Bang

Written for Twilight's competition. Jeremy is a 16 year old struggling to come to grips with how his family fell apart at the hands of Daniel, a promiscuous fellow with women wrapped around his finger

The gun fell from limp hands. Blood stained fingers grasped thin air, as if the trigger could be undone. Rough concrete met hardened knees as the man collapsed amidst ragged breathing, gasping for precious air. The park seemed like the wrong place, with its gently swaying trees, the strong beams of sunlight filtering through the canopy. Playgrounds, swings moving. A see-saw tipped, seemingly by itself, to creak in the background. But it was empty. The alien place lacked life, the sounds of children laughing and playing, of adults bickering and radios blaring. All had been swept away, but not by Jeremy. They had left for the festival in town, and here, where he had waited for the man who had slept with his mother, then his sister, was where it all went wrong. The b*****d fellow had been dating his mother, with eyes for both females and a black soul. He had played them all off against each other, like a fool, until he took it one step too far.

But now... What sin haven’t I committed? Jeremy felt sickened to his stomach. Again, the see-saw tipped, but in his haze, he did not notice. The pool of blood gradually filtering through the cracks of the pavement was all that he cared about. Perhaps his anger had stretched the truth, because now it seemed he had been the one to go too far. Consequences…

It had been a grand opportunity. Benjamin had gotten into a fight with Daniel, Jeremy’s step-father-to-be, and afterwards, both had cursed him, cussed him out, told each other the possibilities of his demise, what good a beating up would do the jerk. Looking back, he realized his anger was probably at his family’s unfaithfulness to one another, and he had hated Daniel for bringing that to light. At the time, though?

“Why don’t you take this?”

“Dude, that’s a f*****g gun.”

“Yeah, yeah, but it’s not loaded. It’s my dad’s. Just take it and scare him a little. He can’t do anything about it. Come on, could you imagine the look on his face?”

Jeremy could. The satisfaction he would feel as he raised the lethal weapon, the recognition in Daniel’s eyes as all his wrongs came back to bite him rudely in the behind. No matter the web of lies he had spun, the undeniable truth would be in that black gadget so many people feared, and then, Jeremy could tell him to leave, to take his miserable past and his unhappy future. Maybe then, Ben and Jenna could get back together, and his mother and father might find some reconciliation…

The plan had worked, so wonderfully up until that last moment. Trembling, Jeremy put his hands on the pavement. I did this… Blood was pooling at his hands. Time slowed. The pain was slowly coming around. He raised one palm, pressed it to the soaking shirt and pulled down, revealing the small hole. It felt like an explosion of agony as he collapsed, felt his cheek against the ground, felt his legs loose feeling and his arms go cold. Daniel. The man was talking, swearing, trying to get his phone to work.

The memory still played in Jeremy’s mind, clear as the day he stood in.

Hood up, Jeremy waited under the shade of a tree. He was sixteen. He had been the best student until his home life had wrecked it for him, all because of a single loser with no job, no life, but plenty of women. Daniel approached with a newspaper. Behind him, walking away now they were finished with their little date, another girl he knew. Jeremy’s fingers curled around the 9mm pistol, taking confidence from its cool feel. The heavy thing was tucked in his pocket. Perfect. They were alone now. As Daniel approached, Jeremy stepped forth and threw back his hood, envisioning himself as some sort of hero from a movie, handsome, strong and proud.

“What are you doing here, kid?” Daniel said with barely suppressed disgust. In a single motion, graceful, Jeremy pulled the gun from his pocket and pointed it directly at the man who had ruined his life. What more wrong could be done?

“F**k, what the �"“ Jeremy clicked the trigger. The sound of the pin hitting nothing as Daniel jumped made him smile. “Bang,” he whispered to himself, taking immense pleasure from the moment. The man’s eyes hardened.

“You f*****g s**t, you just tried to shoot me.”  

Jeremy blinked. Daniel was dropping his paper, reaching for something in his own pocket. To Jeremy’s surprise, a small .22 was produced and pointed directly at him. Now he didn’t know what to do. Was this going to really turn into a gun fight? He didn’t even have bullets, it was just a trick.

“It doesn’t even hav�".” The sound. Deafening at a range of only ten feet. It took a few seconds for Jeremy to realize that the d****e had actually fired, and now he watched as Jeremy frowned and dropped his gun. As it did, the lack of a magazine became apparent. Daniel rushed forwards suddenly, eyes wide, holding Jeremy’s torso. Aghast, he pushed Daniel back and swore.

And then…

The gun fell from Daniel’s limp hands. His blood stained fingers grasped at nothing, as if he could undo the trigger he had just pulled. Then he fell to his knees, expression hopeless while Jeremy teetered. He was gasping like a fish, about to choke back his own sobs. Jeremy managed a small smile and watched the playground for a few moments in silence.

“Bang.”

Author's Note

Haven't double-checked it really. = i'm bad at that.

Reviews

[captain]

very dark, that was really surprising end. oh... very nice!

[Twilight]

This is intense, fast-paced and written in a simple colloquial style. The narrative seems to be driven mostly by dialogue, and the language is probably appropriate for the characters and scenario involved. Overall, this this seems to be a bleak and brutal melodrama, but I think that the writer has attempted to emphasise a few moral points with this piece? But, does it meet all of my Contest criteria? Well, close. Pretty good - Katreya!