C-man part 4

The story follows average college student Sergei and his adorably insane roomate Carl around on a series of lovable antics. This is the fourth episode of a series.

Jesus sees the phone is ringing and picks it up

Jesus: Hello this is Jesus Christ speaking

Straight up super Mario: pause R… Really?

Jesus: Super Mario? Star of super Mario teaches typing and super Mario dance dance revolution?

Mario: Y-yes. A-yes! Yes-It’s a me, A-Mario!

Jesus (a little bit excited but still chill): Wow I’ve always wanted to meet you this is so exciting. What are you calling about?

Mario: Well, I a-recently got a-recruited to work at a-one of the fastest-a growing financial companies in a-the world and I a-wanted to offer you a position.

Jesus: Wait are you trying to recruit me to a pyramid scheme?

Mario: I mean if I a-say no, would you-a believe me?

Jesus: Um… Probably?

Mario: …

Jesus: …

Mario: I mean, I’m-a not going to a-deny it.

Theme song

Carl, Sergei, Jesus, Shäd, and a new girl who looks about 17 all awaken tied up and gagged in Carl and Sergei’s living room. I is seated on the new girls’s shoulder, and rubs his head against her cheek. Dr. Smitehrbutt enters the room after they all struggle against their bonds for a minute or so, except for Carl who seems comfortable

Dr. Smitherbutt: So, today you’re all finally scheduled to go on your tour of the league of superheroes corporate headquarters.

Carl (Now untied and ungagged, to Shäd, who is still tied up and gagged): Hey, you didn’t tell me that you guys had a building

Shäd struggles with his restraints for a brief moment, then suddenly disappears in a flash of light before coming back in through the door

Shäd: That’s because every time someone brought up telling you about it, the building mysteriously caught on fire. But now Dr. Smitherbutt decided to just go ahead with it, and no one really knows how to make him change his behavior in any way as he’s kind of like a god that took way too much LSD, so we just all had to go along with it.

Dr. Smitherbutt: What do you mean kind of like

Carl: Jogothy, Siiiit

Dr. Smitherbutt sits down on the floor but growls at Carl like a dog

Carl: Oh, I guess we should probably untie Sergei. He gets really uncomfortable in these types of situations also he’s gay

Shäd (To Sergei): I get it man

Carl takes out Sergei’s gag

Sergei: (To Carl) you can go f**k yourself, (To Dr. Smitherbutt) you can definitely go f**k yourself, and (To Shäd) Sorry, Carl likes to just do and say whatever he wants. You kind of already took the god metaphor, but I’m not gay

Shäd: it’s okay just give it some time

New girl (also free from her bonds, as is Jesus): that’s a bit worrying

Everyone stares at her for a few seconds

Carl (unacceptingly): Who the f**k are you?

New girl: I’m Sila?

Dr. Smitherbutt: But why are you here?

Carl: Yeah, which one of us invited you over for sex?

Sila: What the f**k? None of that! Mr. Shäd said I should come here for my tour of the building where I have my internship

Shäd: Oooooh that was you I texted. Yeah sorry I meant to text that to Adolf

Sila: So I shouldn’t be here?

Sergei (kind of in the background): Your friend’s parents named him Adolf?

Carl: no, but why leave now when there’s free donuts .

I am aware that it should be “there are free donuts.” Carl is not

Sila (hesitantly): Oh. Okay I guess.

Carl does not give Sila a doughnut

Sila (after a moment of waiting expectantly for Carl to give her a doughnut): Can I have one?

Carl: No they’re mine

Sergei: Yes, you can have one.

Carl: Nyooo I want them

Sergei: Carl, siiiiiit

Carl drops the donuts and sits on the floor

Sila picks up a boston cream donut and takes a bite

Sila: Hey this cream tastes funny

Sergei (in his usual disappointed tone): Wow wait to go for the low hanging fruit there Carl

Carl: Aha so you figured it out. I filled the boston cream donuts with rasp-berry filling!

Long-ish pause

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh I expected-

Carl: And semen

Sergei: There it is

Sila: You’re not serious are you?

Carl: Hey another one

Carl gets up, walks over to a whiteboard labeled “questions people have asked Carl that they really don’t want the answer to” with four tally marks under that, and adds a fifth one

Carl: I like adding the fifth tally mark

Dr. Smitherbutt: Who’s Mark

Sergei (dejectedly): It’s one of my four middle names

Jesus: It’s okay buddy, none of us have normal names

Carl: I do

Shäd: My name is normal where I come from

Sila: My parents told me my name was normal

Dr. Smitherbutt: honestly, Jesus isn’t really that weird of a name either

Sergei: Didn’t you guys have a tour to go on?

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh yeah

Carl: To the van! By the way Sergei I bought a van

Sergei: Wait, where did you get the money for a van

Carl: Don’t worry about it

Sergei: I’m already very worried about it

Sila: I’m sorry I feel like I came at a weird time, I’m gonna go. I can reschedule if that’s alright with you Mr. Shäd

Shäd: Drops his german accent just for this line, which will be dubbed over by a very black sounding man B***h you ain’t goin nowhere you in this for the long haul now

Sila: This can’t be how your days normally go

Sergei: God I wish I were you

In the back of the van. I is driving, but this will not be shown in shot

Full minute of silence

Carl: I think I have Stomach cancer

Sila: Raises up a bit and begins to speak

Sergei (softly to Sila): Don’t

7-10 seconds more of complete silence, cut

The characters are standing outside the van. As the scene progresses they walk towards the building, seeing a few other cars in the parking lot

Dr. Smitherbutt: Miss Ver let me introduce you to our wonderful building

Shäd: It’s not

Zoom out just a bit to show the part of the building which has a white van with the words “Carl’s van” spray painted in black on the side crashed through one of the walls, basically right next to them.

Carl: Yeah I just crashed the car. I probably shouldn’t have even been driving. He’s not a very good driver

I the bird flutters up onto the van

Sila: Shouldn’t we go in to talk to someone about crashing into their building?

Shäd: Um. I don’t see any reason to

Jesus: Yeah I’m pretty much good to just call this a hit and run

Carl: Hey do you guys wanna go get Panera

Sergei: You eat at Panera?

Carl: I’m trying to eat healthier. Y’know maybe lose some weight.

Sila: We can’t just not take responsibility for this

Jesus: Sure we can; destroying other people’s property and then never dealing with the repercussions is like our whole thing. We’re superheroes.

Sergei: I mean, It’ll probably be fine. I hate this s**t as much as you do but they do usually manage to somehow avoid having to deal with the consequences of their actions

Carl: Superheroes get legal immunity. Jogothy told me

Shäd: Oh yeah, that’s not happening anymore

Carl and Jesus (like upset children): Whaaaaaat, why?

Shäd: I couldn’t find the form to submit to the government on the day I was supposed to turn it in so they said we’d have to wait another month for it to go through

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh yeah. Sorry about that; I shredded it

Shäd: Was there any particular reason you did this?

Dr. Smitherbutt: I couldn’t figure out how the shredder works. I needed to see it in action

Sergei (unable to mentally process jogothy’s inability): It… has blades… that cut through the paper… It’s like the simplest G*ddamn thing

Dr. Smitherbutt: But how do they know when to cut it

Sergei: They cut it when you press the paper against them. How was that not clear to you?

Carl: Hey look a security camera

There’s a camera that’s like three stories up

Sila (pridefully): See, now you have to go in and talk to them; they have you on camera

Dr. Smitherbutt: Alternatively, we could perform lovable antics trying to destroy the camera. Maybe we’ll throw some rocks at it. Perhaps we’ll try and hit it with a bunch of sticks we’ve taped together. Maybe we’ll even try to convince I to try and break it. What lighthearted mischief we might get up t-?

A second, identical van with the words ”Carl’s van #2” spray painted on the side flies into the side of the building. The entire wall collapses, and the camera flies right into Sila’s hands. The crash happens and is heard the moment Dr. Smitherbutt stops talking

Carl (out the window of the second van): Did that do anything?

Sila (aggressively): No, no more of this. I’m taking this camera inside and you are going to take responsibility for your actions.

Shäd: Just a word of warning: this may jeopardize your internship

Sila: I’m going to call the police

Sergei: You can, but last time I tried they just put us all on a terror watchlist, which, all of them were already on, and then just called it day.

Carl: Wait, Jesus and I are both arsonists. Jogothy Camera shows Dr. Smitherbutt, who looks up I think we all kind of already just assumed he was on there, but what did Shäd do to get put on there?

Shäd: I bombed a Jewish school

The camera shifts to show how everyone looks varying levels of surprised, except Dr. Smitherbutt, who gives him a thumbs up

Shäd: Pause, looks around, slight pause oh, so when you do your things it’s all ok, but I make one attempt at racial cleansing and suddenly I’m Roosevelt

Jesus: Wait, which Roosevelt?

Shäd: The one with Nukes and Polio

Carl: Shäd Pause Please don’t take this the wrong way. I think you’re a wonderful guy and I would not judge you regardless of any political views you might hold, but, I’ve been wondering for a while and I feel the need to ask: cut are you a nazi?

Shäd: I am, yes.

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh, I didn’t see you at the rally last weekend. Or the Con in Phoenix last month where were you?

Shäd: Oh, sorry I guess I never explained to you guys. I’m not a neo-nazi. I’m actually a member of German national socialist workers party circa 1937

Sergei:…huh. Pause as Sergei thinks for only a brief moment that actually explains a lot

Flashback to Sergei in his bathroom, swastikas are carved all over everything

Sergei: Carl!

Carl (From another room): Only the ones on the toilet are mine!

Second Flashback, Sergei is now watching TV

TV woman: Censors have finally unbanned the public broadcast of the original “Loony Toons” cartoon series, and due to an anonymous donation, our channel will now begin a continuous showing of every episode from its first five years of broadcast, completely uncensored and unaired since 1930

Sergei: Carl!

Carl (From another room): I only sent them like a hundred dollars I didn’t think they’d actually do it

Bugs Bunny on tv: I hate the Jews-doc. Blacks shouldn’t mix in with whites haha, right dooooc?

Third flashback. Carl and Shäd are talking in a room

Shäd: Here’s a hundred dollars and a knife I use to carve those swastikas you see in mens rooms. I don’t really care what you do with either of them. I’m going to go do various non-illegal activities now

Carl: Why are you giving these to me?

Shäd: You’ll understand later

Present

Carl: I still don’t understand

Shäd: Yeeeeah I’m gonna be honest, I was just coming off of a drug binge, so I don’t really remember any of that

Dr. Smitherbutt: You had a drug binge and didn’t invite me?

Shäd: I did invite you. You said you’d come and then just didn’t show up

Dr. Smitherbutt: Sorry

Carl: Are you?

Dr. Smitherbutt: Would you be able to tell if I was lying?

Jesus: Sila called the police while you were flashing back

A police car shows up with the sirens blaring. Two cops come out, and walk toward the group talking to each other

Cop 1: How can you think how to train your dragon 2 is a bad movie? It was awesome, it had the giant dragon fight, and we got to meet hiccup’s mom, and there was that emotional moment when his dad died.

Cop 2: Watch it again.

Cop 1: I just did last night

Cop 2: Watch it again sober

They finally reach the group

Cop 1: So, we got a call about a car crash

Sila: Yes, they crashed their van into the building and then tried to run away

Cop 2: It took us like 20 minutes to get here. If they were trying to run away why are they still here?

Sila: Well, um, I don’t really know.

Cop 1: okay. Who was driving the van?

Sila: Um. Their pet bird was driving.

Cop 2: Riiiight. Miss have you taken any illegal substances recently?

Sila: No

Cop 1: Why do you even ask them that no one will ever say yes to it

Cop 2: Sometimes they do

Cop 1: Who? Tell me the name of one person who admitted to it

Cop 2: I mean…

Cop 1: I told you

Cop 2: Just because I can’t think of anyone right now doesn’t mean those people don’t exist.

Cop 1: I’ll tell you what; if you check the records back at the station and can find one person that admitted to using drugs when we asked them, I’ll take you out to that nice strip club you like. You know the one that’s kinda far away that we always have a great time at but still never go to cause there’s another one closer and I mean ya gotta save on gas

Cop 2: Are you talking about la elephantina

Cop 1: That’s the name of it! Sorry I just couldn’t remember. I’m really bad with names

Cop 2: Hey you wanna just go there right now.

Cop 1: Checks watch I guess we are off right now. Would they even be open? It’s pretty early

Cop 2: Nah but if you show up early you get to just hang out before, you know, just talk with the staff and the like 2 girls that are actually there, and there’s not a lot of other guys there yet. That’s one of the things I like about la elephantina, you know, the people there are actually really chill if you wanna just hang out you know. And then if you meet someone you actually like you can get a dance later on.

Cop 1: That sounds fun actually. F**k it let’s go

Cop 2: right now?

Cop 1: Yeah, why not. To the group you guys cool if we just leave you here?

Carl: Yeah

Shäd (Same time): Okay

Jesus (Same time): Works for me

Dr. Smitherbutt (same time): Sure

Sila (same time and very upset): No

Cop 1: Alright,  tips hat have a good evening

Cops 1 and 2 head back to their car. As they walk off you hear someone say “see, the law works” it is not clear who. The camera focuses on the cops, and the rest of the cast is offscreen. They get in their car and drive away

Sila (Sputtering): Can they… wait like what…

Sergei: puts his hand on Sila’s shoulder welcome to the group

Sila: I’m… I’m gonna call an uber.

Carl: I wouldn’t use your phone right now

Sila: as she pulls out her phone Why?

After a brief pause, during which sila does not look at her phone, the phone catches fire. Sila then yelps, and drops her phone

Sila (to Sergei): I’m sorry, but can you please drive me home?

Carl: ooh, cool, we can take my van

Sila: The one that you crashed into the building?

Carl: No, the other one that I parked right there in case of this exact situation

The camera zooms out to show another van, this one with “Carl’s van #0” spray painted on it, in a spot that there was not a van when last it was shown, but which was not visible before the zoom

Sila: How did you-

Carl and Jesus: Ebay