Slowly,
life seemed to flow into me as I greedily gulped down air. I let it fill my
body as if it were my soul itself. Once my eyes refocused on what was in front
of me I realized that there I was looking at ceiling tiles. Their gridded
pattern gave me a rush of relief, the holes and grainy texture reminded me of the
Sahara Desert that mum and I visited last year. The trip was lovely but I ended
up breaking my leg while I was there. My body, still numb from the
anesthetic’s, wouldn’t respond to the commands that I was consciously sending
out to it. I commanded my fingers to curl into a fist, my toes to pucker, and
my knees to bend yet not one part responded. That is, until my neck turned to
the side. There I saw an angel, not really an angel sent from god but I saw a
woman sitting on a chair tinkering with some sort of hospital device that was
making an obnoxious noise. Finally it clicked for me; I was at a hospital, now
just to remember why I was here. The noise sounded kind of like a mix between a
bee and a never-ending dial tone, and it just so happened to be right next to
my ear. Back to the angel, she looked to be no older than 25 yet you could tell
that she was mature. She seemed very bothered with the machine yet I found it
rather funny. In my head I was laughing but my detestable laughter would not
come out, upon realizing that a fear crept up my insides. It built up inside me
until I felt as if it would ravage me from the inside out. My mouth seemed to be sown shut, my throat
felt dry to the point where it felt like the lining was cracked and bleeding,
and the entirety of my body seemed to be encased in a large sheet of metal. I
started to fear what I would realize next, my every thought was focused on
denying the truth from no one other than myself. That was when my eyes allowed
that which I thought had been impossible for me, they showed an expression. Not
just any expression, they revealed the sadness I felt as well as the unbearable
thoughts of loneliness. There were tears, they rolled down and hit the pillow
that I rested on. The angel beside me suddenly stood up, metal chair clattering
behind her; the look of surprise mixed with horror was plain to see. She turned
in a quick 180 and ran off yelling that something was wrong, or something along
the lines, leaving me alone with my realization. I now saw the thing that was
an electrocardiograph, monitoring my non-existent heart beat and releasing the
sound that was still tearing at the very back of my brain. That is the one
monitor that doesn’t lie, the one monitor that decides your fate, and reveals
that which would otherwise be known as sleep. I can’t say that the
comprehension of my fate didn’t scare me, in fact I was terrified, but I was
calm. Actually, I was calmer than I had been my entire life. The grip that did
not let go had found a path to me and I really didn’t mind, because if this was
meant to be my fate there’s no way for me to change it. My life is over, but i'm glad that I died a happy man.
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