Struck

Struck

A Poem by Herzeleid
"

I have been struck

"

 

Phase 1

Struck,

like the fawn...

collapsed in the darkness.

Battered, broken

crumpled, beaten.

Between the bright beams of light

reflected

coldly on the road.

 

Phase 2

Just like the fawn

my eyes...

glaze over.

My lungs...

void.

Blind to the night.

Immune

to feeling.

 

Phase 3

I can feel

callous eyes

watching.

Through the frosted glass

it seems unreal.

The fawn's plight

just...

nothing.

Phase 4

I can...

pick myself

back up.

Battered,

broken,

but not beaten.

Dazzled,

blinded,

confused

between the bright beams of light

dashing back and forth

through the cold twilight.

 

Phase 5

I am stunned.

Amazed.

Dumbfounded.

I limp.

I stumble.

I crawl along the road.

The cold pavement

beneath my fingertips

mirroring your feelings.

You cast

a stare so deadly

it strikes me through

the heart

as if hate were

tangible.

 

© 2009 Herzeleid


Author's Note

Herzeleid
This poem is VERY recent. How do you feel about the ellipses? Too many?
Also, how do you feel about the phases?

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Reviews

Interesting format. I think it comes across strong and desperate and pained. The imagery is stark. The terse line structure, and abrupt ends give a sort of breathlessness or 'limp' to this piece, helps to draw out the feel of being struck and stranded, physically or emotionally..

Posted 10 Years Ago


I like the phases and the ellipses. :)
I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but the way you wrote the sentences kind of helps me hear the speaker, almost like they're out of breath.
I like it. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago



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198 Views
2 Reviews
Added on February 19, 2009
Last Updated on February 19, 2009

Author

Herzeleid
Herzeleid

OH



About
Hi. I'm Heather. I am ninteen years old, and I live in Ohio. I am currently a student at Columbus State Community College, but as soon as I get my Associate of Arts, I am transferring to Ohio State Un.. more..

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