Unfortunate Enjoyment

Some introspection on the reasons I indulge in my hobbies with such single-minded obsession

F**k
God
F**K
S**t
DAMN IT
F**K

I don’t even know where to start

I feel like I’ve had this moment of sobering, terrifying clarity

The video games, the card games, the anime

I used to kind of look down on people who admitted to using these things as an escape

I had this impression that doing so would prevent someone from actually appreciating them for what they were

I was a f*****g idiot

Not only is it possible to appreciate these things while using them as an escape, it creates this almost divine reverence for them

This feeling that these things are what really matter, what are really important

Because without them, I’m just some complete f*****g failure at life who’s fucked up at every opportunity available to him

Because without them, I’d probably have long since gone insane and had a complete mental breakdown

Because without them I’m subject to a harsh reality I don’t completely understand and am simply forced to accept

I’ve been in denial, acting like I only do these things because I enjoy them

Without realizing that the reason I enjoy them is because they distract me from the terror of knowing that I’ve fucked up in every possible sense and have continued to do so over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER

F**K

I feel like I’m being crushed now that I know the nature of my habits

Crushed by guilt from ignoring what’s important

Crushed by anxiety that my escapism will continue to dominate my thoughts

Crushed by terror at what would happen were I to abandon these escapes

I’m having a f*****g panic attack but I feel like I shouldn’t get help

I WANT help

I WANT to be able to help myself

I WANT to be free from these mental depths

But I can’t bring myself to ask for help

I don’t know why

I fully understand that it’s what I need

But it feels wrong to do so, like I’m violating some core part of my being by revealing myself to be vulnerable

I can’t even use escapism, as pushing it off that way is what led to my current panicked state of mind and would definitely make it worse

I don’t know why I’m writing this down, maybe as an outlet

But it doesn’t make me feel better

Just more understanding of how fucked in the head I must be to keep this up

Reviews

[NotUsinganymore]

Very nice poem, seems to be about acceptance. Those kind of interests are honestly looked down, it had a nice ring to it.