Why Does Anger, Hurt, and Sorrow Define Us?

While watching a movie tonight, a scene in a preview flashed to a father talking to his daughter, telling her that he wanted the best for her and that he would always take care of her. The thought crossed my mind that my dad never said that to me or my sister. However, the reason for that was not anything we did or did not do, it wasn't that he didn't love us or didn't want the best for us.

My dad was a quiet man when I was born. He rarely laughed or smiled. He had terrible anger and deep rooted hurt. He wasn't particularly patient early in my life and he had little to do with me. As I matured and grew, though, that changed. He became more patient but he also withdrew more. He told me that he was proud of me often but didn't express love often with the pride. That doesn't mean he didn't love me. No one in my family ever showed affection, really. Hugs were rare and tender words even rarer.

It wasn't because of something lacking in them or in me, but they had never been shown affection themselves; they had also been hurt and were angry and bitter. Their anger and bitterness defined their lives, their views, and even their relationships with other people. It colored and shaped who they were and are, and how they viewed others. Their anger and bitterness was also something that they tried to pass down to us- the kids, through their words and actions, claiming that it was for our own good and to protect us. My grandmother was so fond of saying that there were no good men out in the world, for example. She based that solely on her experience with men, and felt that, because of the choices she made in men and how she stayed in poisonous relationships, that was all there was. She didn't want to look beyond that and she then allowed her views of men to be colored by that alone. She would chose men who were the exact opposite of her father and did it to spite him. In turn, because she chose men that were alcoholics and abusers, she then allowed their decisions to affect her and her children's life.

Far too often, all of us let our anger, hurt, sorrow, losses, mistakes and all things negative define us and define our lives. We allow what others have done to us, what hurt and sorrow happens in life to color our decisions and words. We experience crises of faith or completely turn our backs on God, saying that if God were real then all of the bad things would be stopped. Yet, one thing is ignored. The fact that choices were made and you are allowing others' choices, actions, and even words to affect you and all decisions.

There is an universal paradox that states, "You have freedom of choice, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices." What should also be stated is that others also feel the consequences of your actions- not just you. We are all connected, as we are connected to the Earth and even the universe. Therein, with this connection that is present, if you allow others' actions to color your life, to shape who you are, if you hold on your anger at a person for what was done to you by another, your choices will affect another's life and the cycle will continue. The connection that exists between people allows good and bad to come into our lives and also other people's lives that we come in contact with- and it is all based on our choices we make.

We come in contact every day with people; we influence them in many ways, from small to large. So much good can be done and so can so much bad. It all depends on what you choose to let in and what you choose to say and do. That is YOUR decision. You decide. You decide what affects you and then you let it trickle outward, based on your choices and on what you let affect you.

This is why forgiveness is so important. Forgiveness for others and yourself. When you forgive, you replace hate with love and darkness with light. This is why it is a daily process, a daily giving over- because it has to be done again and again until all that is left is love and light. When you forgive, you make a conscious decision to not let pain or sorrow or anything another has done to you affect you.

People often let all of these negative things affect them or they blame what they do on others. "Well, my daddy did this and that's why I am the way I am!" No. You can choose to be different. It is up to you to decide and to make your own choice. No one else, but you. And your decisions and actions also affect others.