FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS - Return of the Conchords

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS - Return of the Conchords

A Screenplay by Jody Medland
"

This is a sample episode of the hit series 'Flight of the Conchords' that I have written in order to help pitch my own TV Series, '40 Days', to HBO.

"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS

 

(A Script for the Sit-Com)

 

Created by

 

Jermaine Clement, Bret McKenzie & Rhys Darby

 

SERIES THREE, EPISODE ONE

 

‘Return of the Conchords’

 

Written by

 

Jody Medland

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

09-10-2010

 

                                Mr Jody Medland

                                21 Weymouth House

                                Hill House Mews

                                Bromley

                                Kent

                                BR2 0DD

                                United Kingdom

 

                               [email protected]

 

                                Mob: 0773 136 1264

 

 

 

WRITER’S FOREWORD

 

 

Being that I am such a fan of Flight of the Conchords, I was of course upset to hear that the chances of a third season coming to fruition were slim. I had only heard it as a rumour, but apparently Jermaine Clement and Bret McKenzie suffered a bit from the pressure of writing the second series, which marred their enjoyment in making the show.

 

It had always been my intention to write an episode of FOTC’S as a sample, and as I am now seeking to work with HBO on my own TV Series, 40 Days, I thought I would take this opportunity to do it now.

 

By doing so, I hope to show people that I am able to write characters well for existing shows so that I may win commissioners’ approval to create my own. As a secondary aim, I also hope to get this to Bret and Jermaine in the hope that it may inspire the Conchords to continue.

 

The following is the potential outline for an episode and includes everything other than songs. The reason for this is two-fold; firstly, it is not possible for a song to be perceived by any reader the same way as the writer intended it, and secondly, the magical lyrics provided by Bret and Jermaine on the show cannot be rivalled by a third party. They are the show, and therefore, it is my opinion that this finishing touch should be left with them.

 

There was so much that I wanted to add in my writing. For example, I really wanted to introduce members of Bret and/or Jermaine’s family. However, I also wanted to write a disciplined storyline that could continue from where the last series ended.

 

I sincerely hope that you enjoy my episode and would be interested in hearing your comments.

 

 

Words by

 

Jody Medland

 

 

 

 

 

 FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS

 

SERIES THREE, EPISODE ONE

‘Return of the Conchords’

Written by

Jody Medland

 

Fade in:

 

INT. FASHION STUDIO �" DAY

 

BRET sits on a CHAIR possessing an icy gaze as he stares forward judgingly. He is wearing a PURPLE SUEDE SUIT with a WHITE RUFFLED SHIRT. A WOMAN with a GERMAN accent leans in to speak into his ear.

 

GERMAN WOMAN

              Vat do you t’ink?

 

BRET

                    (Quietly hesitant)

              Umm… I’m not sure ut’s exuctly

              what we need.

 

Stood on a STAGE in front of them, is a very large, muscular bald MAN wearing tight LEATHER TROUSERS with a matching WAISTCOAT. He is bending and lunging all over the place.

 

GERMAN WOMAN

              Vat do you mean?

 

BRET

              Wull… the show’s for a secondary

              school, eh?

 

GERMAN WOMAN

              Yes…?

 

She stares at him, searching for more of a reason.

 

BRET

              And… this is kinda gay!

 

Suddenly, a LARGE SHADOW hovers over BRET. He looks up to the BALD MAN who is now towering over him with a menacing look on his face. He yells in a camp, GERMAN ACCENT.

 

BALD MAN

              Who are zou calling gay?!

 

The MAN pulls his fist back as he snarls.

 

EXT. FIELD �" DAY

 

BRET is walking into the middle of a FIELD wearing the same PURPLE SUIT, accompanied with PURPLE AVIATOR GLASSES. His CLOTHES are TORN from the tussle.

 

EXT. WOODEN HUT - DAY

 

JERMAINE, who is dressed in a long GOWN complete with a HEAD SCARF and a CANE, sits at the top of the FIELD outside of a WOODEN HUT as he watches over his SHEEP.

 

Suddenly, he spots the MAN in the PURPLE SUIT approaching and squints as he attempts to identify him.

 

JERMAINE

                    (Raised voice)

              Excuse me. Sir? Excuse me!

 

BRET

                   (Casually)

              Hey man.

 

JERMAINE squints harder.

 

JERMAINE

              Brit? Is thet you?

 

BRET

              Yea.

 

JERMAINE

              What are you doing here?

 

BRET

              I’ve come ta see you, man.

 

JERMAINE

              Oh, really? I thought you didn’t

              mux with my type any more?

 

BRET

              What?

 

JERMAIN

              I called your phone and a woman

              answered saying that you didn’t

               mux with my type any more.

 

BRET

              Who was ut?

 

JERMAINE shrugs.

 

BRET (CONT’D)

               Was ut Frieda?

 

JERMAINE

              I don’t know! She was German.

 

BRET

              Yea, that’s Frieda. She’s

              my agunt. Wull… was my agunt.

 

JERMAINE

              What d’ya mean? Have you quat?

 

BRET

              Yea, I quat.

 

JERMAINE

              Were you fired?

 

BRET

              No. I quat!

 

There is a short silence.

 

JERMAINE

              You were fired, eh?

 

BRET

              Yea.

 

JERMAINE

              What were you fired for?

 

BRET

              I cudn’t focus.

 

JERMAINE

              Focus? Why did you have to focus?

 

BRET

              It’s hard work, man. There’s a lot

              of pressure so I kept trying to

              relax by playing musuc.

 

JERMAINE’S eyes creep towards him.

 

JERMAINE

              You were playing musuc?

 

BRET

              Yea. I muss the good old days,

              man.

 

JERMAINE

              What good old days?

 

BRET

              Like when you and me were in

              New York!

 

JERMAINE

              What was gud about det?

 

BRET

              You know?

 

JERMAINE

              No.

 

BRET

              The people we met…

 

JERMAINE

              They hated us! They all thought

              we were Englush or Australian!

 

BRET

              The food…

 

JERMAINE

              We couldn’t afford to eat!

 

BRET

              The gugs…

 

JERMAINE

              We never had any gugs!

 

BRET

              We had some gugs!

 

There is another short silence.

 

BRET (CONT’D)

              We had some gugs, eh?

 

JERMAINE

              Brit… playing in empty parks

              and hotel lobbies is not a gug!

              They were terrible times! The

              fashion world has changed you.

 

BRET

              Don’t you muss ut?

 

JERMAINE

              No.

 

BRET

              You don’t muss ut?

 

JERMAINE

              No. I’ve got ma sheep, here; I’ve

              got ma watch box right behind me

              and the whole world in front of me!

 

BRET glances at the HUT behind them.

 

BRET

              M-m… it is a nice watch box.

 

JERMAINE

              Ut’s a good one, eh?

 

BRET

              Yea. Betta than the ones we use

              to have.

 

JERMAINE

              Yea. Wull… I’m a white shepherd

              now.

 

BRET

              Uzzut betta?

 

JERMAINE

              Ah, yea. Heaps!

 

BRET

              So you don’t wanna go beck to

              playing musuc?

 

JERMAINE

              Na.

 

BRET

              Why?

 

JERMAINE

              I gotta girlfriend.

 

BRET

              Yeah?

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah. I thunk she’s the one.

 

BRET

              Really? You said that about Sally.

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah…

 

BRET

              And all the others.

 

JERMAINE

               Wull… thus is the final one.

 

BRET

              Ah. Wull… is she anything like Sally?

 

JERMAINE

              No.

                   (Beat)

              I mean, she is called Sally,

              but other than that, she’s

              completely dufferunt.

 

EXT. FIELD �" DAY

 

JERMAINE is riding across the FIELD in his TRACTOR. BRET has climbed onto the back and is stood right behind him. There is a moment of silence before he speaks.

 

BRET

              Uf Sally was definitely the one,

              then how can this Sally now be

              the one if she’s so dufferunt?

 

There is an awkward silence.

 

JERMAINE

              Can you get off my trecta, Brit?

 

EXT. FIELD �" DAY

 

JERMAINE is stood under the darkening sky mouthing silent numbers as he attempts to count his SHEEP. BRET stands in silence as he observes him. Suddenly, JERMAINE slumps his shoulders as he rolls his eyes.

 

JERMAINE

              Do you mind not watching me? It’s

              very districting!

 

BRET

              Really? I’m not talkung.

 

JERMAINE

              But I can feel your eyes. It’s most                  irritatung!

 

BRET

              Ah, sorry!

 

He turns his back to JERMAINE, who begins to count again.

 

BRET

              Will you come for a drunk with

              me? You know… once you’ve funushed?

 

JERMAINE closes his eyes and exhales heavily, agitated by the latest disturbance.

 

JERMAINE

              Why d’ya wanna go for a drunk?

              We never go for a drunk?

 

BRET

              I know… but, it’s just thet I’ve

              booked us a gug so I wanna talk

              about ut.

 

JERMAINE

              What d’ya mean, you’ve booked us

              a gug? We haven’t been an us for

              ages!

 

BRET

              Ut’s been sux weeks!

 

JERMAINE

              Thet’s a lifetime… and ya can’t just

              book a gug without me knowung about

              ut!

 

BRET

              Come on! What d’ya say? Let’s brung

              beck ‘Flight of the Conchords’!

 

JERMAINE considers it for a moment.

 

JERMAINE

              Wull when us thus gug?

 

BRET looks at his WATCH.

 

BRET

              Ut’s un three hours.

 

JERMAINE

              Three hours! Wull, what uf I

              said “no”?!

 

BRET

              Then I’ll play ut anyway. Ut just

              wont be as gud.

 

JERMAINE

              Not as gud? Ut’ll be awful!

 

BRET thinks for a moment.

 

BRET

              It wull be afwul, eh?

 

JERMAINE

              Yeees! Nobody evun likes our music

              when ut’s complete. Uf ut wasn’t

              complete, ut’d be… incomplete,

              which is worse!

 

BRET

              Yea. I need ya, man. What d’ya

              say?

 

JERMAINE

              I wull come for a drunk, but only

              uf you cancel the gug.

 

BRET

              Why do I need to cancel the gug?

 

JERMAINE

              Wull… I need to practuce. We cen

              discuss ut, thet’s all!

 

INT. PUB HALLWAY �" NIGHT

 

OLD, RUSTIC WALLPAPER with the legend reading:-

 

     ‘Three Hours Later’

 

INT. PUB SEATING AREA �" NIGHT

 

BRET and JERMAINE sit at a TABLE in a small, intimate BAR. The room is dimly lit and the atmosphere is pleasant as a local BAND finish one of their songs at an open-mic night.

 

LEAD SINGER

              Thank you!

 

The audience applauds as an MC walks up onto the STAGE. BRET pulls TWO GUITARS out from under the TABLE. JERMAINE is oblivious to this.

 

JERMAINE

              Brit, when d’ya wanna talk

              about our gug?

 

He looks back and double-takes as BRET opens the case to his INSTRUMENT.

 

JERMAINE (CONT’D)

              What’s thet?

 

BRET

              It’s my guitaa!

 

JERMAINE

              I know it’s your guitaa! What’s

              it doing here? And how dud you get

              it here without me seeing ut? And

              how dud you get my guitaa?! I’ve

              been looking for thet!

 

BRET

              I borrowed ut.

 

JERMAINE

              You mean you stole ut? Borrowed

              is when you ask and the owner

              knows where ut’s gone.

 

BRET

              Wull… you’ve got ut now.

 

JERMAINE

              That doesn’t make ut… wait…

              have you trucked me?

 

BRET

              What? No. What gives you thet idea?

 

The MC announces the next band, reading it from a CARD.

 

MC

              And next on the stage, please

              welcome our very own ‘Flight

              of the… Tudors’!

 

There is a shallow applause. JERMAINE scowls at BRET, who hands him his GUITAR.

 

JERMAINE

              You betrayed me!

 

BRET

              No, I dudn’t. I just told a lie

              to get you to come here.

 

JERMAINE

              Yea, that’s betrayal!

 

BRET

              Usut?

 

JERMAINE

              Yeees!

 

BRET

              Ah! Sorry man.

 

MC

                   (Searchingly)

              ‘Flight of the Tudors’. Are

              you still with us?

 

BRET raises his hand.

 

BRET

              Over here!

 

JERMAINE scowls at him again.

 

JERMAINE

              Brit!

 

BRET shrugs.

 

BRET

              Wull… it’s too late now, man.

 

JERMAINE closes his eyes and exhales, deeply exasperated.

 

EXT. PUB - NIGHT

 

The surrounding atmosphere of the dimly lit PUB is calm. We hear the song The Humans Are Dead coming from inside. It ends to the sound of CHEERS.

 

INT. PUB SEATING AREA �" NIGHT

 

Inside the PUB, the CROWDS are CLAPPING and WHISTLING loudly.

 

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

 

The reaction surprises them as they take it in. JERMAINE leans away from the MIC and whispers to BRET.

 

JERMAINE

              What’s heppening? They like us!

 

BRET

              Yea. Good, eh?

 

JERMAINE

              M-m… maybe we dudn’t need to leave

              here to make ut?!

 

BRET

              Wull… I wouldn’t say we’ve made ut!

 

JERMAINE

              Brit, I’ve got a new song.

 

BRET

              What’s ut about?

 

JERMAINE

              Just follow my lead.

 

BRET

                    (Nervously)

              Jermaine, are you sure we

              shouldn’t practuce?

 

JERMAINE

              Ordinarily, yeees… but for some

              reasun, I think we should just

              go with ut!

 

BRET shrugs.

 

BRET

              Okay, man.

 

INT. PUB HALLWAY �" NIGHT

 

OLD, RUSTIC WALLPAPER with the legend reading:-

 

     ‘Three Minutes Later’

 

We hear JERMAINE wailing over what seems like a poorly played experimental guitar solo.

 

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

 

BRET is glancing over at his colleague, trying to play notes that redeem their efforts. However, JERMAINE has gone off on a mad tangent and finally strums the final chord, looking out at the audience with passion.

 

BRET’S efforts have failed.

 

INT. SEATING AREA - NIGHT

 

The audience is sat open mouthed, wearing frowns and shaking their heads. Only one MAN at the back of the room claps, “woo-hooing” as he does so.

 

INT. BAR �" NIGHT

 

BRET and JERMAINE walk up to the BAR, nodding in acknowledgement at the punters around them. However, everybody shuns them. The BARMAN approaches.

 

BARMAN

                   (Abruptly)

              Yea?

 

BRET

              Umm… wata, please.

 

JERMAINE

              Two wata’s.

 

BRET

               Two wata’s.

 

The BARMAN looks at them like they are complete losers.

 

BARMAN

              Fine… whatever!

 

He shakes his head, disapprovingly, before walking away.

 

Suddenly, a familiar voice finds them. It’s MURRAY.

 

MURRAY

                   (Enthusiastically)

              Whoa! Hold the press! Look whose

               beck, huh? The Conchords!

 

BRET

                    (Surprised)

              Murray?

 

JERMAINE

              What are you doing here?

 

MURRAY

              What d’ya thunk? I’m here to look

              afta you two Turkeys!

 

BRET

              Look afta us?

 

MURRAY

               Yea. I’ve quat me job and I’ve

              got us a new plan!

 

BRET

              You’ve quat ya job?

 

MURRAY

              Yeees.

 

BRET

              For us?

 

MURRAY

                   (Hesitates)

              Wull… I’ve quat… but we don’t

              need to go unto thet.

 

JERMAINE

                   (Suspiciously)

              You were fired, eh?

 

MURRAY

              Yea. I was.

 

An awkward silence ensues, before MURRAY looks back at them.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

                   (Upbeat)

              But that doesn’t change the fect

              I’m beck, dussut?

 

JERMAINE

              Thus feels like a truck.

 

MURRAY

              How can you say thet? When huve

              I ever trucked you, Jermaine?

 

JERMAINE

              You’ve trucked us hundreds of times!

 

MURRAY

              Like when? I’m insulted! D’ya

              wanna hurt ma feelungs, Jermaine?

              Coz that’s what you’ve done!

 

BRET

              No. He duzn’t.

 

MURRAY

              Too late now. I’ve come all thus

              way to let you know where I planned

              to take you, but now I don’t feel

               like ut!

 

BRET

              Not New York?

 

MURRAY

              No. Your visa’s expired Brit,

              dudn’t they?

 

JERMAINE

              Yea, because you overlooked ut!

 

MURRAY

              Yeah, wull… I do feel bad about

              thet. Thet’s why I’m beck though,

              usn’t ut? With new visa’s!

 

JERMAINE

                    (Pessimistically)

              Ah, not Australia?

 

MURRAY

              Noooo!

 

There is a silence as they think hard. Excited, MURRAY looks back over to them wearing a mischievous grin as he leans in.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              You wanna know eh?

 

BRET

              Yeah.

 

He looks to JERMAINE.

 

MURRAY

              You wanna know?

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah.

 

MURRAY

              Right! Wull… the surprise is a

              little ruined now you’ve tainted

              ut wuth a painful accusation, but

              here ut us anyway…

                   (Smiling)

              Englund!

 

JERMAINE

                   (Excitedly)

               Englund?

 

MURRAY

              Yea. Londun!

 

JERMAINE

               Londun, Englund?

 

MURRAY

               Yeeees!

 

BRET

              But, Jermaine’s gotta girlfriend.

 

MURRAY

              Do you?

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah. Wull… no. I was just lying

              cuz I didn’t wanna play thus gug!

 

BRET

                   (Offended)

              Why would you lie ta me, man?

 

JERMAINE shrugs.

 

MURRAY

              Who cares? Doesn’t matta.

 

BRET

              Ut does! Und uf ya made her up,

              why’d ya call her Sally? Why dudn’t

               ya give her anutha name?

 

JERMAINE

              I penucked!

 

MURRAY

              Guys! Thus is gud! Don’t you see?

              Ut means there’s nothing to stop

              us goung! Us there?

 

Short silence as he monitors them.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Us there?

 

BRET

                   (Casually)

               No.

 

JERMAINE

                   (Shrugs)

               Guess not.

 

MURRAY

                    (Excitedly)

              Great! We leave un the morning!

 

EXT. CAR PARK �" DAY

 

MURRAY approaches his RENTAL CAR, carrying a large BROWN, PAPER BAG. He opens the DRIVER’S DOOR and ducks down inside. BRET is sat in the passenger seat with JERMAINE in the back. He passes the BAG to JERMAINE.

 

MURRAY

              Right, here are your supplies.

 

INT. CAR - DAY

 

JERMAINE immediately starts to fumble through them.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Now, I don’t wanna hear any more                     complaints. Seriously, everything

              you two do seems to cost me money!

 

BRET glances over his shoulder.

 

BRET

              What’s un there, man?

 

JERMAINE pinches the top of the BAG shut, protectively.

 

JERMAINE

              Ah… I think we should save ut!

 

BRET

              Okay.

 

BRET looks back over to MURRAY as he starts up the engine. JERMAINE subtly begins to nibble on some FOOD.

 

MURRAY begins to reverse, slowly, as he glances around at his MIRRORS, struggling to see out the back. He looks over to BRET.

 

MURRAY

              Alright?

 

BRET

              Yep.

 

Suddenly, MURRAY reverses fast. A THUD can be heard as a CYCLIST falls off of his BIKE and screams in pain. JERMAINE angles for a better view out of the back window.

 

MURRAY looks over to BRET, nervous but angry.

 

MURRAY

                   (Panicked)

              I thought you said ut was alright?

 

BRET

              Oh! I thought you were asking uf

              I was alright!

 

MURRAY

                   (Agitated)

              Why would I ask uf you were

              alright, Brit?

 

BRET shrugs and sulks. JERMAINE leans forward.

 

JERMAINE

              Shall we maybe go and see uf

              he’s alright?

 

INT. AIRPORT �" DAY

 

BRET, MURRAY and JERMAINE are stood on a CONVEYER BELT with their entire LUGGAGE at hand.

 

JERMAINE

              Where’s our first gug, Murray?

 

MURRAY

              It’s here, obviously!

 

BRET glares at him.

 

BRET

              Un the airport?

 

MURRAY

              Yeees!

 

BRETT rolls his eyes. JERMAINE huffs. MURRAY smirks.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Only joking!

 

JERMAINE

              What?

 

BRET

              Thet was a joke?

 

MURRAY

              Yeees!

 

JERMAINE

              Don’t joke, Murray!

 

MURRAY

              Ah, come on! Lighten up, fellas!

              Ya don’t see me moping around, do

              you? And I’ve probably got more

              reason to than you, but we’re on

              an adventure!

 

INT. AIRPORT WAITING AREA �" DAY

 

Hours later, BRET leans on MURRAY as he sleeps and JERMAINE looks zombified with boredom as they wait for their flight.

             

JERMAINE

              Murray, what does your wife

              thunk about all thus?

 

MURRAY

              Thus us ut, usn’t ut?

 

JERMAINE

              What’s ut?

 

MURRAY

              We’re men, Jermaine. We don’t

              need to lusten to women. We do

              what we want, when we want,

              don’t we?

 

BRET

                   (Knowingly)

              She threw you out again, dudn’t

              she?

 

MURRAY

              I thought you were asleep?!

 

BRET

              I was pretendung to be.

 

MURRAY

              Oh! You were pretendung to be

              asleep?

 

BRET

              Yea.

 

MURRAY

              Why?

 

BRET

              I was bored.

 

MURRAY

              We’re all bored! But ya don’t

              pretend ta be asleep!

 

BRET

              Don’t you?

 

MURRAY

              No!

 

BRET

              Why not?

 

MURRAY

              Wull… you’ll frighten the life out

              of somebody. How about thet?!

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah, but… beck to what we were

              talking about before.

 

MURRAY

              What was thet?

 

BRET

              Your wife.

 

MURRAY

                   (Dismissively)

              Ah, wull… we don’t need to talk

              about thet!

 

JERMAINE

              Wull, I’m just worried thet

              you’re dragging us along on

              some sorta safari because

               you’re lonely!

 

MURRAY

              Oh, I see. Like that, usut?

 

JERMAINE

              I dudn’t mean…

 

MURRAY

              Nope! You’ve said it now.

 

BRET

              I thunk Jermaine was just trying

              to say that we’re giving up a lot

              to go to Englund and he’s worried

              there’s no real plan, like un

              New York.

 

JERMAINE

              Yea, thet!

 

MURRAY

              There was too a plan in New York!

 

BRET

              Ut wusn’t a gud plan.

 

JERMAINE

              Yeah. The plan would have to be

              betta then thet!

 

MURRAY

              Listen to the two of you! I’ve

              never heard such ungrateful

              whining! In fect…

 

He begins to aggressively rustle around in his BAG, pulling out a YELLOW NOTEPAD.

 

JERMAINE

              Oh no…

 

MURRAY

              Yep. Band Meetung!

 

BRET

              Murray… do we have ta do thus?

 

MURRAY

              Murray… presunt. Brit? Brit?!

 

BRET

                   (Reluctantly)

              Presunt.

 

MURRAY

              And Jermaine?

 

JERMAINE

              Presunt.

 

MURRAY

              Right. Item one. Attitude! There’s

              a new rule, and it’s thet, as your

              manager, I won’t tolerate your

              beckchet any more. And I might

               remind you both thet what you’re

              “guvung up” in New Zealand usn’t

              all thet great!

 

There is a short silence as MURRAY stares at them briefly before beginning to pack his NOTEPAD away.

 

JERMAINE

              Okay. I’ve a point I’d like to

              brung up in the meetung…

 

MURRAY

              Nuh… too late. The meetung’s over!

 

BRET

              Thet was the meetung?

 

MURRAY

              Yes.

 

JERMAINE

              Ut’s over?

 

MURRAY

              Yeees!

 

JERMAINE

              But we’ve still got two hours

              til our flight!

 

MURRAY

              I don’t care! Next time, brung

              your points up during the meetung

              and we wont have this debacle!

 

There is a short silence.

 

BRET

              Hey Murray, do we get Per Diems

              like last time?

 

MURRAY

              Ah, yea. Good one! I think we all

              need to learn our lessons, and the

              less freedom I give you two, the

              betta!

 

JERMAINE

              You can’t make us work for you

              in a foreign country and take

              away our freedom. Thet’s

              prostitution!

 

MURRAY

              What? Ut’s not!

 

BRET

              Wull… ut’s slavery.

 

JERMAINE

              You’re like our pimp!

 

MURRAY

              What dud I say about beckchet?!

 

Another short silence.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Thet’s betta!

 

BRET

              It’s alright, Jermaine. We’ve got

              two hours to talk to Murray about

              what went wrong wuth his wife, eh?

 

MURRAY’S eyes burn at him. JERMAINE raises a mischievous eyebrow.

 

JERMAINE

              Ah! We have, too!

 

MURRAY leans forward and pulls out his WALLET. Angrily, he flicks through his MONEY.

 

MURRAY

              Here’s fufty each!

 

BRET

              Thenks, Murray.

 

JERMAINE

              Yea, thenks!

 

MURRAY

              I’ve no idea when you both became

              so manipulatuve!

 

JERMAINE

              It was probably when we became

              your slaves.

 

MURRAY

              Yeah, good one. Just go!

 

Without any hesitation, they go. MURRAY shakes his head in disbelief before glancing over to a DUTY FREE SHOP on the ground floor.

 

INT. DUTY FREE SHOP �" DAY

 

In the SHOP, MURRAY is trying on a wide range of SUNGLASSES. As he pulls a series of poses, he notices a WOMAN looking at him. He smiles bashfully before breaking eye contact. To his surprise, she smiles back.

 

Subtly, he watches her as she resumes her duties. He takes a deep breath and walks over to her.

 

MURRAY

              I’m sorry about the poses.

 

It takes a moment before she realizes that he is talking to her.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Glasses don’t really suit me!

 

WOMAN

              Oh! I think they do.

 

MURRAY

              Ah! Really? Which ones?

 

She walks over to him. He looks a little tense as she passes, but she smiles and nods towards the SUNGLASSES, enticing him to follow.

 

She studies the ROTATING STAND as he watches her, sidetracked by her beauty.

 

WOMAN

              Well, let’s see. I liked you

              in these ones.

 

She hands him a PAIR as she continues to scan the selection.

 

WOMAN (CONT’D)

              And these ones.

 

MURRAY

              Ah, really?

 

He tries them on again and looks at her. She nods and he smiles again.

 

MURRAY (CON’T)

              Okay. Thet’s good enough for me…

 

He leans in to read her NAME TAG.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              … Zoe! I’ll take them. You’re

              sure they look gud?

 

ZOE

              Yeah! Of course, I do work on

              commission.

 

He studies her, looking uncertain of her comment.

 

ZOE (CONT’D)

              I’m kuddung!

 

MURRAY

              Uh… yeah. Good one!

 

They share a chuckle as she leads him slowly back towards the COUNTER AREA.

 

ZOE

              So, you’re a band manager?

 

MURRAY

              Yeah. How’d ya know thet?

 

ZOE

              Your tag.

 

She points down to a self-made NAME TAG on his SUIT JACKET, reading ‘MURRAY HEWITT �" BAND MANAGER’.

 

MURRAY

              Ah! Yes. We’re going on tour.

 

ZOE

                   (Impressed)

              On tour?! Where?

 

She walks back to the COUNTER as he follows.

 

MURRAY

              To Englund.

 

ZOE

              Wow! When are you beck?

 

MURRAY

              Umm… we’re not sure.

 

ZOE

                   (Suggestively)

              I hope it’s soon.

 

He judges her as she runs her fingers over the CASH REGISTER.

 

ZOE

              Thet’s seventy-nine dollars,

              please.

 

MURRAY

              Oh! Right…

 

Suddenly, MURRAY’S PHONE begins to RING. He picks it out of his pocket before looking at the SCREEN. It reads:- ‘SHELLEY’.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              Ah, hang on. I’ve gotta take

              thus!

 

ZOE

              No worries!

 

MURRAY steps away from the COUNTER, turning his back as he answers.

 

MURRAY

              Hullo? Yeees. I’m not there. Yes,

              I left. You told me to “jump off an

              ‘effing cliff!”. No. I’m in New Zealand

              now! What? You want me beck?

 

              Look Shell… you can’t just flup like

              a swutch the minute you don’t get your

              own way! I’m sorry, I can’t…

                   (Distracted)

              Wull… yes, I did like it when you

              dud thet, but �" look… no!

 

He looks out into the main WAITING AREA, where BRET and JERMAINE have started playing their GUITARS to the other PASSENGERS. The sight brings a smile to MURRAY’S face.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

              You wanna know what I’m doing? I’m

              heading over to London with a little

              band called ‘Flight of the Conchords’!

             

              Yeah, wull the money in the check-in

              fund was all mine, wusn’t ut? Find

              your own money… ya butch!

 

He slams the PHONE shut and smiles broadly; riding high on the wave of confidence as he watches them play. However, a LARGE SECURITY GUARD approaches them and a dispute soon leads to the GUARD man handling the MEN.

 

MURRAY’S smile fades.

 

ZOE

              Girlfriend trouble?

 

MURRAY

                   (Distracted)

              Eh? Ah… yeah. Something like thet!

 

ZOE

              Oh! Impossible to tame, eh?

 

MURRAY

              Yea. Wull… no. Not at all,

              actually.

 

ZOE

              Even betta! A man who likes to

              take care of a womun.

 

MURRAY

              Wull… yeah. I do try to do thet!

 

ZOE

              You’re so adorable. Listun, I’m

              not supposed to do thus, but

              here’s ma numba.

 

She begins to write it on the back of a PIECE of PAPER.

 

ZOE (CONT’D)

              Guve me a call when you’re beck!

 

She hands over the PAPER and he accepts it. They exchange warm smiles.

 

INT. AIRPLANE �" DAY

 

MURRAY is sat in the middle of BRET and JERMAINE, beaming as they both look glum.

 

JERMAINE

              I don’t thunk ut was necessary

              to confiscate our guitaa’s.

 

MURRAY

              Wull… you shouldn’t have been

              playing in the lobby, Jermaine.

              You know you’re not allowed to

              do thet!

 

BRET

              No, we dudn’t.

 

MURRAY

              Wull… now you do, eh?

 

They don’t respond.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

                   (Encouragingly)

              Eh?

 

They both groan, frustrated.

 

BRET & JERMAINE

              Yeees.

 

MURRAY

              You’ll get thum beck when we

              land, anyway. Look at the posutuves!

 

BRET

              What posutuves?

 

MURRAY

              The sun’s shining… usn’t ut? People

              are smiling! We’re going to Englund

              on tour… eh? London, Englund. There’s

              a golden twinge to everything, usn’t                 there?

 

BRET

              You mean ‘tinge’?

 

MURRAY

              Yeah, whateva!

 

JERMAINE studies him.

 

JERMAINE

                   (Suspiciously)

              Why are you so heppy?

 

MURRAY

              Why wouldn’t I be?

 

BRET

              Are you on drugs?

 

MURRAY

              Nooo! Ut’s for all the reasons I

              just said there, usn’t ut? For all

              of the above!

 

JERMAINE

              Usut creck?

 

MURRAY

                   (Yelling)

              I’m not on creck, Jermaine!

 

The large, angry looking SECURITY GUARD reappears, hovering over them as they look up, anxiously.

 

MURRAY (CONT’D)

                   (Casually)

              Alright?

 

SECURITY

              Did you just say “Crack”?

 

MURRAY

              Nuh. I said I’ve got a bed beck.

 

SECURITY

              I don’t believe you!

 

JERMAINE

              We’re sorry. He’s got turrets.

 

BRET

              I don’t have effin’ turrets!

 

JERMAINE

              See?

 

The GUARD snarls at them, eyeballing both BRET and JERMAINE.

 

SECURITY

              You again?!

 

JERMAINE

              Hey!

 

BRET

              Hey!

 

SECURITY

                   (Menacingly)

              I’m watching you!

 

He stares at them hard before walking away.

 

JERMAINE

              So, where are we actually goung?

 

MURRAY

              What d’ya mean?

 

JERMAINE

              In London, where are our gugs?

 

MURRAY

              Wull… we haven’t actually got

              anything booked for London yet!

 

JERMAINE

              Uh, no…

 

MURRAY

              Whoa! Our first gug is in Shepshed,

              in Shropshire.

 

BRET shakes his head.

 

BRET

              Thus us New York all over again!

 

MURRAY

              No! I’ve done my research thus

              time! I typed ut all unto the

              google machine.

 

BRET

              I don’t have any faith in thus!

 

MURRAY

              Wull… thet’s why I’m your manager,

              usn’t ut?

 

BRET shrugs as JERMAINE pouts.

 

Suddenly, another familiar voice can be heard from further down the PLANE.

 

FEMALE VOICE

                    (Excitedly)

              Hey guys!

 

They all look, narrowing their eyes.

 

BRET

              Us thet Mel?

 

JERMAINE

              No! Really?

 

Further down the PLANE, MEL is waving and smiling at them as DOUG struggles with all of their carry-on LUGGAGE.

 

JERMAINE

              Ut us Mel, eh?

 

MURRAY

              Yeah. She asked uf I’d mind uf

              she followed us ta Englund. I

              said no. Didn’t thunk she’d

              actually do ut!

 

BRET

              Wull, you know she’s crazy!

 

MURRAY

              Wull, I do now!

 

JERMAINE

              You should’ve anyway!

 

MURRAY

              Look! Guys! I dudn’t come here to

              be attacked! Anyway, ut’s good!

              Ut means our Englush fan-base has

              already started!

 

BRET

              So, we’re stull on one?!

 

MURRAY

              Not stull… already! We’re already

              on one. You need to flup ut. Make

              ut more posutuve!

 

JERMAINE moans once more as BRET casually places the earphones to his I-POD in his ears. MURRAY forces a smile before leaning back in his chair, looking forward to the journey. JERMAINE shakes his head.

 

JERMAINE

                   (Mockingly sighing)

              Sheepshed!

 

 

 

Fade out:

 

Roll credits:

 

 

THE END

 

© 2011 Jody Medland


Author's Note

Jody Medland
Please let me know how enthusiatstic you would be about seeing this episode get made as part of a potential 3rd series!

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Added on April 19, 2010
Last Updated on January 9, 2011
Tags: Comedy, Flight, Conchords, Jody, Medland

Author

Jody Medland
Jody Medland

London, South East, United Kingdom



About
I have written prolifically now for little over ten years, but always saw myself as more of a filmmaker than anything else. However, the last eighteen months has seen the creation of my first three.. more..

Writing