1. Nostalgia

It was one of the nights, Brooke couldn't escape the haunting question. Why did she leave? Why did Mom leave without even a goodbye. All that's left is is frozen smile in a frame and her old diary.

CLING! Brooke’s combat boots skidded against the icy ground as she stepped back. She inhaled and the frosty air cooled the blood running wild in her veins. She popped her knuckles, loosening her grip on the sword’s hilt, and rolled her shoulders so that they stayed flexibly round. She reminded herself to relax as tension began to weigh her down. She did not want to lose again. She wanted to show the man who’d taken time from his solitude, which he held precious, that it had not gone to waste.

Snow fell on the granite battlefield and the flakes vanished against raw, wet breezes that whipped past Brooke’s cheekbones, set high upon her face. She pointed her long blade in the direction of her opponent’s, silent, yet contemplative eyes, who she called her master. She flicked her dark, wispy bangs aside to glance at her master’s stance, searching for ways to counter him before they would meet by swords again.

She groaned to see his blade jabbed in the ground. He was leaning against the pommel of his sword as if leisurely leaning against a bar table. He tapped his foot and arched his thick brows. His eyes displayed a stern impatience that aggravated Brooke. She sprung at him and raised her sword to break the arrogant stance, but he blocked her. Brooke didn’t even see him lift the sword from the ground. She didn’t see a muscle move. A bull can’t charge at a crane, Brooke mused, and she had to relax. No matter how bulky her master was, he was always fluid with his movements.

Master yawned and pushed her back. This did not keep her down. She never stayed down for long, and she faced her Master, returning to basic stance. Her resilience kept her warm and standing tall like the string of a strong bow.

The two swords sung a reverberating tune as they continuously clashed together, singing the collision of impregnable energies. Her deflections had improved, she noticed. Usually, she had trouble keeping up with her master, leaving the field with multiple wounds. Now she deflected every one of his strikes.

 Master raised his sword. Brooke sank into her rooted leg, twisted her waist to the right, and she stopped him by her blade ridge. She smirked as her blade ducked below her master’s, and she used the back of the sword, sliding it against the back of her master’s sword, to fling it across the field. She sliced the sleeve of his cloak, teasing him, drawing on the shock of the comeback. He stepped back this time, and tripped on his own big feet. She pointed her sword to the tip of his bulbous nose and a victorious grin carved its way between her burning cheeks. “Looks like I have won,” said Brooke as she panted.

A mischievous grin engraved into his rigid, brown beard. He swiped his legs below hers and tripped her. He used the small opportunity to scuttle to his sword, grab it, and stretch back to Brooke, already pointing it towards her nose. 

Brooke’s elbows scraped against the ground as she sat up and scowled. His husky voice towered over her, “Looks can be deceiving.”

Brooke pursed her lips as he offered a hand. Brooke laid her small fingers into his huge palm. She stood and swatted away snow and rock dust off her tights. She knitted her light brows together, propped her hands on her hips, and gave him a dramatic look of betrayal. “Rogue!” she yelled, “You cheated!” The words caught in her coarse throat. Just when she thought she had him this time…How was she supposed to enter the academy, after nine years, still unable to beat her master? How was she supposed to fight to protect anyone if she had so much trouble protecting herself?

Rogue ignored her and walked over to the empty tree stump by his cottage house. He grabbed his beer and chugged it down.

Brooke shivered and hugged herself, finally realizing how cold it was to be wearing a half-sleeved top. She regretted letting Lucy borrow her longer sleeved shirt. It probably had her perfume all over it. Brooke sneezed.

Her master removed his cloak from his large shoulders and wrapped it around her arms. “Catching a cold isn’t a teen thing is it?” he joked.

Brooke rolled her eyes. “FYI, this is the only thing I’ve got to wear that doesn’t have some kind of perfume I don’t like on it,” she ranted. “My dad won’t buy me any new clothes. We’ve got to save money, says Mary. Not what she says when she buys these million dollar clothes, shoes, and plastic surgery.”

“What about her children?” Brooke stared at the darkened sky and the snow topped mountains reaching towards it.

“If Mary doesn't treat me like crap, then they take her place.” Brooke shook her head and glared at Rogue. “What was the tripping thing all about?” she griped.

Rogue shrugged. “We’re sparring, were we not?” He paused, thinking, and said, “The sword is not my only weapon in combat, remember that, but you put up a tough fight and have come a long way; I’m very proud of you and I think you’ll do fine at the academy.” Brooke took in the encouraging words and nodded. “Next time, we’ll focus on your martial arts, okay?” 

She smirked. “Next time, I’ll kick your butt; just you wait!”

Rogue laughed as he ruffled Brooke’s hair as if she were a bouncy puppy. “Can’t wait to see that, my growing pupil.” He finished the last of his beer, crushed the can, and tossed it away. He belched, and Brooke laughed as the crass sound echoed into the mountains and disturbed the ravens. Rogue tugged the end of his beard. “When are you entering the academy anyways?”

Brooke mashed her lips together and looked away shyly. “I don’t know.”

“Can’t hesitate forever, Brooke.”

“I know,” she muttered. She didn’t mean to hesitate, but becoming a guardian for the royal family was an intimidating job. What if she didn’t have the right skills? No, she must not doubt her abilities, she reminded herself, but still…

“You’re almost twenty years old now, you can’t stay under your father’s roof forever, and-”

“I sent in the form already, Rogue!” she exclaimed. 

Rogue cocked his head to the side and smiled. “Oh really?”

“I’m waiting for the confirmation for my audition.”

“Well, only thing left to do is hope you get it.”

Brooke returned his smile. She removed the cloak, gave it to Rogue, and tucked her sword in its sheath hooked to her belt. “I have to go; thanks for the session.”

She hurried out of the rocky path from Rogue’s cottage and followed the whispers of the Lavender Stream through the small forest into the kingdom walls. Snow and time fought against her. Dad’s house rested in the Far East on the rural side of the kingdom. Brooke thought about catching a bus, but she didn’t have any money on her. Besides, Brooke enjoyed running. She passed townhouse neighborhoods, the gas station, the diner, the movie theater, and other buildings that slowly trundled into hills and plains.

The moon shined golden and bright on the slanted shingles of Dad’s house. Brooke hoped he wouldn’t scold her about her broken curfew. He was always concerned about her when it came to her guardianship training, and she managed to break the curfew three nights in a row lately. She was sure Dad had something to say- him or Mary.

She walked over the little, cement bridge and stopped in front of the mailbox. She opened it and flipped through teen magazines, bills, and…her confirmation letter! She had to have the audition and do well to get into the academy.

Brooke knocked on the door, hating every reason Mary came up with not to give her a key. Fannie answered the door, smiling fading and shoulders slumping at the sight of Brooke. “Aw man, I thought it was someone I wanted to see.” Brooke pushed past her, ignoring the insult. No one was in the living room.

“I assume Lucy and Mary are getting their face lifts?”

Fannie folded her arms. “Ha ha, they’re in the dining room; Mom and your dad want to see you.”

She went down the hall to the dining room. The house smelled like burnt baked chicken. Mary had probably cooked. Dad, Lucy, and Mary sat in the wooden chairs around the long, square table. Mary and Dad turned away from each other. Mary’s big nose crinkled looking like a cartoon-illustrated witch. “Oh Brooklyn, please, aren’t you hungry?”

Brooke saw the full plate next to Lucy. A dark, lump of meat she was sure was the chicken, a glop of grey mashed potatoes, and slimy green peas made Brooke lose her appetite. “No thanks, I’m not ready to die yet,” she replied.

Mary narrowed her eyes at Brooke. Dad sighed. “Can you at least be difficult sitting down, Brooklyn?” Brooke sat beside Lucy, but she wasn’t going to touch the plate.

Dad never said Brooke’s whole name unless something was important. She hoped it was news that Mary and him would be breaking up and she and her daughters would have to move far, far away.

“So, how’s that old perv in the mountains? Rock was his name?” asked Lucy, waking Brooke out of her blissful thoughts. Brooke frowned at the air headed blonde.

“His name is Rogue, and he’s not old and perverted like your boyfriends. He’s my friend and one of the best adults I see all day.” Lucy crossed her arms and stuck her tongue at her.

“Please don't, we can only guess where that's been.”

“Enough!” commanded Mary, her voice light and firm. Her eyes softened and she turned to Dad, smiling as if she’d found a new gold watch she loved collecting. “Oh dear, tell her for me I’m so excited!” exclaimed Mary as she rubbed her nose against Dad’s nose.

He signaled Brooke to come and she approached him. “Brooklyn, I want you to look at me, okay?” She obeyed under the firmness in his voice. “How would you feel about me remarrying?”

The word sent a shattering ring through her ears. She asked with the little hope she had, knowing there was only one person he planned to remarry. “To who?”

Mary revealed a diamond ring wrapped around her finger. Her bony, ugly, marriage finger. “Who do you think?” Mary kissed Dad and Brooke stood there frozen, not sure how to react. No matter how she tried to rearrange the picture, it was all the same. Dad loved Mary as an abandoned dog loved his savior. Mary fed Dad with love, for his money. Even so, it seemed he wagged his tail at her happiness. And no matter how Brooke rearranged the situation, this wasn’t right! Mary- her mother and her horrible daughters an official part of her family?

Brooke scowled and replied, “I don’t like it.” Her honest words chilled the room. Mary pretended to cry and wailed about how unwelcome she felt. Brooke rolled her eyes and walked away. Dad called her name, but she refused to listen.

She went to her room and slammed the door behind her. She fell on the bed, set the envelope on the end table, and faced the framed picture of how her real family used to be. She gave it a nostalgic smile. Her mother’s blue eyes smiled back at her. Then, the unanswered question began to bother Brooke again. Why did she leave? Brooke remembered that one night, snuggled close to her mother, and then gone when she woke up. She had searched the house and her father never responded to the question. Well, he did, with tears of his own, but that didn’t help.

Brooke opened her closet to hang up her clothes and stash her sword. All her sparring gear lay in a jumble on the closet floor. Things she used when she was younger and first picked up the sword, first decided to train for the academy to become a guardian and protect the royal family. She decided this to have a goal, something to work for, and something to make her come to peace with her mother’s absence.

As Brooke searched for a gown to put on after her shower, she spotted a cardboard box in the corner. Brooke noticed this box before, but didn’t mess with it. Probably had useless junk, or worse, things Mom left behind. A book sticking out caught her eye. Cursive writing stretched across the tattered cover spelling, Diary of Rain Sevede. That was her mother's name. Her eyes tightened as she grasped the book. She picked up the book and flipped through the pages, withered with age.

A knock at the door startled her. She set the book down as gently as she would set a glass vase down and opened the door. Dad leaned in the arch. “Hey, Brooke, look, I know Mary and the girls can be a handful sometimes and-” Dad peered over Brooke’s head and she turned to see what caught his attention. “What’s that?”

“I didn’t know we kept Mom’s diary.” His eyes widened and he rushed over to the book. He picked it up and stared at the cover. Brooke was afraid he’d sulk after seeing the thing. That’s what he usually did when he found Mom’s possessions.

“Uh well, I’d been searching for this-”

“I found it in the closet,” answered Brooke before he asked. 

Brooke had expected to read the diary; maybe it would have the reason why she left. Mom had always been an interesting figure, a mysterious figure too. Dad started leaving with the book. “I want to read some of it!” she exclaimed.

Dad shook his head. “No, Brooklyn.” There her full name was again. The diary was indeed of great importance. It was an item the person missing in their lives wrote in, perhaps inputting answers that both Brooke and Dad had wondered when Mom dwelled within her mysteries.

Brooke crossed her arms and studied her father’s blank expression, something she hadn’t seen since her mom left. “Maybe she….”

His light brows furrowed against his creasing forehead and he yelled with a mix of anger and sadness, “She’s gone, Brooklyn!”

Brooke stepped back and observed her dad’s mood change. Brooke expected the reaction, but not like this. The man loved and hated his wife. He loved her because she made him happy and hated her because she left without a simple goodbye. Brooke lowered her head and Dad’s face loosened. He pulled Brooke into a hug and said, “She’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“I know,” said Brooke, the only thing she could say. She hadn’t taken Mom’s disappearance so harsh until Mary came along. She released all her outbursts on the battlefield with Rogue. “I know what you mean, Dad.”

Brooke ushered her dad out. He left with the book. She decided to drop it. Brooke swiped up her letter and ripped it open. One good thing…her audition was in five days.

 

Author's Note

Dear Reader,

I apologize about the length of this chapter. However, there are some important details here. I purposely made Rogue out to be that epic style mentor. There's really no twist with him, though. He just trains Brooke and is a very dear friend. That is all. I like that he is a technophobe. He is kind of like a symbol of epic fantasy for me. I wanted you to know most of all Brooke's ambition and why it is her ambition.

However, please critique and review if there is anything I missed. I purposely chose that picture to represent the chapter because Brooke's mother's disappearance is a mystery. Darkness symbolizes blindness and ignorance.

Thank you for reading! :)

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

Reviews

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Dialogue is an art in its self. Keep playing around with it and find your own voice(literally). I too am not the greatest at it, but you definitely want a character to have his/her own personality and style. When a character switches between two different voices or styles it's hard to tell who they really are. I had alot of trouble with this when I first started writing and still do. But if you keep at it you'll find your groove.

The story is interesting and works well with the characters. I personally like to build my characters around the world. I don't think there's a right or wrong way. Plot is pretty good, you seem to have that down. And there aren't any grammatical errors(which don't really matter when I review something).

Good job and don't stop writing.

[Kianna]

Yeah, I see what you mean. Gotta do more research on dialogue because I guess I forgot how to make voice distinct without just messing up the grammar rules. Do you have any tips on how to make dialogue distinctive?

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Let your characters come to you. Don't force any personality on them. That's the only tip I have. :)

[Yaseen J Malik]

Wat better way to start off a book than a kick a*s fight scene. I am infatuated with this book so far! Academy archetypes are classic and popular ways of taking the reader into a whole new world! I look forward to reading the rest

[Barbara Walker]

You hooked me in the beginning and that's one of the requirements of a good story. Number two is getting the reader to want to read more. You've done that with this reader. I look forward to reading more.

[It's Me, The Miracle]

I never was confident to write dialogues as most of my write ups were like narrations.....Nostalgia is a lesson to me....Thanks a lot for posting it

[TL Boehm]

One thing I noticed right away is that you have had a few really in depth reviews which is amazing and rare here at the cafe and I must admit I am a bit envious. I hardly ever get those and i've been here writing both poetry and fiction since 2007. So - whatever it is that you're doing - you're doing it right.
That being said for interest of time I won't be as in depth but i will say I agree with the other reviewers about things like small grammatical issues, punctuation - that's the kind of thing we get blind to as we write (at least I do - you know what you're saying and what you mean so small things can get missed. Its that edit process and it can suck) I liked the dialogue and I am curious about Brooke. The setting has my little ears perked too. Why swordplay and a royal family juxtaposed with a character that sounds as though she could be in a modern setting - and then the name Brooklyn. i think these little bits intrigue me as much as the disappearance. I want to know how all this fits together.
Its a well penned piece - I enjoyed reading it

[MoonlitAngel]

So I'm going to review as I read so that I don't forget or miss anything that I come across. Of course, as a side note, I will be one of many thousands or millions of readers enjoying this book if you take the next step and get this published, so my word is not (under any circumstances) law. Anything that I say take with a grain of salt and understand that these are opinions - unless I fix grammatical errors, and even then it can be opinion (although I will state if it's opinion to clear up confusion).

In the first paragraph, the line, "She wanted to show the man who’d taken time form his solitude, which he held precious, that it had not gone to waste." was somewhat confusing for me. I had to reread this line as well as the lines before it to make sure I could understand it. As this is your first paragraph of your first chapter, having that confusion isn't the best way to start off. An option for you to play around with to help you rewrite (if you choose to do so): "She wanted to show her master that his time being in another's company wasn't being wasted, as he held great reverence for his solitude. It was as precious to him as _______ was to her." You will need to fill in the blank, since I have not read the rest of the chapter to see what exactly is precious to her. Because I mentioned here that she considers him "her master", later on in the next paragraph, you will not need to make that distinction. I feel when writing fantasy and introducing this whole new world and idea, a new social structure, new laws, it is best to just say it as it will be said later on, instead of stopping to explain to the reader what is what. The best example I can give for this, if you ever get the chance to read it, is the series of books called "The Game of Thrones" by George R. R. Martin. He jumps right into the world and doesn't stop to explain why certain things are the way they are, but he does illustrate(sp?) quite clearly how this world works. One sentence that comes to mind in his book roughly goes like this:
"But women don't shave," said (her name eludes me at the moment).
"Maybe they should. Have you ever seen Septa M___'s legs?" Jon smiled.
Again, that's roughly what it is, and obviously I am horrible at remembering the names, but the point is, is that through dialouge, a small conversation that holds no meaning except as filler for a good-bye scene introduces the concept that in this world that Martin has created, only men shave and women do not have to. Explain things through small, insignificant words instead of blantly coming out and saying how it is.
And that is fantastic... My dad just came in and I had him read the sentence to see if it made any sense to him, and he just said that "form" is supposed to be "from", which makes the whole sentence make sense, especially since tohave form there, you should have "time to form"... Which both sentences make sense in what you're trying to get across, as well as my own sentence, but I felt that it would be a shame to rewrite/delete everything I had already said, so what I wrote above can be seen as a friendly tip to help you later on in your writing if you decide to sit down and edit this any time soon. I am so sorry for the complete idiocy I just showed, but I do hope it will help for future writing.

The sentence: "She pointed her long blade in the direction of her opponent’s, silent, yet contemplative eyes, who she called her master." Again, if you take my suggestion above, you will no longer need to have "who she called her master" written there, but for the other parts, the commas are misplaced. This is just a grammatical error that is easily fixed. It should read something like, “She pointed her long blade in the direction of her opponent’s silent, yet contemplative eyes.” If you are to keep the last part, “who she called her master”, you will need to change this to be in another sentence, as that is a comma splice in your original sentence. So, “She pointed her long blade in the direction of her opponent’s silent, yet contemplative eyes. The owner of these eyes was a man who she called her master.” Or something to that effect.

So you will need to make a distinction… Is it “her master” or is it “Master”?

I really enjoy the sentence, “Her resilience kept her warm and standing tall like the string of a strong bow.” It not only gives an idea of what kind of world this is, but it also gives a descriptiveness to help set up the way these people grow up. Many people describe things based on the things they know; your sentence helps show that Brooke is familiar with bows and helps form the setting.

“Usually, she had trouble keeping up with her master, leaving the field with multiple scars.” Scars are the product of wounds – she would leave the field with multiple wounds, which will later turn into scars.

There are a lot of tense changes in your story, but that is the most I can help you concerning that. I myself am absolutely horrible with tenses and have to get help from others to figure out my mistakes.

I like this part: “She smirked as her blade ducked below her master’s,” because it gives character to Brooke. She smirks because she is finally besting him and is taking a moment to revel how much she’s improved. Another character might have taken the moment to take pride, but still be serious and not let even a single moment allow for a small smile. (I am attempting to give good feedback as well as constructive – I have a horrible habit of nitpicking at all the things I see wrong and never saying what’s right, something I’m trying to fix).

““Looks like I win to me,” said Brooke as she panted.” Dialogue. I could easily say dialogue is one of my most favorite aspects of writing. Dialogue can be whatever the author chooses it to be – slang, character, and perspective are all shown through the words the characters speak, no matter who is the main character. You may or may not have done it on purpose, but if you didn’t, it would be a more correct way of writing if you were to write, “Looks to me as if I’ve won,” or something along those lines. But, again, this is dialogue, so you can make it whatever you want it to be. This is one of the few areas where you don’t have to follow the rules of writing.

“A mischievous grin engraved into his rigid, brown beard.” Wrong use of the word “engraved”. I don’t know the correct terminology to help you out, but I do know it should say something like, “A mischievous grin began to engrave itself into his…” or, “A mischievous grin was engraved into his…” depending on the tense.

“He swiped his legs below hers and tripped her!” The use of the exclamation mark gives the sense that this is a children’s book. I don’t know how to explain it, but it seems kid-like to me. I don’t know who your intended audience is, but if you want to go for a young adult or adult audience, make the writing more serious (as in, when writing the imagery between speaking parts, don’t use exclamation marks). If it is for little kids, then keep it.

“Brooke pursed her lips as he offered a hand. Brooke laid her small fingers into his huge palm.” Don’t use her name back-to-back like that. It is repetitive and not needed. Since we know one character at this point is male and the other is female, the usage of “her”, “she”, “his”, and “him” are alright. When it’s two female or two male, distinction is helpful, but not in this case since it’s opposite genders.

“Her master’s name rumbled from her numb lips and she yelled,” so I see that you are using a lot of vocabulary but you may not be using it in the best way. This happens a lot, actually, when writers want to sound more sophisticated. The use of rumbled here might not have the desired effect on the readers. By using rumbled, the thought of this girl have a deep, manly-ish voice is what comes to mind. Using rumbled while saying “numb” later on in your sentence seems contradictory to me. Maybe have another word replace either rumbled or numb, depending on whom you want your character to be.

““FYI, this is the only thing I’ve got to wear that doesn’t have some kind of perfume I don’t like on it,” she ranted.” This isn’t really a rant, as to add with the part I said above. Misuse of word, I believe.

“Brooke mashed her lips together and looked at Rogue shyly.” I don’t want to be gross here, but the wording just comes across as crush-like. Maybe if you said, “Brooke mashed her lips together and looked away shyly.” Instead of at Rogue.

““You’re almost twenty years old now,” when writing out ages, it’s grammatically correct to write it like, “twenty-years-old”. Always have the hyphens connecting it. I learned this the hard way when my English teacher ridiculed me in front of the class by putting it up on the board and allowed other students’ to laugh at my mistake. No one knew it was me, but I did. It was horrible.

“…and she managed to break the curfew three days in a row lately.” Maybe reword it to say, “…and she managed to break curfew three nights in a row already.”

“Fannie answered the door. Her smile faded and her shoulders slumped.” For a second, I thought Brooke was the “she” you wrote about the smile fading and shoulders slumping… Because it’s Fannie, you should rewrite it to say, “Fannie answered the door, her smile fading and shoulders slumping at the sight of Brooke.”

““And I assume Lucy and Mary are getting their face lifts?”” Take out “and” in this sentence, because it gives the impression she had already said something, which she didn’t.

““Can you at least be difficult sitting down, Brooklyn?” Brooke sat beside Lucy, but she wasn’t going to touch the plate.” I don’t understand what you’re saying here in the dialogue. Did you mean, “Can you at least be less difficult and sit down, Brooklyn?”?

“Lucy crossed her arms and stuck her tongue at her.
“Please, we don’t know where that’s been.”” Maybe give more distinction that Brooke is talking about Lucy’s tongue – maybe, “Please don’t, we can only guess where that’s been.”

““Enough!” shouted Mary, her voice light and firm.” The use of “shouted” while describing it as “light and firm” is contradictory. Maybe instead of shouted, you can use “commanded”.

“Mary pretended to cry and wailed about how unwelcome she felt.” By Brooke’s thoughts and reactions towards Mary and her daughters, I doubt any of them didn’t know already how Brooke felt, so by saying this is Mary’s reaction to Brooke saying “I don’t like it,” when her dad asked about remarrying seems childish and immature to me. I’m not sure if you wanted to make Mary come across as that, but I would suggest changing the reaction.

“That was Brooke’s mother name.” should be “mother’s”.

“It was an item the person missing in their lives wrote in perhaps, inputting answers that both Brooke and Dad had wondered when Mom dwelled within her mysteries.” You put the comma in the wrong spot. It should be, “…in their lives wrote in, perhaps inputting answers…”

Overall, this was a good start. It introduced a world that combined older times with newer times. Definitely an interesting twist – I’ve never seen a book like this written before, so I’m looking forward to reading more. I hope my review helps… I apologize if I seem like a bratty know-it-all, I’m just trying to help the best possible way I can. Good luck! :)

[Kianna]

Your words cut me like a knife, but I love it ha ha. Thanks for taking the time to point out so much I had missed. Well, at least you got the gist of the idea and plot that I intended for the reader to grasp. These things can definitely be fixed. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

[MoonlitAngel]

I hope I didn't offend you. That wasn't my intention. I just know that I would love reviews like this, but I rarely get one, so when I get the opportunity to help as much as possible, I try to. You really are an excellent writer and I'm excited to read more of your book. And I don't just get the gist of the idea; you made it very clear. A lot of what I pointed out are small mistakes, even though it may not seem like it with the lengthiness of my review. You're doing much, much better than most writer's I've come across.

[Kianna]

No you didn't and believe me I get it. That's why my reviews can be so long too. I really value the honesty and effort you put into reviewing this. It really means a lot to me :)

[MoonlitAngel]

I don't know how often I will be able to give reviews like this, but I will try to every so often. I will try to be as honest as possible lol.

[Kianna]

Ha ha, it does get tiring some times, especially with life buzzing all around. I understand.

[annie lee]

Sorry, when I hit submit review, the php dumped core, puked its guts all over the page. I promise I will review again when I get a few minutes.

[Jane P.]

I'm really enjoying the story so far! Brooke seems to be quite a character and I'm loving hermit Rogue! You have an interesting story line, very curious to find more out about her missing mother, and clearly defined characters. You're writing style is very entertaining and you have some beautiful examples of figurative language embedded within your prose.

Some grammatical things:

"She flicked her dark, wisp bangs" should it by wispy?

"She groaned to see his blade jabbed in the ground with him leaning against the pommel of his sword as if leisurely leaning against a bar table." I feel like this sentence needs some commas to break it up and better establish the pace of your story, "She groaned to see his blade jabbed in the ground. He was leaning against the pommel of his sword, as if leisurely leaning against a bar table." Okay, so I've actually broken this up into two sentences. One technique to create drama and tension is to include short, punchy sentences. They catch the reader's attention and urge the audience to continue reading.

There were some inconsistencies with the word 'Master' as it switched from appearing capitalised to lower-case.

"and she stopped him by her blade ridge." This needs to be "by her blade's ridge" or "with the ridge of her balde"

"“Looks like I win to me,” said Brooke as she panted." Okay, so I'm not entirely sure I understand what Brooke is saying here. I think it was pointed out in your reviews, but the dialogue is a little confusing. "Looks to me like I've won" might sound a little more natural and structurally correct. Dialogue is my least favourite part of writing, because I feel like I get the chance to trick my reading into thinking I'm insightful and sophisticated through my descriptive imagery. However, when the time for dialogue comes around, I feel like everyone suddenly becomes aware of how ordinary the characters are. The biggest tip I can give you for dialogue is to keep it simple. I think sooooo much better than I talk - seriously, I sound like an illiterate 12 year old when I talk! Generally your characters will too. You can make things sound more natural if you think of how you personally would respond, and don't try to complicate your response.

That being said, "“If Mary don’t treat me like crap, then they take her place.” Brooke shook her head " You don't have to make your characters sound as illiterate as I am, 'don't' should be replaced by 'doesn't'.

"He winked at her. “Next time, we’ll focus on your martial arts, kay?”" wooooookay, this might just be me, but this sounded a little out of character. I have never seen a big, macho dude wink and say 'kay'. I''m getting that Rogue has a playful side, but as an adult I think you're fine to make him say 'okay'. Keep things simple, you don't need to have your characters abbreviating and shortening everything they say - particularly adults. When you consider the dialogue for Rogue, picture him as a male figure who you already know in real life. Think of what that guy would say in this situation and use that as a basis for Rogue's response.

That being said, I love the relationship between Brooke and Rogue! They almost sound like siblings the way they banter and act towards each other - it's so endearing!! You have a very interesting story here. I actually thought it would be set in some epic fantasy world, with the way it started out, but I love that you have established this twist and set the story in our modern world - very intriguing.

I can't wait to read more!

[Kianna]

Thanks for pointing all of these things out. I didn't realize a lot of these things you have mentioned. Thanks esp. for being specific :)

[Kianna]

Oh and the hair thing; I looked it up and thought the kind of bangs Brooke had were described as wisp bangs, but it might be wispy. Not sure.

[Jane P.]

No problem, it's super hard to correct your own work anyway (I totally struggle with it!).
Okay so I have just googled 'whisp bangs', because it's now both confusing and annoying me, and google corrected me to 'whispy bangs'! Again, up to you whether you want to change it or not :)
It's your amazing story!!

[Jane P.]

Omg I can't edit my last comment - so wow, just correcting that wisp is spelt wrong both times.
read moreOmg I can't edit my last comment - so wow, just correcting that wisp is spelt wrong both times.

[Kianna]

Oh my bad okay cool! Thanks, saves me the trouble :)

[Christoph Poe]

You know, I got to thinking about it, and here's another exercise I've done in the past that's helped with my dialogue. Write a screenplay, but don't include all those nitty gritty details. Just write what two people are sitting down and talking about. (Or three or four people.)

As such:

A: "Let's not do this, Dan."

B: "Come on. You suck the fun out of every-damn-thing!"

A: "No, I don't feel comfortable."

B: "I'm doing it without you or not."

(I just BSed that, but maybe you get my drift?) My problem way back when is that I'd get so caught up with the parts in between dialogue, and it would make my conversations awkward or rough to follow.

Just another suggestion that might help. Sorry for coming back with more bombarding complaints! I'll leave you alone now and rest. Lol.

--Christoph Poe

[Larry Dyson]

hmmm interesting question...CLING! ..must be the sound of her blade hitting ..his blade..it surely is not the sound of her boots sliding on the ice and snow...?sometimes the obvious in our heads is not the same for our readers...CLING! ...waa the sound of her blades pary as she slid on the ice....etc

[Larry Dyson]

Good enought to publish and sell...I would read it and I endearver to write similar works...keep it up ..I'll be enjoying the write! Laury
ps.yes the grammer needs checking and some spelling ...from and form ..just little stuff...

[Kianna]

Thanks for the encouragement. Oh yeah the tense changing- gah, didn't know trying to hide my to be verbs would come off so unprofessional. Will make changes pronto!