The Proposal

The Proposal

The first time I saw you,

You were waiting for someone

Fidgeting your scarf, hair undone

Tapping the foot, really restless

Who was bringing that out of you?

I wanted to know then.

 

A strong wind blew and took my breath away

When your dazzling hair, parted from your face,

The dove like eyes, filled me with awe

And the rose petal lips, that drew in the air

Added to the mesmerizing scene, unfolding there

 

You clutched your scarf to hold it with you

Then tucked your bangs, sighing anew

You kept looking at the watch for who knows what

But each time you did that, my heart skipped a bit

For the inevitable fear that you will fade away with it

 

Just when the anxiety was about to swallow you whole,

The clouds gathered up in the sky and started to pour

I don’t know even now, what it was that day

That was bringing that out of you, letting you sway

Because it lost its significance, when I saw what happened next

 

For me, monsoon was just another season back then

But when it drenched you, it became magical at once

The little droplets made you shimmer in the light

And I saw a charming goddess standing with might

Some spell had bound me there, holding me in trance of purest sight

 

Your furrowed brows smoothed back slowly

Taking the frown and anxiety with it, briskly

Lips twitching and eyes sparkling

You transformed into a giddy child

Who would love to dance in the rain and see the rainbow in the sky

 

That was the moment, I remember now

When I decided to know you, anyhow

You captured and reined my heart from then on

What I would have done in my life, if we haven’t met

Nothing in the world could have instigated the wonders of fate

 

Twenty seven monsoons have passed since that day

I can still glimpse the child in you, happy and gay

Time and age has altered almost nothing in you

Your elegance and charm still ruffle the hues

I have gratefully lived these years under your warmth and grace.

 

All I wish is your soothing presence during my last breathe

For you are the salvation my soul will always seek

So today I dare to ask you a question of life and death

After being my only interest everyday and year on year

Will you walk down the aisle to be my wife, yet again?

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Tried to write something from a different perspective.
This is the result of pure imagination on a rainy day.
Please read, review and rate.
Constructive criticism is expected.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Sage]

You know what? The whole poem had me holding my breath, waiting for the next line. In the end, it took my breath away. As a guy let me tell you, you've done something that every guy wishes to convey but fails to do so. The verses are mesmerizing and uniquely flavoured. I love your flow of words.
Keep the words flowing! :D

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your kind words! Glad it can had that kinda effect.

[An owl on the moon]

What a rich, wonderful journey, from first glimpse to eternal love, giving and receiving everything that love brings to fulfill our lives. Each glimpse, each line is written with magic, dear Jyoti.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Craig for your kind comment.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing and beautiful poem. I like the thoughts and the memories. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for the kind review.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Perkele.7885]

I will tell you that I liked your poem for content, for what was said and for what you were trying to say that was not said.
In general terms, Jyoti, your poem needs a paring down into more poetic verse while maintaining your same message and sentiments
I am not saying that it has to rhyme
I am saying that it has to flow off of the reader's tongue
Part of good poetry that sometimes gets overlooked is the visual presentation.
it is not as important as the poetry itself but, I believe that it goes far in impressing a fan base

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

You are correct Mr. Rajaneimi. I am nothing but a novice who is learning with each piece I write.read moreYou are correct Mr. Rajaneimi. I am nothing but a novice who is learning with each piece I write.
Your advice is noted and I will try to imbibe them in my next write.
Thank you for your kind words and time.

[Perkele.7885]

Mr. Rajaniemi seems to be looking for a more custom effort than your other reviewers are satisfied with.
I am of the opinion ,that you have it in you to write, not un-necessary flowery prose, but,
effective, telling, beautiful. prose
without putting the readers to sleep

but, I can see that I am in the minority here so, my suggestion to you is, Jyoti
go with the bigger numbers

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sir, I am here to flourish as a writer, by learning. And anything that will help me attain that goal will always be welcomed.
Thank you.

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Jyoti … it is I, Richard, come to read and review for you. : )
For me, it's rare for a woman to speak from a man's perspective, but I very much enjoyed your beautiful tale of romance, from first glimpse and introduction to tender, heartwarming proposal.
Free Style poetry is one of my favorite forms, because it allows for rhymes blended and wed with the free-flowing spirit of Free Verse, and your poetic voice is simply magnetic to the senses, most especially in this verse (I took it upon myself to remove the rogue "s" from "hairs" to make it grammatically correct, as hair is the plural and the singular of hair, edited it a bit for additional poetic voice and smoother flow, and corrected a couple of punctuation issues, as-well). It's so you can see a variety from a simple olde bard's "perspective", and if you don't care for it, no harm's done, as I've changed nothing in your original version:

"A strong wind blew and took my breath away
when your dazzling hair parted from your face.
Dove-like eyes filled me with awe-filled grace,
and your rose petal lips that drank-in the air
added to the mesmerizing scene, unfolding there."

Still, every line and every verse is woven intricately in such a way that none could be omitted without unraveling the whole … a virtually perfect balance.
I truly enjoyed your creative imagination and how you used it to turn words into visions, combining the colors, textures, and hues of nature and planets with human emotion.

Thank you sincerely, Jyoti, for blessing us with your most lovely poem! 〜 Richard

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much Richard. Its one of the best compliment I have got. And English is not my first language, so my incompetence with grammar is something that is always a pain. But grateful for your suggestions; will try to rectify errors as much as possible.
Glad you liked it. Jyoti

[Richard🖌]

You are a pleasure to read … it is I who thank you!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Well Thank you! :)

[Richard🖌]

A low sweeping bow …

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thats just too kind. Thank you again.

[Richard🖌]

You make it easy to be kind.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am humbled.

[Richard🖌]

LOL! This is fun. : )

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Lol I am out of words.

[Richard🖌]

I don't believe it, You, the artist with a golden pen?
Okay, I'll leave you alone so you can take care of others, but it's still fun*

[Richard🖌]

Come, review another poem for me, my "This, Our Love ⁓"
Maybe, it will remind you of more words. ; )

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Glad it was fun for you!

[Richard🖌]

Me, too … thanks!

[Richard🖌]

Love your new pic, BTW.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Oh Thanx..!

[Richard🖌]

Thank You! 😋

[jacob erin-cilberto]

timing is everything...waiting for someone else...he comes along---and suddenly life goes in a different direction...the serendipity of it all.

nicely expressed...your prosy poetry tells wonderful stories.

j.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your kind review!

[AaronFreitas]

This is beautiful Jyoti :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much. :)

[Gaurav Bhattacharya]

Simply awesome . The best proposal I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing. And the last stanza I liked most. Thanks again.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your encouraging review.

[Ralph Rosell]

Enjoyed reading it more than twice! :) like your writing style Jyoti! The way he sees her in a different way even though the monsoon season had impacted her in such a way. Beautiful. When we see through loves eyes, our lovers are perfect in every single way. Well portrayed!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Indeed Ralph. Thank you for the commentary.

[dexterous sam]

first time u gape a person , which u feel that i want to spend my whole life with him and it is difficult , that he don't even change during the time pass by...and if he don't change a bit then your whole story justified ....only those who are extremely lucky can get them...stupendous performance once again ms.jyoti...congrats:)))))))

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much. Glad you liked it.

[wordman]

a beautiful write,enjoyed the read

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thanked you! Glad you enjoyed.

[wordman]

you`re welcome