The Couple

The Couple

A Poem by JenniferMarie
"

Poem that I'm working on. Your thoughts are welcomed and appreciated. I think I'm going to add some dialogue.

"

He is like the vacant mansion she’d pass as a child with its impeccable architecture and windows like night pulling at her.

She tells him that she can’t see him anymore, walking with purpose to the part of the beach that leads nowhere, but what she means is hold me and watch the evening sun let go.

 

She loves him in Spain, her flat belly against warm sand, watching sailboats, laughing with friends. He thinks of her back in London, fastening his shirt, the chill of night air through single paned windows, his mates knocking at the door. Or she is paying for iced tea out of a vending machine just before class in Salamanca and he on a plane to see his mum in South Hampton. Or she is in a sundress writing at a café in Figueres and he is driving down Old Brompton Road in traffic. 

 

They rent a white adobe villa on a rising hill in Ibiza town. Wind and sounds of night swimming through open shutters. He is like graffiti, colorful, fascinating. He loves the way she looks long and lean against white sheets the moonlight brightening on her. You can tell, she loves him, when she kisses his forehead as he sleeps, stars sprayed across the night sky behind him as she writes it all down. 






(working out the last line...) 

© 2013 JenniferMarie


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Featured Review

Really beautiful imagery and wonderful contrasts with the two countries. I noticed the word like in paragraphs 1 and 3. I was thinking that maybe you could take out the two of the likes and see how it flows. Very nice job. I would like to see the dialogue if you decide to put it in. Nicely done. Eileen

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you Eileen and thank you for the suggestions. I will try that. I like adding dialogue. I plan .. read more



Reviews

Really beautiful imagery and wonderful contrasts with the two countries. I noticed the word like in paragraphs 1 and 3. I was thinking that maybe you could take out the two of the likes and see how it flows. Very nice job. I would like to see the dialogue if you decide to put it in. Nicely done. Eileen

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you Eileen and thank you for the suggestions. I will try that. I like adding dialogue. I plan .. read more
Really thought provoking piece.
This is good to see that poems have started to transform.


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

zainul

6 Years Ago

You are always welcome.
I love dynamic writers like you who have courage to introduce new genr.. read more
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you Zainul. Yes, its fun to try new styles sometimes. I write rhyming styles too. I've always .. read more
zainul

6 Years Ago

Thanks for your great gesture.
genre bending (who needs those?), beautiful, top-notch work.. to say the least.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you A.J. It was a free write. Turned out very prose, but hey it's writing and I enjoy writing... read more
A.J.

6 Years Ago

freewrite/ stream-of-conscious, is always best to me. i love raw, not doctored up and categorized my.. read more
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

I completely agree.
yes, this is more of a short prose piece, but as Will said, it does read with poetic movement..

poemy prose i like to call it....i have written pieces something like this...

but the intensity of the love here is amazing...whether it is real or fantasy...

love was traveling in the piece and in my mind as well.

thanks for the journey.

jacob

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you Jacob. This was a quick write that needs a lot of work. I plan to see what I can mold it i.. read more
Jennifer, I read this short piece-I'm not sure if its a poem or a love story, It kept me intriged like a story yet it flowed like a poem. I could feel her emotions and thoughts. Maybe work it a little more like flash fiction. Good discriptions, blend them in just a bit more. Keep writing.
Will

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

I agree Will. This one I wasn't so sure of but posted anyways. It just kind of came out this way, bu.. read more
Will Neill

6 Years Ago

They are all our 'babies' we give birth (so to speak) and then we watch them grow. Your welcome I ho.. read more
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

So true. I just try to try new things and it doesn't always work, but I have to keep trying :)
It's close to a story, but very sweet, reminded me of going to Ibiza with my lady. It paints a picture well, but I think you could either go more vivid with the imagery and take it more on a poetry angle or jut make it a story. I enjoyed it non the less.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you. Yes, this was a quick write, but one Ive struggled with. I write stories and I enjoy writ.. read more
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LJW
No, I would just remove the line : Finally,she is a flower unfurling....

Now look at that ending snapshot in your mind's eye. Real moments carried all the way through the poem.

I would not delete the graffitti line. It works and does well to describe him. Also provides yet another great snapshot of visual imagery. Just find another word for funny. My suggestion.

And you are very welcome. I will come back to read your work as long as you are here.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

P.S. if ever you would like a suggestion I'd be happy to read.
LJW

6 Years Ago

Come on over to my page. Suggest away. :-)

I love Graffitti too. Any art. I think motor.. read more
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

I'm with you on that! I love art too. It's not like I study graffiti, but I will stop to look at it .. read more
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LJW
I would remove the last line completely. What you have presented before it is like a travelogue with snapshots. The last line seems an awkward finish.

She is with him in Spain....instead of introducing the love so soon, perhaps a bit of snapshot storytelling, as the rest of the stanza does so well.

.....like graffitti; straight forward, funny(?), and inspiring. Never saw graffitti that struck me as being funny. Perhaps a word like bold or colorful instead?

There are some punctuation edits I'm sure you'll pick up on by your final edit.

I have to say you are my favorite new writer here on the WC, head and shoulders above any other top writer. I love your easy, unforced use of language. Just beautiful work here.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your kind comment. I love critiques that give direction. I am struggling a bit.. read more
This is some very nice writing with great descriptions that conjure lovely images. To me, it seems an excerpt from a story, but what you choose to call it isn't all that important, I think.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Samuel Dickens

6 Years Ago

I struggle with titles, too. Good thing is, you can always change it.
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Very true and I plan too soon.
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

I have to think of one first ;)
I want to travel like they do! This is beautiful, Jennifer. The imagery is lovely. The last two lines are so sweet. Angi~

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Angi, do you think it would be better if I said, "she's like a flower uncurling in spring." vs. fina.. read more
Angi

6 Years Ago

The uncurling puts an image in my head. I like 'show me ' poetry. I try to use descriptive or tell.. read more
JenniferMarie

6 Years Ago

Okay, thanks so much Angi! This is very helpful. Yes, anytime no problem.

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Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on June 10, 2013
Last Updated on July 15, 2013


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