My Goodbye

My Goodbye

A Poem by Ella

My Goodbye

Tell my sister I'm sorry
For I will never awaken from this slumber
This permanent dream
Some type of wonder

I know she looked up to me
maybe a little to high
for I was never that free 
never truly alive
Walking around like some type of zombie
All broken and bloody

But now its time for me to leave
To completely surrender
So I won't have to be another pretender

These are my last words before my goodbye
All I can say is 
I can finally see the sky.

© 2015 Ella


Author's Note

Ella
No, this is not goodbye. I'm not completely satisfied with this poem. I feel like some thing needs to change from "All broken and bloody" to "have to be another pretender. Any ideas?

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Featured Review

"For I will never awaken from this slumber
This permanent dream"

and

"These are my last words before my goodbye
All I can say is
I can finally see the sky."

Were freakin' beautiful.... as for your suggestions for changes, I'd say maybe change "All broken and bloody to, "All broken and restless" and "have to be another pretender" is perfectly alright within the context, rhythm, and rhyme. Nice poem!


Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ella

4 Years Ago

Thank you very much. Super great review! I'm happy that you found it to be freakin' beautiful. I was.. read more
Ella

4 Years Ago

Feel free to send me some of your writing i would be more than happy to read and review them!



Reviews

You have power, intensity, profundity, and utter brilliance right up until the last two stanzas where you go slack and simply say a couple of things as they are, rather than what you feel. Consider fiddling around with these suggestions:

"But now it's time [and here say something that symbolizes relinquishing your will and life]
To completely surrender
And not live as simply another pretender

Here lies my testament; my last goodbye...."

Everything else is brilliant as is! Stanza 2 is simply divine! Well done!

Posted 10 Months Ago


Very nice job, now i feel like a child for almost crying. Very nicely written, you have a good taste for rhyme.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This one is great. No, I wouldn't change a thing. It reads like song lyrics.

Posted 3 Years Ago


Not usually one for poems, but this is fantastic! I would only change "All broken and bloody" Maybe you could change it to:
-Uncertain and wavering
-All cold and helpless

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

a profound and poignant write! well done!!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ella

3 Years Ago

Thank you!
Indra Neil

3 Years Ago

u r welcome!
Oh my god, reading this was just wow, I loved it. I loved the line, "she looked up at me maybe a little too high" i really understood what you were going for as the author. And the end was just fantastic as well. Great great poem!

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ella

4 Years Ago

Thank you im glad you can understand what i was trying to get at. Thank you for the amazing review! .. read more
Sometimes to move on to become happy, it needs to be done. What is life about, to be happy. No matter what you do, or who you are, or how you are with, or who you love, its all about being happy and as long as your not hurting someone or something in the process of being happy, then you have peace of mind. If you have peace of mind what else could you ask for or should you ask for? Sisters and brothers always look up to the older siblings she will always look up to you. Let her know you will always be there for her.

A heart telling poem, it appears this is your forte.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Ella

4 Years Ago

Thank you ill keep searching for it and thanks for helping me realize that.
Robert

4 Years Ago

You are welcome Ella. You will find it when you least expect it.
Ella

4 Years Ago

Let's hope that's soon.
But now its time for me to leave
As I completely surrender
Oh please do not grieve
I just don't want to be another pretender

This is the revision i plan on making. Thanks to the people that helped! What are your thoughts should i change it? (This is the third section. I only plan on changing this, for now)

Posted 4 Years Ago


Joey K

3 Years Ago

I actually like that part the way it is, but if you want to change it. That's up to you.
This is beautiful......though obviously sad........
imagining our death and penning the virtual last words.........really flesh out the writer and reminds of things important and dear......
years of living could never be completely put in few words........the dissatisfaction signifies, in my opinion, that the speaker is not yet ready.......she is still hopeful (and capable) for the things to change.....

awesome write....
i loved it!!!
:)

Posted 4 Years Ago


Ella

4 Years Ago

Thank you! Happy to hear you liked it. I always enjoy hearing the readers interpretations and yours .. read more
Pushkar Prabhat

4 Years Ago

well that is what poetry is all about......reading oneself in others words.......
you are ver.. read more
ah, the suicide note, to be left as a life slips away...a final goodbye to the one who held the speaker on a pedestal because children don't often see pain the way an older sibling does... this is another stark write about the darkness that many of us live with at points in our lives...my cousin took his life at age thirty because he felt like this and it was sad because he didn't know that there were those of us who would have been there for him, would have quit our jobs and gone to look after him, just so that he could ahve lived...

By writing these things you continue to bring awareness to them... this is good work, Ella!

Posted 4 Years Ago


Ella

4 Years Ago

Thank you I've been working on this for about three days now and it still needs some improvement. I'.. read more

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Added on July 16, 2015
Last Updated on July 16, 2015
Tags: goodbye, poem, sister, dream, dark

Author

Ella
Ella

KY



About
Hello everyone. If you haven't figured it out yet, my name is Ella. I'm just a girl who enjoys writing and reading every once and a while. Like everyone, what you see on the surface doesn't alwa.. more..

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