Brown

My innocence was gone 

given away 

I used to dream of it happening 

I would stare into brown big eyes 

as he asked me if I was okay before he injects himself into me 

but that didn't happen at all 

It don't go as planned 

I did stare into brown eyes but they weren't him 

remember brown big eyes didn't want me 

brown big eyes went away 

I had to stare into brown low eyes 

They weren't big 

They weren't him 

They didn't stare back 

They didn't want to be seen 

Brown low eyes didn't ask if I was okay 

Brown low eyes kept looking away 

I knew what I did 

I knew what I've done 

I gave him myself 

Once we became one 

He didn't care 

cause he didn't see 

just like brown big eyes he helped murder me

Author's Note

Grammar mistakes and spelling
Please give opinions

Reviews

[LilyVice]

this poem has tremendous potential. Even in this raw state the ethos is good; the sentiment, stinging; the lyric, visceral. Also, the language "I knew what I did/I knew what I've done" is extremely melodic. I would have pushed the grammar even further: "I knew what I did/ I knew what I'D done." But overall, brava! for bringing us an evocative story of innocence lost.

One thought: Brown eyes. This is a very literal description. Find other ways to enhance the narrative. Use a metaphor or a series of metaphors to describe the brown eyes.

[mickeroo]

Overall I liked it. In terms of grammar though, Idiomatically, I think it should be "big brown eyes," but if you're trying to be different, that's fine. It was just distracting to me as I was reading it. Also, grammatically it should be "I knew what I'd done" or "I know what I've done"

[samparks,sam]

Nice poem I read it , also like.

[terry smith]

this reminds me of a poem I wrote...

Just a warm body

When you invited me over
i thought that you wanted
to see me
but when i saw
the sadness in your eyes
while we were making love
i realized you
just didn't want to be alone

[Wally HA (xSoulProvider..]

Well done! thanks for sharing :)

[Tamika Finley]

i enjoyed it bc it's an honest feeling/thought that most of us are too afraid to admit that we come across. thanks for sharing

[Pink Pastel]

Very nicely done and it has a very good rhyme to it cool^-^