Tripping

Whilst in hospital over Christmas 2018, suffering with a sepsis infection - I also ended up with delirium, which was very mind bending. And disturbing.

I trip and fall,

But don’t understand why I fall,

Or why I’ve tripped.

What is it that makes me stumble?

What it is that makes me fall to my knees?

Is someone playing a prank?

Or is it…

Can it be…

Me.

I am tripping myself up?

That’s paranoia.

That’s anxiety.

Because someone must be to blame.

Maybe the truth is…

Simpler.

Maybe the truth is…

I fall because I cannot help but fall -

The pitfalls and snares in my mind,

Real and imagined…

The things I’ve buried to survive…

Like the dead rising from a grave,

A hand reaching up to snag my foot -

To bring me to my knees.

And sometimes to bring me all the way down.

I trip and fall,

But I don’t understand why I fall?

Maybe I fall because I know no other way.

Repetition is harsh task master,

It demands…

It insists…

It gnaws at you…

Until…

Until,

You fall.

And you fall hard.

Reality bends, fractures, f***s up,

And you end up wondering

Why,

Why,

Why.

You understand,

But can’t understand.

You know what’s real,

But can’t accept it.

It’s not that the fantasy is better…

It’s not.

It’s just easier,

Easier to accept and to believe.

Because it’s always easier to believe the worst.

It’s always easier to fall into darkness.

It’s always easier to let madness take hold.

Reality bends and breaks and shatters around you…

And part of you accepts,

Part of you is dragged along.

You shatter,

Bend,

Break.

But still a tiny part knows…

Knows,

None of this is real.

You have tripped and fallen.

You can get back up.

You just have to find a way,

To not be overwhelmed -

By what was real,

And what wasn’t.

You have to get back up,

Or you’ll sink.

And if I sink to far,

How will I ever get back up?