Why I (don't) Hate My Phobia

This is from personal experience, and I just think I had to let it out and explain my story as one of a huge group of people who suffer from phobias and psychological disorders, and that it's okay.

Why I (don't) Hate My Phobia

 

          I have entomophobia, or insectophobia, which is the unrealistic fear of all insects. I have a pretty extreme case of entomophobia. Now, you have to know this about an extreme case of entomophobia: I fear ALL (or most) insects. But, if someone fears a small portion of insects, then that's probably arachnophobia, apiphobia, or spheksophobia. Yep… It's a difficult thing. Like: wherever I go, there could be an insect. And that thought.. it puts so much anxiety into my sole. Just think about the continuous struggle. I spend my whole day thinking about insects. And when I said whole, I meant it. While drinking water, while touching walls, while being in outside (in public), or even while walking barefoot, just.. while existing. And I think that a huge percentage of entomophobics with extreme cases developed their phobia over time; in other words, developed entomophobia after a traumatic incident, or, after frequently having bad experiences with insects. And guess what? I'm one of them. I was born with the slightest case of the phobia; disgust towards insects. I had tons of bad experiences with insects, but still didn't develop the phobia. I lived my life normally until: I was in an open-air park in Saudi Arabia, taking a walk with my friends. A cricket landed on my chest. I immediately brushed it off my Abaya (traditional Saudi clothing), since I was very disgusted. Not too long later, I felt something moving under my clothes, on my skin. I thought it was just me imagining that (hallucinating), because I was still affected by what just happened. I pinched myself as I thought it would stop that feeling. It happened again… and continued happening for over one hour. I was pinching myself so hard, even after that feeling stopped. When I got to my building, and was on the stairs, my mother noticed disgust in my facial expressions. She asked me: "What's wrong?" I answered by telling her what happened. She responded: "When we get home, get changed, and check if there's anything in your undershirt." I nodded in agreement, and indeed, changed my clothes, but not the undershirt, I was too scared to. I ate dinner and sat with my family, and decided to take a look inside my undershirt… I found a huge, dark, dead cricket on my left side of my chest. I swear, that this moment changed my whole life. I was extremely shocked, and temporarily lost the ability to speak as I panicked. I shouted: "Grasshopper!" (I did not know the difference between crickets and grasshoppers at the time) and I screamed really hard. Mom made me take off my clothes, got the cricket off me, and watching the dead cricket's body flaking in pieces off my irritated skin, was just traumatic. That day, I was treated like a child. Mom showered me, (the last time she showered me before that day was about 4 years ago) dressed me up, and stroked my back until I slept. (I'm all good now, y'all)

 

     This was the day that changed my life dramatically. I have been suffering for three years now, remembering this incident every day, and wishing it never happened.

 

     The reason some entomophobics (including me) hallucinate, is traumatic incidents. I hallucinate sounds of insects, seeing insects around me, and the worst of them all… insects crawling on my skin (formication). I cannot differentiate between my hallucinations and reality. I hallucinate insects crawling on my skin, or even biting me every time I see an insect or interact with anything related to insects, (I'm going to explain the specific reasons later) or sometimes, I hallucinate for no clear reason, and that's why I hallucinate every day, several times.

 

     I'm not only phobic to insects, or the fact that I'm in a place that contains insects, but to other things related to that. For instance, pictures of insects (includes all insects). I hate it when people tell me comments like: "It's not gonna come out of the paper and eat you.", or when people give me rude looks. I know it's not gonna eat me. I'm just scared for no reason. And remember when I said that I'm concerned about finding insects in water or food? That's because of that I did actually find insects in food/water several times before. And I always hallucinate insects in my mouth when I drink water, even though I check the glass several times before I drink. And I'll always go spit the water, even though I know there isn't anything in my mouth but pure water. It was painful both physically and mentally to type the traumatic incident paragraph. It's just crazy! Not all entomophobics fear all of this, but every single person with entomophobia has exceptions, or something different than other ones. I don't want people to speak to me that way. I want to be treated like a 12 year-old (yep. That's my actual age), and not like a 5 year-old.

 

     When I first realized I was phobic to insects, I thought it was pretty common, which is somewhat true, but the way my Middle Eastern family and friends reacted was, in my opinion, frustrating and pessimistic. Someone even told me: "What would you do if you were all alone at home, and found an insect? Die?" This made me hate myself, but I am proud now to find that I decided to live with that, and accept it, and love it, because it's part of me. And by all means, I do not encourage nor discourage anyone that suffers from a phobia to take needed treatment. In my case, the only choice left was cognitive behavioral therapy, but, because of my extreme case, it would make my phobia even worse      .

 

     Please do not stereotype anyone with psychological disorders based on what you imagine, or hear, or even based on me, and my fears that I mentioned in this essay. We're (psychological disorder sufferers) just normal, but different in a way, and I think: special. And I suppose that I may have more experience than some older people, because I know what fear and pain truly is. Never be ashamed to tell people that you have fears. It's your identity, and you should be proud of that. I think that we should educate our society when it comes to psychological health. I think that we should rethink our standards and provide medication and therapy to thousands of teenagers that are afraid of our community and judgement, without putting so much pressure on them.

 

    

 

          

Reviews

[Soundz]

Freakin awesome way to end your story!
I have a mental disorder and cannot agree with you more, but I believe you have more power in living with it than you believe.
From my cognitive therapy, I learned that a lot of what I associated as threatening and terror inflicting were old experiences being covered up by those fears.
I learned that I am prone to being hyper-aware, most likely from having several experiences of nearly dying before I turned 5.
Maybe the issue wasn't the bug, like crowded places use to be for me, but actually a state of hyper-sensitivity you can channel to really boost any area of physical fitness.
Ultimately, you know more than anyone else how you do.
Great work!!

[Jana Omar]

Thank you! I understand.. It's painful and all, but you gotta live with it. Thanks for motivating me. You actually made my day :)

[Tony Jordan]

First step on the road is admittance of the fears - and as unrealistic as they seem, to the phobic they are very very real. Everybody has at least one fear.
Jana this is motivating write.

[Jana Omar]

Thanks for support :)

[Janet]

I really miss you buddy , wish you could come back , I have ALWAYS got your back , 😢😘