Abyss

Abyss

A Poem by Jeweliet

To feel something,

anything outside of this

abyss.

I’m sinking. Again.

I feel it twist

and turn and fall;

a crimson need

that snakes down

an arm, my arm.

My eyes fill, I battle tears

and fears of my need

for the blade

sting.

That rush of adrenaline,

this pain i work so hard for.

Relief. Release.

This is a journey

and I cannot make it

alone.

© 2010 Jeweliet


Author's Note

Jeweliet
this is me. i'm not sure about the structure of this. opinions welcome =]

My Review

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Reviews

The structure is fine. I like how you tell a story. Always strong and with purpose. No-one can do it alone. We need people to give us hope and motivation. Last lines is the truth. A excellent poem.
Coyote

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is interesting! I like it like you said "Relief and Release! lol! Nice

Posted 9 Years Ago


It reminded me of this prologue before the Twilight book for some reason.
it's a nice, little write; good enough to relate with. :) Kudos.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


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I thought this was good. I can relate because I feel like this a lot. Thanks for sharing. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


I liked the spiral and descent into chaos in this poem, sort of like Yeat's gyre with the falcon being the protagonist in this case.

With regards to structure, I think that you should leave the poem for a few weeks (so you don't feel as close to the poem anymore). Then take out your '-ing' words to make the poem more immediate and - in the process - taking out meaningless syllables.

I still enjoyed your rhythm and the ending which delivered a poetic punch!

Nice job :D

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


You could really make this so much more bold (IN YOUR FACE) if you played around with the font abit. Believe it or not but the best pieces are the ones that have a structure and form to them. When the eye moves along the pages back and forth, side to side, it gives it much more of a dramatic feel. This was deep! Gotta give it you ya- you can write! :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago


hm. you are really bringing your poems to the surface of talent.
my opinion..just a grain of salt.. what are one of the first things
someone things about when you hear or see the word "abyss".. usually darkness..
so why double state the emphasis. just little things..
if you put more thought into the truest feeling you can capture.
this poem would be completely different, i mean it could take a month
or longer to perfect..who knows? it takes me months often times, other than that
i think you are an awsome poet, and i look forward to reading future works.
send me RR please, thanks

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Years Ago



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473 Views
7 Reviews
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Added on May 27, 2010
Last Updated on September 27, 2010
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Author

Jeweliet
Jeweliet

In My Dreams, Elysium, United Kingdom



About
I love to read. I love to write. I love to feel. I'm 20. At University. Studying Medieval Literature and Latin. I'm going through a lot at the moment: I've had severe depression for the past 2.. more..

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