Death Wish

    Every now and then, I will hear a someone who dies suddenly from a heart attack or similar cause.  Many times it is someone who is in their forties which is the age range I currently am in. The thought of having a normal day and having something like a heart attack kill me frightens me.  It's that sudden, unexpected death that brings a great fear within. I wouldn't have a chance to straighten any loose ends, nor to tell my loved ones how much I love them and how grateful I am to have had them in my life. I would wake up expecting a normal day and would not see another day.  

    Part of me wishes to go to a doctor and be told I have a fatal disease or condition.  That I have six months to live. Those would be six months to plan for my death and to share my inner most feelings with my loved ones.  It would take away the fear I have of dying suddenly and would give me the chance to do and say things that I wouldn't do otherwise. 

    I understand if I were to know that I would be dying in six months, my fear of suddenly dying  would be replaced with a more disturbing fear. The fear that I would be dying in six months. But yet I can't help but think, that those that have died knowing were given a gift.

    My father died of cancer at a hospice. He knew he was dying.  Although, his time at the hospice was a very sad time, I'm glad I was able to spend time with him and for us to say our good-byes. Something that when it is my turn to die, I hope I have a chance to do with those closest to me.