That one night

It is a true story about love and feelings that I have experienced. I am talking about one guy in particular and about me loosing my virginity and how it happened. Sorry for any language mistakes.

I felt it.

I have never believed in love, never believed I could have feelings for a stranger, never believed they could be so strong.

I didn’t know how it could be possible to feel something, which cannot be explained by many and which many adults talk about. It happened and I am feeling this weird thing that I want to share with you. 

I will start by telling you about my current situation. Toady I am alone at home, I have been alone for a whole week now. I am an only child, I live abroad and my mother isn’t here now because she went back to our hometown to visit friends and family. I am 18 years old, have never been in a relationship and have never really cared or talked about love. I have always thought that we don’t need someone in our life and I never understood why people were so concerned about relationships. I never understood them love and romantic films that end by people getting together and kissing. My mother would say that it’s a happy ending but I didn’t really understand why.  I have observed people change their other half often and get married and divorce after some time. I have heard a lot about it but I didn’t know what a broken heart was or how it felt. I remember really liking one guy in specific and a couple of others but I have never cared much.

One summer night not many months ago I met one guy. It all started that night. I can’t say that it was a magical night or maybe it was since I was stoned and drunk. I was at an outside party with two girlfriends just sitting outside and talking and dancing. I saw one of my friends talking to one guy.  At that time I didn’t pay much attention. I think it’s a funny story because I wanted to go to the toilet and this guy; my friend was talking to, invite me to go to his toilet at his home. There were public toilets but there were lots of people waiting and there was no toilet paper. You can’t expect a good hygiene because everyone uses them and half of the people are very drunk. This guy that my friend was talking to told me that he leaves a couple of meters away from where we were and since I didn’t stop complaining he politely told me that I could use his toilet. I didn’t know him; I didn’t trust him and I felt insecure leaving with this stranger. We were under the influence of drugs and alcohol and we asked him to give his address and his phone number to my friends. He even showed his ID card. I really wanted my friends to come with me to his home but they didn’t feel like it at all. I was a bit scared but he was just a couple of years older and I really needed to use the toilet so I went with him. It sounds to me today as a stupid decision but we can just learn from our past, we cannot change what is done. I was still virgin and I felt a little unsafe and lonely. He was a handsome guy but I wasn’t particularly attracted to him. There were so many people that he had to take my hand in order for me to follow him and we walked one behind another because there was little space. I wasn’t looking where we were going exactly, one thing I felt while walking was, him slightly petting my hand. This strangely really turned me on. We arrived and I went to the toilet. There was something very weird about the way I was feeling. There was something strange about this guy, in this moment at his home, I was feeling excited. He invited me to have a drink before we go back and he showed me the apartment. We sat in the kitchen and we drunk some more alcohol. We didn’t say much but we looked at each other from time to time. He had very nice and blue eyes. At one point he opened the fridge and he was then looking inside of it for ages. I went to see what he was looking at and than he looked at me straight in the eyes and he kissed me. It was a very, very long and sweet tender kiss. It felt like he had lots of experience. He grabbed my legs and lifted me up. He closed the fridge door while kissing me and he carried to the living room where he gently placed me on the carpet. He put both of my hands up above my hand and he held them tight against the floor and I couldn’t move them. He than continued kissing me and he kissed my neck. For the first time I was feeling so helpless and I liked it. He lifted my shirt up a little with his teeth because his hands were holding mine. He licked and kissed my stomach a little bit, going up and down with his tong and his lips. It felt nice and it was turning me on even more. Even though I was under the effect of weed and alcohol I thought for a moment. It felt like time started again and I was thinking and I was exploring the situation. Some questions came to my head and he saw that I was suddenly not in the mood anymore.

I was surprised that I was going to loose my virginity with a stranger I just met. I wasn’t even prepared and I wasn’t ready to be judged by others for having sex with someone I just met. Everyone judges and everyone has his or her own point of view and limits that they think everyone has to respect. Otherwise they start saying bad things about you and you become a disgusting creature in their eyes. Afterwards those who don’t accept something about you talk and influence their audiences and everyone looks at you like you have committed a crime. I wasn’t ready for all of that stress and I wanted to be normal in people’s eyes and accepted. I wanted others to look at me with respect and with acceptability, not with hate. Our world is a funny place and people judge on daily bases. I do too; it is just a part of our nature, it is how we were made. Judging grew in humanity with time and now it’s something we do without thinking, not on purpose.

I told him that I wasn’t feeling uncomfortable and I asked him to stop. He let me go and stood up. He saw that I was confused and tired so he proposed if I wanted to take a shower so I could refresh my brain and myself. After a long shower I went out and he was making some food so I ate a little and I was feeling much better. I eventually told my friends that I wasn’t going to join them and I stayed over at his place and we had sex. Without much detail, I can overall say that he was very gentle, as he knew it was my first time. My friends were a bit shocked but they accepted the situation since I was drunk and stoned. I don’t regret what happened that night. It was a good experience and after having taken a shower I was feeling much more confident and ready. The next day he took my phone number and I left. Two months later he texted me telling me he was sorry he didn’t text me earlier but he lost his phone and he had some problems, than he was out of the country and some stories like that. I wasn’t angry or happy; I didn’t really expect him messaging me again. I accepted it as the day I got my cherry popped and that’s all. Each one continues with his life. I supposed it was already strange enough for him that I lost my virginity with him without even really knowing him. We started talking everyday and we met again and again and almost every time we had sex and we got to know a little more about each other. It was great fun, he didn’t want anything serious and I didn’t either. We were something like sex friends or friends with benefits. This continued for 5 months, it was cool and I was happy because I was gaining experience without caring much about feelings. At first we met pretty often but than we started meeting up rarely. I started thinking more about him and I was getting annoyed and frustrated with him and with the way he proceeded in his everyday life.

Let me tell you that we were like the day and the night. We had absolutely nothing in common. We neither had the same hobbies, nor the same goals and ambitions. We didn’t hang out with the same type of friends, we liked different songs and different type of music, we had very different opinions and we sometimes didn’t even understand what the other one meant and we had not even one friend in common. Overall we were very different but we were physically attracted to each other. When we talked, which was rare, we didn’t say much. He is a very silent guy and he doesn’t like to talk about feelings or the future. The few things in common we had were that we both liked smoking weed, we were both cold people and we didn’t really like to talk about each other. We were the kind of people that listen to other people’s problems and keep theirs to themselves. We had one condition, which we both agreed on. We told each other that we’re not going to have sex with other people but only with one another. He was good in bed and he lasted long but as time passed he started cuming faster. If at the beginning it took him 40 min, the last couple of times it took him around 10 or less. It wasn’t really a problem because when we met, we made love almost always two times. He was the kind of guy that didn’t like compliments even though he acted like he was sure with himself and with his thoughts. Everything was cool until something horrible happened. I started having feelings. We don’t meet up anymore, for around three months now. The day after Valentines Day I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. Valentines day was horrible, he didn’t say or do anything. I didn’t expect him to do anything but I expected him to wish me a Happy Valentines Day. After all, it was really the least he could to and I was going to be satisfied. I once went out with him and his best buddy and I went with him to the mountains for two days and we met up from time to time to sleep together and have sex. All of this means something, right? Him not saying anything for Valentines Day isn’t the reason I stopped seeing him. During the night on the 14^th of February I saw him out at one place with some of his friends, I was with one friend of mine and we were waiting for some other friends to come. The same day earlier, this guy and me had sex and I went to say hi to him and his best friend. He said hi and told me that we should act like we don’t know each other and that we should have our own night separately. I don’t know what he was thinking but I wasn’t going to incrust my friend and myself with him and with his friends.  This offended me a lot and it was all already just too much for me to get along with so the next day I told him to f**k off. I was just sick and tired of dealing with his strange character and with his mysterious personality, never saying much. We met rarely and he couldn’t define ”us”. When I told him that I see us as sex friends he clearly told me that he doesn’t feel like that and that for him we are not that. At the same time we were not in a relationship, we were clearly not friends, so what the f**k were we?!? Just a “flirt” maybe?  He seemed to be lost, not only in this situation but in general. He didn’t seem to have life goals and he didn’t seem like someone who though much about the future.

 

I thought about him a lot afterwards because I already had feelings for him. I was hoping that he would start feeling the same way I was but he was very good at hiding his feelings, if there were any. It felt like we were scared to tell the other what we though and how we felt, scared that the other one doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t know about him but I was scared to get attached to him and start wanting him in my life. I was also scared because I knew I was getting attached to him. The confusion about our feelings, about what we are and about what he thinks made me more attached. If only he could have said that he doesn’t care about me, I could have been less crazy about the situation. When we stopped meeting up, he texted me a couple of times but I told him that I didn’t want to be the same way we were. I was hoping that he was going to propose something but he didn’t say much. He hurt me and I thought about him everyday for around two months after we stopped meeting and I still sometimes do. I used to always talk to people about him and my friends were getting kind of sick and tired from me talking constantly about him. After him, I had sex with two guys but there were no feelings and I didn’t like it. I thought it would help me get along with life and accept what had happened but it didn’t help. Even today, even in this moment I am thinking about him and writing about him. I deleted all our photos and the only thing I can see is his Whatsapp photo, which he doesn’t change very often. Honestly, if I see him today, I have no idea what I’ll do or how I’ll feel but every time I see that he has changed his Whatsapp photo my heart contacts before I open to see it. I feel lonely and I don’t have anyone in my life. I don’t feel like having sex here and there. I want to have someone who can make me think about him and some nice things, someone who can help me forget this guy and make me happy and make me smile when I see him. I think that if I see this guy I’ll cry and it’s sad because I want to see him and not care, accept that its over and be able to see him and not feel a thing. I would be very upset if I see this guy with another girl. This would destroy me. It will completely ruin me. I often just think about the feeling I used to get when he hugged me and when he kissed me. Thinking about this puts first a smile on my face and than I get upset because this is the past. The way he looked at me and the way he touched me are things difficult to forget. I sometimes hope he also misses that and I hope he thinks about me from time to time. It makes me happy thinking he does.

I think a way to know if someone has feelings for you would be to see the way they look at you. He has looked at me that way, I have seen and I have felt his look. It is a look that you feel, yes. It’s that same look that made me crack for him. My friends used to tell me that I was in love but I always denied. I didn’t deny because I didn’t think it was true but because I was scared. I was scared that I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.

I don’t regret having known him, I regret that things turned out the way they did and I regret having let my feelings interrupt. It would have been for sure easier if I had no feelings for him. I wouldn’t have had to take my time and write about my story with him. The thing I understood about feelings if that once they come, they have the difficulty to leave. All I can say now is that what has happened, has happened. I didn’t have the feeling that he gave me the same value that I gave him. If I am not important for him, this means that he simply doesn’t deserve me. I don’t understand why one should stay with another if it doesn’t work the way it is expected to. How is it expected to work though? It’s for each one of you to decide that. We all have different values.