Untamed at Birth.

Rhyme and Meter

Laura girl, baby-girl, you're only two months old.

This crib you're in won't last too long;

You're acting too darn bold!

Laura girl, child-girl, what are you up to now?

Your tempestuous mood is wild enough

To hurt you soon somehow.

Laura girl, teenage-girl, tell me where you've been? 

Flaunting your chest to older boys 

Will lead to a life of sin. 

Laura girl, troubled-girl, no wonder you're in jail,

That deadly dance with illegal drugs 

Left you ruined and frail.

Laura girl, tragic-girl, the cops were at our door.

That car crash robbed your precious life

A beer was on the floor.

Laura girl, silent-girl, you look like you're asleep. 

Your maple casket shines so nice;

Your white dress looks so sweet.

Laura girl, angel girl, we're sending you our love.

Our broken hearts can only pray

You're somewhere up above.

Reviews

[Norman 223]

A powerful ,yet compassionate poem that echoes our feelings of anger about the foolishness of drug taking , but at the same time reminds us that one foolish episode of bravado,or experimentation can lead to fatal addiction..
I loved your clever opening variants of each stanza which painted this progression perfectly.

N.

[Relic]

Thanks very much, Normon.

[barleygirl]

What stands out for me is how the attitude of the narrator feels so cold & detached. It's as if the narrator is blaming the victim for the way her life went, seemingly standing above this, pronouncing what a flop this little life turned out to be. This is a freaky & wicked way to frame such a message & I love it just becuz people ARE weirder than you would expect. I was picturing this narrator as a wild child & in denial that something from him/her set the example for this latest wild child. This is highly complex stuff that provokes a ton of thought & feeling (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Relic]

The first two lines of the review couldn't be more right. This came from a funeral I attended. The mother seemed detached to me.

One of the side-affects of grief is anger. Perhaps that had something to do with it, but there was something else. I knew the mother had been into drugs and alcohol and as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I also wrote a story along the same lines.

Thanks so much for taking the time for your reviews. :)

[Chris Shaw]

A poem in a diary format of a life cut short. Tragic but inot uncommon. Sadly you hear of this all too frequently. Young people who have literally a car crash of a life. Making the wrong choices, every parent's nightmare. Well related, flows and rhymes well. Great poetry Tim, you know what you are doing.

Chris

[Relic]

You're very kind, thank you.

[marilyn 1225]

this is also very very sad yet love how u wrote it her stages of life till her death
whew u are so talented

[Relic]

ha sometimes I wonder. lol Thank you marilyn for being so kind. :)

[George Coombs]

A poingnant and eloquent poem, skillfully crafted and,I felt, particularly thought provoking, great work

[Relic]

Thanks very much George.

[George Coombs]

Your welcome

[emipoemi]

I have no words....my voice is in my awe!! Well freaking done!!

(you forgot to insert "like" in "you look [] you're asleep")

[Relic]

AHHHH!! I knew I forgot something. lol Thanks so much for your observations. Not a lot of people here want to point things out. :)

[emipoemi]

a lot of people here are too shy to be bold.

[Smoking Man]

Tragically sad 😢 piece of writing which for me reflects how in life ones guardians cannot shelter our live ones from the dangers society presents.
Deeply emotional but poignant and eloquent poem.

[Relic]

Thank you Mairie

[Smoking Man]

You're welcome 😊,my pleasure.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

First, I love the picture that you chose to go with the poem. It's midway between the innocence of the beginning of the poem and the tragedy at the end.

The poem itself innocently takes the reader by the hand and unexpectedly leads them on a journey most unimagined. The love for Laura is portrayed throughout, and all one can feel for the writer is heartache.

There is such beauty in pain, but the thorns are really sharp.

Nicely penned.

[Relic]

I appreciate your thoughts Linda, thank you.

[S.Jane]

Wow...this sounds all too familiar..I am saddened by ur loss..I too was held in bondage by chemical obsession..I am very grateful to be here..I shouldn't be but God had other plans for me..

[Relic]

Thanks so much for reading S. The poem is all from imagination. :)

[S.Jane]

Really?? So Laura was a fictional character that u created? N may i ask what made u want to write about this topic?

[Relic]

Hmm? I don't really remember. Most of what I've written came from whatever Idea I latched onto at the time.

[S.Jane]

Well for this to just simply have rolled off the top of ur imagination, u captured the real feel of what that experience woulda been like...u told the story as if all that actually occurred.

[S.Jane]

To be honest this actually IS the story of how one of my girlfriends lives came to an end..I think that's why i had the reaction i had..

[Relic]

Thanks S. It takes me awhile and lots of times I fail. I keep trying though. ha I'm a hit and miss writer with more misses than hits. :)

[Relic]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. I know alcohol plays a part in a lot of fatalities on the road. I knew someone who died many years ago in a similar situation. It hits you hard.

[S.Jane]

Ha..idk if i believe that hun..its not how much u write its what ur writing about..its about the quality n depth of ur words..thats all

[S.Jane]

I come from a long line of alcoholics and I'm the only jackass that got addicted to drugs..go figure

[Relic]

I agree. Yet, I wrote a humorous one about losing weight and there wasn't much depth to it. haha :D

[S.Jane]

U should have more confidence in urself love..u r talented..n if u didn't think u were, u definitely wouldn't be posting ur stuff on a poetry website..

[Relic]

Yeah, very true. Funny how things happen isn't it? Thanks for saying that S.

[S.Jane]

Yes..ppl end up in our lives for a reason..theres no such thing as a coincidence..

[Relic]

I've heard many people say that and I would like to believe that's so.

[S.Jane]

Well guess what Mr.Rel..i have a wildly infused testimony n if u do wish to believe n ur willing to let someone help u with that, I'm in..

[Relic]

What kind of testimony?

[S.Jane]

N im not religious, i am spiritual..born again Christians r very liberal..they say religion is for ppl who r afraid of hell, spiritually is for ppl who have already been there..true story

[Relic]

I see what you're saying. I consider myself to be a spiritual person myself. I've been through a lot although I wouldn't say I can top you. :) I just believe.

[S.Jane]

My testimony, my story..my experience, strength, n hope..i am living proof that God n His son r real, I am a miracle in the flesh, nonetheless..I will help others who are battling the same demons as I once did..they will see there is light after the darkness n it is possible to bring back a spiritually dead person..I could keep going 😉

[Relic]

Good for you. I'm glad to see you rose from the darkness and became a better person.

[S.Jane]

If God removed all my pain n healed my heart, its possible to feel freedom when u think its not even possible

[Relic]

I believe that. I'm sure there are many others who would say the same and know it's 100% true.

[S.Jane]

Oh I was raised to be a good person, a good woman...n shes always been in there but addiction turns u into ur worst nightmare..my actions while in active addiction do not validate me as a person or a woman..fortunately, I established a character n my own persona prior to using substances so I already know who.I am..n that's a blessing in itself

[Relic]

I have friends that have been addicted for decades. I don't know how they function but they do. It may take a good crash to wake them up. They're extremely stubborn with big egos to boot.

[S.Jane]

Sounds about right

[Poetic License]

This tore my mother's heart to pieces. What I enjoyed as the sing song quality of a silly lullaby turned so quickly tragic that it left my heart spinning. From promise to torture, that inevitable tire screaming, can't stop in time and not a damn thing you can do about it helplessness that accompanies parenthood. That is potent writing.

[Relic]

I'm glad you liked PL, thanks.