The Couple

Poem that I'm working on. Your thoughts are welcomed and appreciated. I think I'm going to add some dialogue.

He is like the vacant mansion she’d pass as a child with its impeccable architecture and windows like night pulling at her.

She tells him that she can’t see him anymore, walking with purpose to the part of the beach that leads nowhere, but what she means is hold me and watch the evening sun let go.

 

She loves him in Spain, her flat belly against warm sand, watching sailboats, laughing with friends. He thinks of her back in London, fastening his shirt, the chill of night air through single paned windows, his mates knocking at the door. Or she is paying for iced tea out of a vending machine just before class in Salamanca and he on a plane to see his mum in South Hampton. Or she is in a sundress writing at a café in Figueres and he is driving down Old Brompton Road in traffic. 

 

They rent a white adobe villa on a rising hill in Ibiza town. Wind and sounds of night swimming through open shutters. He is like graffiti, colorful, fascinating. He loves the way she looks long and lean against white sheets the moonlight brightening on her. You can tell, she loves him, when she kisses his forehead as he sleeps, stars sprayed across the night sky behind him as she writes it all down. 

(working out the last line...) 

Reviews

[Eileenws]

Really beautiful imagery and wonderful contrasts with the two countries. I noticed the word like in paragraphs 1 and 3. I was thinking that maybe you could take out the two of the likes and see how it flows. Very nice job. I would like to see the dialogue if you decide to put it in. Nicely done. Eileen

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Eileen and thank you for the suggestions. I will try that. I like adding dialogue. I plan to work on this soon.

Best regards,
Jennifer

[zainul]

Really thought provoking piece.
This is good to see that poems have started to transform.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Zainul. I appreciate your comment. I enjoy narrative writing, but I try different forms sometimes. Thank you for taking time to review. I look forward to reading more if your work.

Happy writing,
Jennifer

[zainul]

You are always welcome.
I love dynamic writers like you who have courage to introduce new genres.
My adherence to the old rhyming style may also shift at any time.
I will be very happy if you stop by in my little world.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Zainul. Yes, its fun to try new styles sometimes. I write rhyming styles too. I've always enjoyed your writing and will be stopping by :)

[zainul]

Thanks for your great gesture.

[A.J.]

genre bending (who needs those?), beautiful, top-notch work.. to say the least.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you A.J. It was a free write. Turned out very prose, but hey it's writing and I enjoy writing. :)

Thank you again,
Jennifer

[A.J.]

freewrite/ stream-of-conscious, is always best to me. i love raw, not doctored up and categorized myself.

[JenniferMarie]

I completely agree.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, this is more of a short prose piece, but as Will said, it does read with poetic movement..

poemy prose i like to call it....i have written pieces something like this...

but the intensity of the love here is amazing...whether it is real or fantasy...

love was traveling in the piece and in my mind as well.

thanks for the journey.

jacob

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Jacob. This was a quick write that needs a lot of work. I plan to see what I can mold it into soon when I have some time. Thank you for your review. I appreciate it.

[Will Neill]

Jennifer, I read this short piece-I'm not sure if its a poem or a love story, It kept me intriged like a story yet it flowed like a poem. I could feel her emotions and thoughts. Maybe work it a little more like flash fiction. Good discriptions, blend them in just a bit more. Keep writing.
Will

[JenniferMarie]

I agree Will. This one I wasn't so sure of but posted anyways. It just kind of came out this way, but i think I'll give it a chance and edit it and see what happens. Thank you for your review its helpful.

[Will Neill]

They are all our 'babies' we give birth (so to speak) and then we watch them grow. Your welcome I hope I helped.
Will

[JenniferMarie]

So true. I just try to try new things and it doesn't always work, but I have to keep trying :)

[Samuel Jack]

It's close to a story, but very sweet, reminded me of going to Ibiza with my lady. It paints a picture well, but I think you could either go more vivid with the imagery and take it more on a poetry angle or jut make it a story. I enjoyed it non the less.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you. Yes, this was a quick write, but one Ive struggled with. I write stories and I enjoy writing poetry and in this I think I mixed it all up. I'm not sure what I will do with this writing. It may just be something that inspires me to write a story or like you said mold it into poetry. Thanks so much for reviewing.

I look forward to reviewing your work as well.

[LJW]

No, I would just remove the line : Finally,she is a flower unfurling....

Now look at that ending snapshot in your mind's eye. Real moments carried all the way through the poem.

I would not delete the graffitti line. It works and does well to describe him. Also provides yet another great snapshot of visual imagery. Just find another word for funny. My suggestion.

And you are very welcome. I will come back to read your work as long as you are here.

[JenniferMarie]

You are awesome. Thank you. I changed it he is like graffiti (or subway graffiti) , fascinating? I mean I really do find it fascinating and sometimes inspiring. I have a book about subway art. Sometimes they write things like "Once Loved" ... and to her he is fascinating, intriguing, goofy. Iiked what you said colorful.

[JenniferMarie]

P.S. if ever you would like a suggestion I'd be happy to read.

[LJW]

Come on over to my page. Suggest away. :-)

I love Graffitti too. Any art. I think motorcycles are pieces of art, along with classic cars, and guitars. And antique fans. And rusted metal. And barns. Well, pretty much everything, I guess.

[JenniferMarie]

I'm with you on that! I love art too. It's not like I study graffiti, but I will stop to look at it and see what I can make of it, but I tend to that with many other things as well as you've said guitars, barns ... :)

[LJW]

I would remove the last line completely. What you have presented before it is like a travelogue with snapshots. The last line seems an awkward finish.

She is with him in Spain....instead of introducing the love so soon, perhaps a bit of snapshot storytelling, as the rest of the stanza does so well.

.....like graffitti; straight forward, funny(?), and inspiring. Never saw graffitti that struck me as being funny. Perhaps a word like bold or colorful instead?

There are some punctuation edits I'm sure you'll pick up on by your final edit.

I have to say you are my favorite new writer here on the WC, head and shoulders above any other top writer. I love your easy, unforced use of language. Just beautiful work here.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you so much for your kind comment. I love critiques that give direction. I am struggling a bit with this. It started as a free write. I'm not liking the graffiti line either. This is the part I wanted to add dialogue just to see what happened.

It's funny because you've identified my struggles the graffiti line and the last line.

so you would remove from "You can tell she loves him" and on?

Thank you again for your nice comment!

[Samuel Dickens]

This is some very nice writing with great descriptions that conjure lovely images. To me, it seems an excerpt from a story, but what you choose to call it isn't all that important, I think.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Samuel. I wanted to put title TBD b/c I'm not sure what to call it. I thought of sliding doors, crossing paths, love actually ...

Thank you for comment it's encouraging. Yes, maybe it's a story I need to tell.

I look forward to reading your work.

[Samuel Dickens]

I struggle with titles, too. Good thing is, you can always change it.

[JenniferMarie]

Very true and I plan too soon.

[JenniferMarie]

I have to think of one first ;)

[Angi]

I want to travel like they do! This is beautiful, Jennifer. The imagery is lovely. The last two lines are so sweet. Angi~

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you. I'm really struggling with this one. I think I need dialogue. errrr sometimes what you want to say just flows and sometimes I get stumped :-/ Your review is helping me keep working on it! :) Thank you Angi.

[Angi]

You have read my work, so I am biased. With that I will say, less is sometimes more with poetry. This is formatted like a story. Is that where you want to go? I do hate it when I get stumped. I am sending you flowing vibes!!

[JenniferMarie]

Angi, do you think it would be better if I said, "she's like a flower uncurling in spring." vs. finally, she is a flower ... just wondered.

P.S. if ever you have a question I'd be happy to help. I'm not a professional writer, but I'd be happy to give insight.

best regards,
Jennifer

[Angi]

The uncurling puts an image in my head. I like 'show me ' poetry. I try to use descriptive or telling words so you can form an image in your mind's eye. I would definately keep it. Thank you for that offer of help. I may just take you up on that. I have a piece I am not sure of. Thank you! Angi~

[JenniferMarie]

Okay, thanks so much Angi! This is very helpful. Yes, anytime no problem.