War

This is an edited poem I wrote in eigth grade for my English class.

WAR

War is all around us

People screem and shout

People are dying

Dead bodies all about

The Orcs have come upon us

Taking human lives

Their king Obould

Killing all that come across his eyes

Then the Elven queen comes to us

To save us in our time of need

In her flaming flying chariot

She throws magics that make them bleed

The day has come upon us

The Orcs our running home

Their king was killed by lightning

Their comrades turned to stone

Hope is given to us

As our enemies run away

We have bright smiles on our faces

For we have won the day

Reviews

[Rainbow Rider]

Nice piece of work for the time you wrote it. But I did notice a little oops in there.

"In her her flaming flying chariot" Me thinks you got one to many 'her' in there. Nothing a quick edit can't fix.

You should give some thought to writting some poetry to place into your book, like as a heading to each chapter. You could write a short prose that would go along with the story for the chapter. Just a thought, because if you could write like this in eighth grade, I'm guessing with a wee bit of effort you could do greater writtings now, cause it is in you.

[Anatar]

If you get anything harsh: yes eighth grade poetry (all of it) sucks, but this is competent. Its heavy with generic fantasy reference, has an error, and makes a spectacle of itself, true enough. But the mechanics and vocabulary are not redundant and have a gritty but seamless flow. Nice piece, gimmie some new stuff to see.

[gravitylava]

I like this a lot, and it is written very well for being only in eighth grade at the time. Nice work!

[Legion]

I think you would enjoy a song by Queen called "The Ogre Battle". Something similiar (somewhat). Actually that whole album (Queen II) is excellent. Anyway, not bad for eighth grade. I think given some time, you could rewrite this into a great epic piece. Kudos.