"Will you give me a back rub? My shoulder hurts."

My same two boys who are still very much in love.

LANCE

   I read in a book somewhere about giving your loved ones more gifts. Simple things like giving them a back rub when they ask, just calling them up at work to say, "I love you" or giving them more of your time so that you can be alone together. It doesn't always have to be something you buy. It also doesn't always have to be something that represents special occasions, like an engagement ring or a birthday card you bought from the local dollar store. Like, I went to Wal*Mart one day and somehow ended up in the arts and crafts section. When I ended up in the faux flower aisle I saw a chain of daises that was longer than I was tall. Since they were Brad's favorite flower I bought a strand of them and hung them up over his bed before he came home from his after school job.
   When he came home and saw the daises he called me and thanked me for the gift and he told me how much he loved them (and me). Honestly, I think he was mostly surprised that I had remembered he liked daises. Not long after that I bought him the small stuffed duck that he keeps in his room on the bed. Later on, he handed me a small strangely wrapped package and I laughed so hard when I opened it because it was a rubber duckie. I had told him how much I used to love them, but I never dreamed that he would actually get me one. I was thrilled.
   On the day of my seventeenth birthday I was supposed to be going to Germany with my German class, but some things happened at home and so I didn't get to go. I asked my mother about possibly having a sleep over. Even though she thought that sounded so elementary school, she agreed. Brad said that his mom had given him permission to stay the night and so I invited two other people and we had a big slumber party. As childish as it sounds, it was so much damn fun. The bad part happened when one of my kittens had a seizure and I didn't know how to react. I was torn between being angry for something so trivial ruining my birthday and fear for the poor thing's life. Without really thinking, I ran out of the house crying. I had originally intended to run out the front door and just keep running until all the emotions were drained out of me, but I didn't think that my legs could support me for that long, so I ran instead for the back porch and fell onto the hard wood, sobbing.
   Brad was the first to come and check on me. I was crying so hard that I couldn't speak, but Brad understood. He sat with his legs crossed on the porch beside me and held me in his arms, rocking back and forth, whispering that it was going to be okay. I had so many things running through my head, along with a huge rush of gratitude towards Brad for the moment that briefly made me think everything would be okay.
   That was one of the biggest gifts Brad has ever given me.
   His compassion, his gentleness, his love.
   I've never been loved by anyone the way that he loved me. My previous relationships, for lack of anything better to say, were meaningless. They were pretty much all sex and not much else. I wanted the sex so that I could escape the numb feeling I had throughout the rest of my life. I always had heard that sex felt great, but no matter who it was, male or female, I felt no different. Things only got worse. When I was with them there were no kisses, the touching was purely to try to get rid of the lack of feeling or the overwhelming feeling of pain, and I never did hear an "I love you" from any of them.
   With Brad...wow. When I kissed him I really did feel something. It's the way that he held me, the way that he smiled at me when he pulled away, how he looked in my eyes and said, "You're beautiful, Lance."
   He was always so gentle with me. He never hurt me. I trusted him with my body, my heart, my soul. After a while, I finally decided it was more than safe to trust him with all of my love. I've not ever given myself so completely to someone, never seen such a beautiful soul behind blue-green eyes, never trusted someone so much with me and my body...my heart.
   It feels so strange to say all of this in past tense when I still love him so damn much, when I can still feel his kiss on my lips, when I still feel my hand want to slide into his when we walk down the hallway at school together. People see us walking together and think nothing is wrong, that we're still a happy couple. A few people know. They've seen me crying silently in the back of class while I try so hard to hold back the sobs that want to escape, but I know better. Just like before, no one can know.
   It really does suck when you can't tell everyone to begin with how happy you are and then, when it's all over, how much it hurts.
Throughout all of this, everything is a secret...always a secret.
   It sucks.

Author's Note

This is a story loosley based upon what happened to me and my ex-girlfriend.

Reviews

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thats so so sad, like its really really really good but like its so sad. the beginning was so great and then it got even better when it was close to the end, but then the ending was like really really sad. :'(