"


“You can’t order me!” The soldier declared. “Know your place boy!”


“I do know my place!” Sairek declared through clenched teeth. “The King is my father, the one half of who that created me.” Soldier lifted his staff, pointing it at the soldier. "You are the one who will learn to be at their place."


“…You can't even battle a disarmed blacksmith. How do you plan to prove your worth?" The soldier taunted. Sairek hesitated a moment. Clenching his teeth. Unfortunately, the soldier was right about that... how could he prove his worth if he couldn't win against an unarmed blacksmith...?

"See, if you actually listened to your father, you may be able to actually know how to do something. But because of you ridiculous rebellious behavior, you can't do anything, now can you?" The soldier continued.

Sairek felt himself back down a little as he quickly tried to come up with a response. He then realized he was trying to win an argument that couldn't be won with words. Sairek stepped up again, gripping his staff in his one hand tightly. "I guess I have no choice but to try again with what I do know, then." The Prince spoke in as much as a dangerous tone as he could.


“BEHIND YOU, SAIREK!” Nayleen soon shouted out of nowhere. Sairek spinning around, only caught a glimpse of someone behind him before…




Sairek let out a loud grunt of pain as the force of the hit had been so powerful he was easily sent off of his feet and rolling into the ground. He would have been hit squarely in the back, which would have perhaps temporarily paralyzed him from the blow, but because he spun around it had been a powerful hit square to the stomach. Needless to say, he struggled to keep a hold on his staff, especially when he hit the ground hard and rolled several feet away, stopping face down. He gasped for air, hunched on the ground as his right hand clenched the staff tightly and his left hand held his aching stomach. His eyes were clenched shut as he felt saliva drip out of his mouth that was gaped open from the attempt at drawing in air, but temporarily lacked the ability to suck it into his lungs. He soon panted when he found the ability to breathe again. Slowly trying to push himself up. But another weak yet involuntary grunt released from him once more as he was forced back into the forest floor. Someone’s foot had slammed on his upper back and pinned him there.


“Talented, but still a fool when it comes to combat I see…” He heard a male voice say above him, obviously the one pinning him onto the floor. It must have been the one who had kicked him; it didn't sound like the guard.


Sairek felt the foot lift off of his back and shift underneath his stomach. Almost like a pancake, the foot lifted him up and flipped him up high into the air, Sairek only peered his eyes open for a second before they slammed shut in pain once again. A strong kick being sent to his stomach one more time as he was in space sent flying until his back smashed into a large tree. Unable to catch himself on his feet, he croaked out another groan before collapsing down on the ground. Once again, he faced the problem of suffocating from lack of air from being winded, but he didn't even have the energy to clutch his stomach. He concentrated everything he could to cling desperately for consciousness. He slowly lifted his head up, even though it felt like it weighed tons and slowly opened his eyes, only to see the bottom of the robes that was dressed onto figure that had just brutally kicked him.


“STOP IT!!” He heard Nayleen yelled out. “He’s already down! Why are you hurting him more?!”


“Why?” He heard the unknown voice ask, before he felt the back of his hood being lifted up and he dangled helplessly.


Hold on… to the staff… hold on… to the staff…!” Sairek repeated in his mind. He was holding onto the wooden weapon as tight as he could; but even still it felt loose in his hand.


“Because,” The voice continued “This spoiled brat needs to be taught real punishment!”


Sairek soon felt himself being released, though not even a second later, he felt himself being kicked one more time in the side, sent flying once again until he smashed into the ground on his side and was sent sprawling on the ground face down once again. With every ounce of remaining strength, he kept the grip on his staff. And he continued to grip it as he fought for consciousness. Despite what the instincts of his body said, telling him to just stay down, his arms slowly slid along the ground, and pushed against it. Shaking and wobbling terribly, he begin to lift his body up when he barked out in pain, being slammed back down into the forest dirt. Sairek struggled to fight a cough of pain that soon came out and made his sides ache. There was a light shove, and he was rolled over onto his back; not even able to stop his foe from even doing that. In moments, he felt himself being slowly dragged backwards by the end of his cape along the ground. The only thing he did with his body was making sure his right hand still gripped his staff.

© 2013 Sairek Ceareste

Author's Note

Sairek Ceareste
Last edited on: December 21st, 2012 [End of the world guys!]


- Simple minor text and dialogue adjustments, as well as typo fixes

Changelog: [January 8th, 2012]

- Fixed the text up a bit. Changed some paragraphs and other small things in the dialogue

- Changed the town name, since I changed it in later chapters anyways.

- Made the 'goal' a little bit clearer to the present chapters.

- Made Nayleen's back story a little bit more clearer.

- I made this chapter less "shocker" since the whole "You're dethroned" thing was kind of unfitting. It was also not very original, so I just omitted it entirely. This means the next chapter will be severely changed completely, but it will be smoother and less random in place so it will be better.

My Review

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I kept making the "Foer" mistake many times. I should have just changed the name to be honest since I keep making that mistake; I don't know why. D:

Second could shouldn't be there; might have accidentally missed it when I edited the sentence; but looking at how the sentence sounds, I think I must have been drinking some gasoline or something strange; I don't like how the entire sentence looks as a whole.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago

Once again, no complaints about this chapter. Just a couple of quick things. First, you changed the spelling of Foar/Foer's name in this chapter.

Sairek hesitated for a moment. What? That was impossible… How could such a thing could even happen?

Maybe you could turn this into something Sairek thinks? It would make it more personal for him, and we'll be able to get a better sense of his confusion that way. Also, if you do keep this the same, omit the second "could."

And I know I commended the use of *Thwack*, but now I'm taking it back. Instead of repeating myself I'll refer to what I said in my review for chapter 1.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago

Good chapter. I thought the part around where you had the sound effect was done pretty well. I got a sense of suspense from it when Sairek was hit because I wanted to know who do it. The twist was a great idea, and I can't wait to see where you take that, especially with his whole mystery guy who attacked Sairek and everything. Everything else I mentioned in previous chapters still hold true with this one.

Now some technical stuff:

...but other then the fact it was dark, they were in a forest, and in a clearing, there was not much else to note out.
"Then" should be "than." Also, omit "out." The sentence will sound a lot better without that preposition.

His staff acting like an overgrown match as the head of the staff lit up.
"Acting" should be "acted" to make this a sentence, because right now it's a fragment. Also, I don't like the repetition of the word "staff" here. It sticks out too much, and I think the sentence would sound better without it. The simplest way to fix it would be to change "the staff" to "it," but you could probably rewrite the sentence differently if you didn't want to use the word "it."

It too was next against the ocean.
"Next against" sounds awkward. Either say "next to" or omit "next." Personally, I think the latter would be better because "against" sounds stronger, but I guess it depends on how you want the sentence to sound.

Just giving you a sense of reality since you feel like you can whatever the hell you want."
I think you forgot "do" after "can," or some kind of word, anyway.

Sairek hesitated for a moment. What? That was impossible… How could such a thing could even happen?
I think questions like this in narration look kind of lame. I mean, I kind of like this because it milks a little more suspense for the twist, but at the same time, the questions being a part of the narration kind of kills that for me. It might look better if the questions were actual thoughts. It might help make it a little more personal for Sairek if you do it that way, too, and maybe give us a better sense of what he's feeling.

“STOP IT!!” He heard Nayleen yelled out, almost sobbing.
Just one explanation point will suffice here. I know you're trying to use a second one as an attempt to put more emotion into it, but more than one explanation point looks cruddy, and it's considered amateurish to do so.

...Sairek only peered his eyes open for a second before they slammed shut in pain once again.
Did you forget to put "with" after "peered"? Because otherwise this sentence reads really weird.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Added on June 13, 2011
Last Updated on March 6, 2013
Tags: The Ethereal Elixer Fantasy Adve
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