Harry no more

Harry no more

A Poem by Jane

Harry no more 

I tarry 

Lingering with your head - a basket 

Of endless tears 

To nothing and everything 

I sail 

Leaving behind, in the dust

Your ever- estranging 

Rail.

© 2019 Jane


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I'm lost. You're mixing metaphors, like sailing and leaving a trail of dust. And you're making unfortunate choices as to line ending. As read, you tell me that MY my head is a "basket." Only after the next line is read does it make sense. But since you already called the reader's head a basket...

You need to edit from the reader's seat, not your own, because your intent for how it should be read doesn't make it to the page. The reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours.

Posted 7 Months Ago



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129 Views
1 Review
Added on March 3, 2019
Last Updated on March 8, 2019
Tags: poem, die, depression, teen, modernity, gender, love, romance, goodbye, leave, change, parting, grief, beginning, end

Author

Jane
Jane

Toronto, Ontario, Canada



About
a seventeen year old girl who has been feeling things more..

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