Lethal Attraction

Lethal Attraction

A Story by RIO

 

 Lethal Attraction

 

The silver moon cast long, sinister shadows as she paced, heels clicking loudly on the pavement, announcing her presence. Her tight black outfit shielded her against the ferocious winds that caused the trees outside to rustle relentlessly. Only her pale, bloodless cheeks remained unprotected from the biting cold. As she walked, her katana sword swayed gently by her side, waiting patiently in its sheath. Her most efficient shield, although she doubted she would need it tonight.

 

Master Shin had forbbiden her from coming here, citing ‘inexperience’ as his reason. Lilith smirked as she pictured the look of glee he would have on his face when she brought him the thing he’d spent half a lifetime seeking. Her smile widened in anticipation as she approached the two hefty pillars that framed the courtyard and stopped the ancient ceiling from falling in on itself. She, too, had unfinished business.

 

She sensed before she saw them; a life skill she’d learnt from Master Shin- master your surroundings and search for any unwanted presence. There were two hiding behind each of the pillars. A whisper of a footstep behind her. She came to a standstill, spinning elegantly to face her opponent- a thin figure dressed in black, a tight mask concealing his features with only slits for eyes, sizing her up, watching her every move. He swung a roundhouse punch. She bent backwards and felt his knuckles swish past her nose. Regaining her balance, Lilith lashed out, her fists connecting with his jaw with a loud crunch.  He staggered backwards blindly, then fell to the ground in a heap.

Lilith whirled round as two more approached, running. She lifted her right foot and aimed a fierce kick at the first guy’s crotch. He doubled over in pain, a loud “oomph” escaping his lips. She kicked out again, this time at his chin. His voice tore out of his chest as he screamed in pain and like his friend, dropped to the ground, unconscious.

A flash of silver to her left. She threw herself backwards. A knife slammed into the pillar where her head had been moments ago. The culprit just stood there, making no attempt to move towards her. Lilith could sense his fear, he’d seen what she’d done to his friends. Nevertheless, he started towards her, swinging a punch. She grabbed his forearm, turned into him and thrust her elbow at his throat. His breath was forced out of him in a whoosh before she flung him hard into the pillar. Let him suffer the same fate as his damned knife!

 

Lilith hurried on, sure that the noise must have alerted more people to her presence. She turned into a dimly lit corridor, starting for the oak door at the end. Surely, what she was seeking was there.

She stopped, startled. There was someone around. She could feel them. Their aura was like no other; like a dark cloud that threatened to swallow her. Her pale pink lips parted in awe as she stared at the inhumane creature that stood at the end of the corridor. She blinked, not quite believing her eyes. The creature was perfectly pale and the bright moonlight illuminated the green veins on its bald head.

 

Blood-drinker, Lilith immediately thought, uncertainly.

“Vampire,” she uttered as the creature drew back its lips in a smile, revealing dreadful teeth that resembled that of a wild animal. Fangs-   curved and sharp and ready to feed.

Weren’t vampires just a myth? She thought as her heart-beat quickened and her feet began acting of their own accord, moving backwards. A story created merely to scare the toughest of warriors? But here one stood. Deadly and dangerous and…incredibly ugly.

No way were her fists going to survive an encounter such as this. Nevertheless, she kept her eyes trained her newest opponent, the way Master Shin had always taught her. Look them in the eyes for the eyes never lie. Although, she doubted he ever intended she’d be looking into the blood-red eyes of a vampire during those lessons.

She inhaled sharply as memories of the ancient vampire stories came flooding back to her. There was one: vampires with eyes as red as the richest strawberry, who were considerably weaker than other kinds of vampires and fallible with…steel or iron! What were they called? Aha! “Araminthe vampires,” she whispered breathlessly. Her right hand flew to the katana sword at her hip which gave a metallic whisper as she pulled it out of its sheath.

The sword glinted in the moonlight and Lilith thought she caught a flash of fear cross the vampire’s face as she brandished her weapon. With a sudden burst of courage, she ran towards the deadly predator, swinging her sword. She blinked as her sword caught thin air, her intended victim nowhere to be seen.

She spun round on her heels, her movement light and controlled. There it was. Great, it had unnatural speed too. The creature stalked towards her, a strange, gliding movement. Lilith held its gaze, the sword firmly in her grip.

Her vision blurred. Ice cold fingers grabbed her arms, over-powering her. Her beloved sword hit the ground with a loud clink, making her heart sink. She could feel hot, misty breath on her cheek; sharp nails digging into her skin.

“Dinner…” a crackly voice snarled as its jaw parted widely, revealing gleaming white fangs. Lilith struggled to no avail, cursing herself for thinking she could fight a vampire. Master Shin was right, wasn’t he always.

The fangs were extremely close to breaking her smooth skin. Then, a shudder and a loud yelp. The creature staggered back, eyes widened in surprise.

Lilith frowned; not quite what she’d been expecting. A soft gasp escaped her lips as she felt a sharp pain at the back of her head. She turned around weakly to face her newest attacker. A fleeting look of recognition passed her face before instant darkness clouded her vision, dragging her into the very depths of the murky waters below...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© 2010 RIO


Author's Note

RIO
Another short story, this one to be continued. Please tell me what you think and for all 'fight scene' experts, how was my description? I'm experimenting and this is the first story I've ever written that contains any kind of fighting so I'm eager to know what you guys think...
To be continued, like I said before.
=D
x

*Update*: The next part is up now! It called Lethal Attraction(cont'd), please read.
Thanks!
x

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Thoughts (in order as reading)
I think in the first sentence when you say "her heels were clonking" you should say clicking (or another word of choice) clonking just sounds... strange.

NINJAS!!! :D

Nice fighting action but when she kicked the second guy in the face I'm not sure he would scream before passing out (but I'm not educated in fighting so maybe he would :/ )

"A flash of silver to her left. She threw herself backwards. A knife slammed into the pillar where her head had been moments ago" Maybe change to "had been just milliseconds ago.” Seems a little more dramatic.

“Inexperienced” ? Really? I'd hate to see their idea of experienced....

“...at her hip which gave a metallic whisper as she pulled it out of its sheath. The sword glint in the moonlight” Should be glinted

Overall I thought this was really good! Didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors :) This kind of seems like a semi-new take on vamps too, with the green veins. And I really want to know more about Lilith (its a vampire name so I automatically thought she was a vamp, but now I don't know.) I really want to know more about her and what happens, I want to know more about Master Shin too; was that vamp his enemy? Was he the one Lilith saw at the end of the story?
Very good, really want to know these things now!

Posted 9 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Ninjas and vampires. You can't loose with that! I look forward to reading what happens next...


Posted 7 Years Ago


It's intriguing, and I'm eager to know who this new attacker is.

Posted 7 Years Ago


RIO

7 Years Ago

Part two's up:)
I really like the way you described and detailed the fights, I could clearly see it in my mind ! Interesting characters and an original take on the vampires. I will read the next part for sure !!!

Posted 9 Years Ago


I was surprised by this piece. Certain elements remind me so much of my own book, (Seriously, it’s almost scary! If you read my book, Be Human, I am sure you’ll understand) I feel my enjoyment of this story was greater due to that fact. However, that doesn’t mean I am not going to point out certain errors (sorry, I just can’t let those things slide) SO, here a just a few things I wanted to bring attention to:

1. There should be a comma after ‘sinister’ in first sentence.
2. Her most efficient shield, although she doubted she would need it tonight. That’s ok, but isn’t a Katana more of a weapon or defense rather then a shield? You could say, ‘Her most affective weapon…’

3. Master Shin had forbbiden her from coming here, citing ‘inexperience’ as his reason.
Good, but even better: Master Shin had *forbidden* (notice the spelling) her to come here, citing ‘inexperience’ as his reason.

4. She sensed before she saw them; a life skill she’d learnt from Master Shin- master your surroundings and search for any unwanted presence. In this sentence you used the word ‘master’ twice, and ‘She’d learnt’ verses ‘she learned’ which is proper English.

5. Lilith whirled round as two more approached, running. That’s fine, but maybe this: Lilith whirled round as two more charged her. Also, the sentence, ’ Fangs- curved and sharp and ready to feed.’ could be better will commas; Fangs-curved, sharp, and ready to feed. Much more dramatic.


Ok, that’s enough of that. All in all, this was a fantastic story. I feel Lilith is a dynamic and interesting character, I really want to know much more about her. Also, great touch with the vampires. There are a very hot topic right now, it adds to the crowd-pleasing flavor of this piece.
The action sequences could have been better, they were good, but lacked that “wow” factor. Grab some books and martial arts movies. I recommend right off the bat, Advanced Combat Jujitsu (it’s a library book), it really helped me with my fight scene in chapter four.
I can’t wait to read more, your style is so refreshing and quite descriptive, I feel like I am there. Keep up the good work, I will keep reading!
God bless : )


Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very suspenseful and well-written. Great job with the fight scenes, you created a good image of what was happening. I can't wait to read more of it =]

Posted 9 Years Ago


I'm extremely pleased at this. Form the very first sentence I was hooked and couldn't stop reading it. Its extremely different from what I've been reading so far and I'm glad for the change. The way you wrote the fighting scenes were amazing as well. I'm not an exert at fighting scenes either, but I could picture everything so perfectly.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love the opening. its very descriptive and she seems very mysterious. Then with more mystery, you leave me wndering what she has that he wants and what in the world her "unfunished business" is. She obvioulsy had a grudge of some sort with this...Master Shin. The fight scene is absoulutly amazing. one ofe maby few that intruige me. She seems very capable and definetly someone I wouldnt want to cross. oh wow, this creature is described perfectly and the image in my mind from it is terrifying, Id have run away screaming. haha, I love the "incredibly ugly" thought of Lilith, it shows a sense of humor. The ending....what can I say other than its a fabulous cliffhanger. "The look of recognition..." does that mean she knew the attacker? oh, now i have no chioce but to read the second part. Well done indeed.

Posted 9 Years Ago


:D i like it,...

Posted 9 Years Ago


WTF that ending is mean im so glad i have more to read lol this is really good and very well written you should turn it into a proper story

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is wonderful! I can't wait too read more. The details are great, and the use of words are just out standing. I'm glad you messaged me to read it, I enjoyed it. This was a new type of reading about vampires. I like how you don't use the goregous myth of vampires, like most do. I now, will go read the cont'd one to see what happens.

Posted 9 Years Ago



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38 Reviews
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Shelved in 6 Libraries
Added on October 16, 2010
Last Updated on November 22, 2010
Tags: lilith, daryl, lethal, attraction, fight, sword, vampire, orb

Author

RIO
RIO

Abuja, FCT, Nigeria



About
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