Daddy's Leaving

He hasn’t lifted a paintbrush in over a year. The studio used to allow escape. Now there are too many voices - distracting, demanding.

Forcing himself to sit upright in his chair, the familiar motion of subconsciously rocking left to right takes grip. Eyes fixed to a point on the page he cannot bring himself to write. Instead, he silently narrates his own goodbye. Surely, he thinks these thoughts will travel with the wind across the ocean and find their way to her tiny pure soul.  

‘Easier! Yes!’ He proclaims to an empty room. ‘Much easier than ever having to see her again.’

I’m sorry.

My baby girl, I hope one day you will see past my sins and you can forgive me.

Tell me. How can I ask for redemption from the soul I used as a bargaining chip to level out the universe within me? Selfish I am. You have always been my world. 

The task I asked of you the day you came into this world was too much. Consider yourself annulled of the self-serving birthright I anointed you with. Realise instead you have the strength within you to be all of what I know you to be - my beautiful Kal.

You are the only one who unburdens me of the screaming terror in this living hell. Without you near my mind screams in unchartered directions.

Stopping himself only when he realises the rocking and swaying motion as he sits in his desk chair has become so vigorous the legs oare lifting. He stands, places the palms of his hands against the sockets of his eyes and slowly drags both hands in synchronicity down his face so his eyeballs bulge and stare into the nothingness he has created fro himself. 

He laughs. If only synchronicity could be this simple, he thinks. Perhaps he’d have a chance. Turning to the window, his thoughts return to her.

The vast ocean blue of your eyes brings me home. The darkness has bolstered it’s grip. My days have become limp in suffocation. Life seeps from my every pore. I watch as it dissipates into a reality I have never called home. You were my home. If I could paint a path to love and happiness I would paint it just for you. To know you will always be walking ahead of the tide is all I need for a goodbye. Your fortitude astounds me. 

It is too much for me to burden you with what goes on inside. I demand you never have the capacity to understand these inners. The walls are a labyrinth. Even the best will get lost forever.

I see within you a strength. Your resilience is your birthright. Mistakenly I believed you to be my cure. A naive but romantic notion. I tangled you without asking. Your innocence was never mine to control. You have a unique pallet. The colours you emit are or the rarest mix. You are your own universe.

The refection distracts him. Alone in the room, he knows this can only be himself , he stares as if he may know this person.

‘LEAVE,’ he screams, ‘these are my final moments with my daughter. Grant me this simple wish at least.’ 

Drawing the curtain, his mind is like a spinning top, a meld of colours turning everything red in its whirlwind. He waits until to top ceases motion. And there she is.

Sweet child, I have fought hard to bring balance into this occupied mind. In here, nobody allows me to speak. You, baby girl, have seen the real me. I beg this image is the one you choose to keep. We’ve had our moments where time stood still. 

We cannot stop time - the unraveling eternity continues.

Enjoying a moment of fluidity he hurriedly continues his passage of thought. Delivered tonight. Yes, it will be delivered tonight. 

Kal, I’m leaving. Don’t be sad. Your life always meant much more than my own. Take care of your mother. My one and only queen. She tried in vain to learn the language of the screams. Your mother, my beacon of light. Even her I have drained. At any moment she may falter and break. This too has been my unwanted gift.

Devoid of emotion he wants only to cry. Maybe the tears might change his mind. His mind is flat. His face lacks expression. If only a raging fire could consume his soul. At least then it may all seem worth it. 

A flicker of gold from the evening sun reminds him of her. Reminds him of his now. Which colours can he mix to achieve this spark of life.

Your beauty surpasses everything I have ever known. I will never forget your ticklish laughter dancing across the waves. I shall take with me the meditative gaze you display when watching the ocean break against the rocks beneath us at the cliffs. I shall carry the memories of delightful skip between your dear mother and I. With me, I take the pressing warmth of my heart melting within my chest as I realise time and again how much I love you. 

Take your mothers azure eyes and my chocolate skin. Remember the light from one half of us and the darkness from the other. But know dear girl, the Kali darkness was here before the light and from that darkness you can manifest any world world you choose. 

Do it for me Kal, live life in every direction while keeping hold of the reins you have already mastered so well, even as a child.

Inhaling the essence of a life lived within the studio. Momentarily allowing the snippets of life to shuffle through like a family slide night in his mind, he smiles. 

‘It’s time,’ he says, seemingly to somebody, but nobody at all. ‘You may think you have won the day. No. I would never allow you to actually win the day. A new path awaits.’ 

�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"�"

This was totally off the cuff when I wrote it today. I have tried to run it in line with a story I am writing that does not involve the father whatsoever. The father has a unique mind. I was trying to expand and write to that. Feedback more than appreciated.

Reviews

[drew garner]

I could easily see this at the center of a larger story, kind of like the funeral at the ocean at the end of the lane. There are things the character says that almost hint at something supernatural, or mental illness. Though it feels like a starting point more than a narrative (I get that it was off the cuff, I personally would read more if you wrote it.) overall I was impressed.

[Einstein Noodle]

well .......... the internal/mental struggle is tense ... I recognized the symptoms of schizophrenia in this man and feel a certain amount of compassion for him .. on the other hand .. he seems to be heaping a whole lot on his daughter ... perhaps to make up for him taking his own life .. and there is most certainly a selfish and rather arrogant component to schizophrenics make up .. of course your "hero" ... could be suffering from any number of other challenging ills ... i love that he is a painter .. its redemptive .. even tho he hasn't painted for a while ... I definitely want to know more about Kal and her life ;) I especially like how he presses his palms to eyeballs and pulls them down over his face .. gave me an irresistible urge to do the same ... and how that gives me release in troubled times is so relatable ...you wrote this quickly and there are a very few editing thingies ...if you re-write you will find them i have no doubt ..the paragraph that starts "The vast ocean blue of your eyes brings me home." is wonderful ... your poetic vein strongly evident ... makes the reading for me energized .... I think, without having read the whole story, that this will fit nicely into it...it is definitely an expansion on his life within his mind ..so ...i say well done! are you going to post the whole story here? ...

[KWP]

Hey You !!!! How long has it been? Too long my friend ... I will be off travelling soon, so I anticipate some time spend writing you from airports.

Thanks for reading and your review of course - you know me - not strong on editing - ahhhh - I will go back and find those hidden learning treasures.

I have started reading over some of my own writing to get me motivated again, Your words, of course allow me to find the line.

Love Ya X

[Einstein Noodle]

well i have missed you for sure .. i even have a couple newer poems you have missed .. ahem! ahem! ;) another adventure ... i am envious you gypsy you! and can't wait for airport updates ... belly scratch for Dodger please ...

[KWP]

Mali's 18th birthday this side ... off to dinner now ... more celebrations with friends tomorrow ... when the dwontime hits you are all mine baby X

[Einstein Noodle]

hey Mali!!! big boy happy birthday!! :) ahhhh proud parents i am sure ;) blessings dahlink! i freely give me little self to you :)))))))))))

[barleygirl]

Responding to augustus (another reviewer), I feel your story is clear, that the guy is planning to off himself. But there's also uncertainty . . . you haven't stated as such, so it could go a different way. I love stories with nebulous endings & yours is plenty vivid as far as bringing to mind possibilities. My dad was the ultimate narcissistic a*****e, having raped three of six daughters (including me) regularly for years, with fist-hitting & regular verbal berating for our family of nine kids. Mom had her share of neuroses, incapacitated by meekness, & she evidently did not realize everything going on in the family?!?!? Suffice to say, these two were a pair & both have characteristics like you portray so intensely thru this piece. The thing that stands out to me is how this guy says things like "I don't want to burden you" (pardon me for not fetching your exact words) and in the next sentence, he's being a total burden! A person like this will convince himself that he's doing the selfless thing when this is the most selfish thing anyone could do -- to burden another on the way out of existence, effectively haunting this person for the rest of their lives. This piece is literally dripping with the exact kind of self-congratulatory s**t that I experienced in my childhood home, with parents who saw themselves as doing the right thing & totally minimizing the extreme damage they were doing to us kids. I've always wanted to nail that narcissistic self-talk & I'm very jealous at how you have! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[KWP]

I'm glad you said that, about the other review, I was thinking it didn't need a over explanation, I guess though he may have been reading it as a short story instead of as a longer piece.

So yeah wow. I don't know how to respond to the rest of. your review. I reckon you must have such inner strength these days (I hope so). It would be hard for me to say anything on this really, I feel anything I said could come off as a bit non schalont. (is that how to spell that word). I am however honoured you shared your story with me. My words above were purely novel, but your review has reminded me to keep on writing as one day it will be so damn fine tuned I may actually like what I write.

Huggs right back chick - big hugs X

[barleygirl]

No worries, my trauma is healed at this late point in my life. It's harder for others to hear about it, than for me to remember it. It's amazing to me that I cannot write deeply on this topic, yet you write something so pertinent, even tho you've not had such an experience!

[KWP]

I like to write when my emotions run high ... I find when I am level the river runs dry ... I like to tap in to the flow, hang out there a while you know ... experience deepens everything ... no matter the experience

[wordman]

sounds like he is looking back at his life,he is ready to go home

[augustus]

Is the subject of your story about to die naturally, or is he about to commit suicide? A subtle clue might help! Well written nonetheless!