The Girl

In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 

Author's Note

Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspects of this piece (that were quite easy after you pointed out my errors) but i am sure you can still pick out some errors and rightly so for even i feel it needs a bit more framing as well.
Please provide your help. Grateful :)
Thank you again!

[emmajoy]

Firstly, your poem has reached x amount of reviewers, almost all declaring their horror at the theme. Imagine how many people could be reminded of the magnitude of child molestation in all its evil guises if each of us wrote and stood to be counted?

'Her luminous body is on display again, -- -- hiding the scars that never healed.'

Your picture, your gradual lead up to the final few words is considered, not overly emotional but obviously very close to your heart. Brava.. your words are magnificent.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Emmajoy, thank you so much for your insights!
We, the people, hold the key to better society, well to atleast bring it at humane level, if not more.
You are very kind. Thank you.

[Akshat♥]

You have described little things so nicely. Old times are always remembered.nicely writted piece. Thank you for sharing :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you, Akshat.

[Akshat♥]

You're welcome, jyoti.

[Sandra Nair]

Here you said a true story. I do not know to correct the grammatical errors. Still, I would like to tell my opinion about your writing. I really felt sad as I read this. In India, selling cow's flesh was banned. But women flesh trade still goes on. You jotted our ideas through this fine masterpiece.

Keep going and I will keep reviewing!

Wishes,
Sandra.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Indeed..
Thank you Sandra for your sweet visit.

[Sandra Nair]

It's my pleasure.

[Saddam]

You just Hammered.
It is quite touching.
Every line is showing the truth.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you!

[Saddam]

Most welcome dear friend.

[Mary Helda]

Well done sweetie...this is a very movinh piece,i am actually trying to work on smethng alittle bit related to this
Wonderfully written:-)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Mary!
Well I hope you will be able to voice the anguish of the suppressed. Good luck, dear.

[Mary Helda]

thank you:-)

[Ellen Kolman]

I love the parallels in this poem...the reminders of innocence still around her room; the evil camera looming waiting to steal more from her soul...wonderful poem that speaks to a subject that needs more attention...our girls need protection; help and freedom....thank you for writing this poem...BRAVO

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hello, Ellen!
Yes, it is much needed today.
Thank you for your kind words!

[Ellen Kolman]

my pleasure

[Reed]

Prostitution is a very very big problem, being simply swept under the carpet, instead of taken care of ...
I cannot even imagine, the horrific emotional, and mental stress of the women forced to...Well earn money with pleasing sexual desires...Multiple times a night / day.
Well written.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sadly true...
Thanks for the review!

[Reed]

You are welcome.

[wordman]

you have touched on a very serious problem,it seems to be out of control
you wrote it well

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

This is one disturbing thruth of today...
Thank you for the kind visit.

[Adroaldo Barbosa Jr.]

Wow... good writing. Congratulations!

[Shaheesta]

It was very nice and shout out a cause which everyone have to look after.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sad truth! Thank you for the kind visit.

[Jesse Gonzalez]

Wow, this is a really neat piece! I wasn't expecting that at all. I could reflect on this, of course in a different point of view but I can definitely look back at my life while reading this poem of yours. Great job! Keep up the great work!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your kind words!