Part 1(revision)

Yael begins her story, this time in greater detail.

 My name is Yael. I was born in Cheyenne Republic Zone 19 to David and...hell I've forgotten my own mother's name. I don't remember much about life before all of this happened. To me it seems like a past life, or a dream. My dad was a police officer, but when Cheyenne took control of everything he didn't see a point in continuing his career so he stayed home to raise me while my mom worked. She was a nurse so Cheyenne made sure that we were well taken care of.

 I remember thinking that it was strange that everyone needed a yellow card to get food. I thought it was even more strange that we were given two cards, rather than one. I guess that was just one of the perks of being important. We would go to a big building, wait in line all day, then show people our cards. After that they would give us more food than we could eat before going back again. I don't think people liked us because of that.

 We didn't have a school, so my dad taught me from home. I loved playing with the other kids and telling them all about what new things I had learned. Playing with the other kids, homeschooling, and waiting in line for food. That was life, and I was happy. But I remember my parents didn't seem to like it too much. They would talk about how different things were when they were my age. Apparently there weren't lines for food and people had so much of it they would throw it away. I swore it was just made up stories. Anyway.

 One day we were going through the process of waiting in line for food, which is the most exciting thing in the world for a ten year old, and a fight broke out in the front of the line. Next thing I knew, one of the soldiers had fired his gun into the air and was standing on a truck telling everyone that they were low on rations and would have to turn everyone away until the could get more. People started yelling again and more men with guns came out. My dad said we needed to leave before something happened and after that I just remember going home and helping count how much food we had. Everyone must have gotten tired of waiting for food, because it wasn't long after that when we had to leave home.

 I don't know how it all started, but honestly I don't think it matters anymore. I just remember that I was at home with my mom. I was playing with our dog when my dad burst through the front door telling us that we needed to leave immediately. We grabbed as much as we could and put it into bags to carry with us. I kept asking what was going on, but neither of my parents would answer me. When were leaving we heard gunfire from down the street. We ran as fast as we could but the crowd of people started catching up. They were burning down houses and killing people for whatever they had.

 No one had cars, but my dad said there was an old one at the police station. We got there as quick as we could. Me and my mom hid inside while my dad tried starting the car. I remember bricks coming through some of the windows right before my dad came and got us. The dog and our bags were already in the car, but my dad had to fight people away for us to get in. That was the last time I saw my mom. I was in the backseat with the dog, my dad has just gotten in the driver's seat, and my mom was trying to get in the passenger's seat but was pulled away. She disappeared into the sea of arms, all grasping at whatever they could get their hands on. I was screaming to go back and get her, but my dad just drove.

 We didn't get far before the car broke down. At least the piece of junk got us out of town. We were between towns, surrounded by woods, and it was almost night. That's when my dad started teaching me what he thought was the golden rule in life, "Keep your hopes high and your head low." We got everything out of the car, went into the woods, and prayed that we lived to see the morning.

 I don't know how long it took us, but when we got to the next town most of the people were dead in the streets. My dad covered my eyes while he led me from building to building. He said we couldn't stay and just needed to find whatever we could to get by. What was more surprising to him wasn't that the town was dead, it was that there was no sign of Cheyenne anywhere. It was like they had vanished. We stayed there for a while before he said it wasn't safe and that we needed to keep moving. I was so mad at him because his legs were longer and he didn't know what it was like to walk all the time as a ten year old.

 After a few days we ran into a group of people that said they were going to a tent city. My dad decided it was our only choice if we wanted to survive. When we got there, it was full of people on the verge of death. My dad was worried that they wouldn't let us in, but they finally gave us a tent and told us to find somewhere to put it. Between the rats and dirt, it wasn't pretty but my dad said it was home.

Author's Note

Bit of a beefed up revision of Part 1. It's midnight and I'm starting to lose it so it might trail off in coherency towards the end. Pick it apart! Fresh meat. Is it better than before? Or did I somehow make it worse by padding it out? Be harsh. Rip me a new one if you have to. Just help me make it better. Do you even care about reading it anymore? Have you realized it's a boring story? Or is it more exciting now? I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!!

-With love, K

PS,

It's morning now, and I just read over everything I wrote. I noticed a few mistakes in spelling and seemingly repetitious phrasing that should probably be cleaned up. The spelling mistakes I'll definitely take care of, but the repetitious phrasing I'll wait for someone else to point out if they notice. Again, hope you liked it better than the original attempt, unless you haven't read the original in which case welcome to my own corner of hell called 'actually writing a story so it's more than idea.'

Reviews

[Kent Clark]

This is awesome, man! It gets you from the first paragraph and keeps you the whole way through. Definitely an amazing piece!

[Jordan]

Thanks! I was worried that it would be a hard read. I'm lad you like it and hopefully I can keep it up with the rest of my revisions.

[barda421]

That was better then what I write. Nicely done!

[Jordan]

Thank you! And don't be so critical of yourself. You've gotten better. :)

[barda421]

Thx, I needed the encouragement because I wasn't to far from stopping in my book. No one has the time of Day to say keep going for me, so it really helps when people like you say things like that XD

[Jordan]

Any time :D

[EileenM]

This is much better. You've explained more about Yael's living situation, the Cheyenne Republic, and how things fell apart. I think the line edit can come later, after all the revisions are done. Get the revisions for all the sections done! Yes, there are repetitious phrases, the ones Ella pointed out, and as an example, last graph, "people were dead in the streets" and "town was dead" are too close together.

Do the revisions now and do the line edit later. Don't get caught up in the little stuff now.

[Jordan]

Aye, captain!

[EileenM]

"Please enter at least 10 characters"

[Marie]

I didn't read the first version, but this one is pretty good. However, I got to ask a uestion that others will ask: What happened to the dog? It was in the back seat when Yael's mother was pulled away, and no mention of it was made later. Was it killed, or did it come along with Yael and her father?

[Jordan]

It went with them. It's gonna be mentioned in the next few parts. Ig you DO read the original, the first dog and Molly are two different dogs.

And I'm glad you like it! I've been working on my part 2 revision today and it should be up by tonight(which means anytime between now and midnight so don't wait around too long :) ). It explores the tent city a little more than the first version so I'm just trying to figure out what works best with that.

[Ella]

That was life, and I was happy. Reminds me of i book i read when i was younger its called "the giving tree". Great book with a strong message.

This line is kind of repeating what you already stated. "Playing with the other kids, homeschooling, and waiting in line for food." Maybe change the order. Seems a little redundant. But not a big deal sounds good either way.

Overall great story. I'm not sure if i'm hearing it from a child's point of view or an adult. Some parts support both. Maybe its just me.

Really enjoyed reading this!

[Jordan]

Adult recounting her life.

And yeah I was worried it wouldn't read so well, I was just trying to shove that part in.

Giving Tree by Silverstein, read it all the time. I think most people in the states have at one point or another. It's one of those things we don't really think of as being iconic.

But about the redundancy, would you reword it to make it sound better? Or should I just rework that section?

[Ella]

I never seem to forget about that book.

I would change these two sentences and make them one: "Playing with the other kids, homeschooling, and waiting in line for food. That was life, and I was happy" to Playing, learning, and waiting that was my life and I was happy. I think the simplicity of it makes it stand out more. That's what i would do but its up to you.