Heavy Cargo

A comparison of my interpersonal relationships to the freighters I once watched creep along the straits of mackinaw, beneath the bridge and out into nothingness....

The freighters creeeeeep along

The Straits of Mackinaw,

Undisturbed by the vicious, blue chop,

Unaffected by relentless skittles of rain

          that (.....sizzle.....)  in sheets across the watertop;

Plodding_   _  __along straight lines____________

          well-defined routes

                         across the Great Lakes.

All that cargo, [boxed] and rowed along their decks,

Organized by origin and destination,

    are like all my little prepackaged defeats,

       my attitudes.

          my relationships.

It's a daydream,

How theWEIGHTof that cargo

Never doubts itself, never

                                      submerges,

Even with the le -e- e-eer of all that cold

           deep, unforgiving water

                     beneath it.

They drift along the far rim of my horizons,

Sooooooooo               slow,

The way I navigate through all the people

That I've ever known.

The more and more

                 I

    look

                                         away,

    am distracted by a

                gull,

    Or a scrap of litter escaping from a child's hand}............

The more likely I am to look up

And find those heavy freighters and all their cargo

                          G0NE.

                                   .

                                   .

                                   .

                                   .

Author's Note

There are semantic reasons for the grammatical devices employed here, I'm just not sure if they seem forced in this one or if they're just not effective. This was originally written without any unique punctuation or word spacing, then went back and Visualized it. Not sure......

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

"...All that cargo, [boxed] and rowed along their decks,
Organized by origin and destination,
are like all my little prepackaged defeats..."
--One of the best metaphors I have read in a very long time, James...really well done. As far as the devices and effects, I think it would be just as powerful a piece without them, but that they are there lends a certain energy to the flow of the words. In my humble opinion, if you can have that...you know...that strong of a message that the point comes across no matter how it is formatted, which you do, then you are doing something a lot of writers can only dream of doing, and you are doing it well. So, I don't know, keep the unique punctuation...or don't...the words are what matters, and here, they are strong enough to stand on their own.

-kimmer

[Poison Ivy]

nicely done!

[John Phoenix Hutchinson..]

I enjoyed the journey the poem took me on very much, its a great write. Personally I found the devices employed though a slight distraction as I did not understand them.

[James William Dyer]

for instance, (.....sizzle...) the periods symbolize little dots, like raindrops on the water';s surface, and the parenthesis add a mental break around the word, a pause. the line with plodding____....straight lines______, here the underscoring reprfesents those straight lines,; down near the bottom with " I am distracted..." the words are split around the tabs in order to visually represent the distraction I'm talking about, the bold WEIGHT is capitaliuzed and surrounding words are butted up against it to indicate its weight and its influence on surrounding linguistics, to indicate its importance in the poem. the brackets surrounding [boxed] indicate that what the cargo represents has been boxed and seperatedd from the rest, contained in something seen asd a container with a definite intended destination; the descending periods at the end represent something sincking, even though its implied these cargo-carriedrs never seem to sink

[James William Dyer]

they are meant to be very subtle mental symbols that add to the poem, but I'll admit to having some uh technical difficulties employing them in this particular poem

[John Phoenix Hutchinson.]

Thanks for the explanation........that's fab and made re reading your poem great fun!

[Extant]

On the matter of the effectiveness of spacing and punctuation I would say that some things, like in the fourth to last line, that are just lost to me. On the other hand, the visualization of the first half of the poem is very beneficial.
"How the weight of that cargo, Never doubts itself," I got hung up on this line because there is this black cloud of self-doubt, it is hard to imagine, to wrap my head around something like cargo being more certain in it's purpose than me.

[James William Dyer]

yeah the Visualism, I didn't take much time on it here, I'll have to reapply it in a more thought out fashion. thanx for the input

[Extant]

Welcome.

[Lushan]

You really do need to get this published.....

[spiritwind]

I am invigorated by the spatial arrangements and the type differences. I love [boxed]... just how clever was that! The word rowed used that way! Ha!
"The more and more

I

look

away,

am distracted by a

gull,

Or a scrap of litter escaping from a child's hand"

Perfect!
I have to admit that this didn't do it for me... perhaps because of its placement in the poem ",,,,, ,, ,, , , , , , , , ) ) )"
Absolutely am a fan of you now!
You go forth and adventure all over with your poetic insights... I'll be glad to ride your backtrail.

[J. Viands]

Solid work as always

[Pratik]

This made me straighten up and take notice... I haven't read something like this... The letter manipulations that you employ actually make this quite graphic and visual.. I loved this style!! I loved the metaphor in this piece.. how the cargo sailing on treacherous water resembles the quest of an ordinary one for the impossible....Your poetry always reminds me how much magic there actually is in the fleeting moments of life.. Be proud James! You are an exceptional writer :)

[James William Dyer]

thanx. I call it --Visualism--

[Pratik]

You are welcome... :)

[Ees]

Nice waves of the poem. I like that.
I love the bit about getting distracted by a gull of a scarp of litter.
Really well written poem right here. I enjoyed reading it. Nice work, all that heavy cargo... of life being transported around.

Great job!

[Lluvi]

Nice poem!