Until the Daylight Ends

Until the Daylight Ends

A Poem by Justin White
"

This poem is about me standing in the meadow in the property behind my house.

"
I stood there in the meadow
      Where the cattle paths were trodden down
And the breeze would bend the flowers
      And the grass would spring back from the ground.

And the great Pines in the distance
      Would whisper to each other
Songs long forgotten
      Songs of fallen Brothers.

Spotless was this sky of mine
      And yes “mine” I rightly say
Not a ghost appeared upon it
      For it was me that they obeyed.

Yes I stood there in the meadow
      Hearing songs in the wind
Ordering the sky above
      Until the daylight ends.

© 2012 Justin White


Author's Note

Justin White
I'm rather new at poetry so I'm not sure about punctuation and stuff like that. Any thoughts about it would be great :)

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Featured Review

Wow and you say you're new to poetry!

I love the imagery in this poem, I can really picture what you're describing which is great! I especially love the stanza about the pines and songs of fallen brothers? Brilliant!

The only thing I would change is maybe the amount of 'and's you had in the poem. I see three in a row there, (two last lines of first stanza and first of the second) which kinda break the flow a bit. Even if you take them all out, the whole poem flows just a little bit more if that makes sense?
Also putting more describing words in there so instead of 'the grass' say samething like 'green grass' and such.
But these are very very minor tweaks, and as you say you're new to poetry so I think you've done a fantastic job and should defiantely keep writing as you are very talented. I enjoyed this thoroughly and enjoy reading more of your work! :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

this is brilliant, the first 2 stanzas are immaculate from a readers perspective. Here is what i think when i read it, (you dont need to change anything, its just what came to my mind)

Spotless was this sky of mine
And “mine” I rightly say
Not a ghost appeared upon it
For it was me whom they obeyed.

Yet I stood there in the meadow
Hearing songs within the wind
Ordering the sky above
And until the daylight's end.

Either way its a fantastic work.. (: good job!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

lovely and vivid scene. it's empowering that you have taken over the sky and made it your own. excellent poem. there is absolutely nothing in this poem that needs to be changed. it's perfect the way it is!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Good stuff. Your take on punctuation and such is very interesting to me.
Can't wait to see more from you :D

Posted 7 Years Ago


Wow and you say you're new to poetry!

I love the imagery in this poem, I can really picture what you're describing which is great! I especially love the stanza about the pines and songs of fallen brothers? Brilliant!

The only thing I would change is maybe the amount of 'and's you had in the poem. I see three in a row there, (two last lines of first stanza and first of the second) which kinda break the flow a bit. Even if you take them all out, the whole poem flows just a little bit more if that makes sense?
Also putting more describing words in there so instead of 'the grass' say samething like 'green grass' and such.
But these are very very minor tweaks, and as you say you're new to poetry so I think you've done a fantastic job and should defiantely keep writing as you are very talented. I enjoyed this thoroughly and enjoy reading more of your work! :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

I really like this. The property behind your house sounds really awesome. This feeling has happened to me too: that is, the feeling -when one is in nature- of completely melding with your surroundings to the point where you become totally identified with the will of nature -so that one's own will becomes identical with that of the world around you. This poem is pretty awesome in that respect.

As far as punctuation goes, i think it's fine. The line breaks and periods are punctuation enough! As long as you communicate the rhythm of the poem effectively (which you did) i think it doesn't really matter. Great write! and Welcome to Writers Cafe!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on February 6, 2012
Last Updated on February 6, 2012

Author

Justin White
Justin White

Augusta, GA



About
I'm 24 years old, I'm a total Anime freak and I've been writing since I was about 12 or 13. I've done a little of everything but I find my most enjoyment in Poetry. I'm terrible at it but I enjoy it n.. more..

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