initial mistakes

I am no one to dream of, an obese and stubborn person, but like all people I can hurt. 5 years ago I found the blade that would someday leave my heart impaled and bled dry. Cupid was in a foul mood that day indeed. For his arrow certainly hit his mark for me, but missed her completely. I foolishly reveled in the idea she could somehow love me back, there wasn't an hour of my day that went by and she wasn't on my mind. Yet I could barely have been more invisible to her. We talked a lot, but every time I would attempt something things went unbearably wrong.
I could never really look her in the eye, and she certainly noticed. One day she dared me to have a staring contest with her, because I had beaten everyone else, and I fearlessly accepted. as we stood locked in eachother's eyes, for one moment I was the only thing on her mind, a brief shining moment where we were thinking equally of one another. I know how stupid and petty that sounds, but it meant a lot to me. I poured my soul through my eyes, and one cannot stutter when they speak through their eyes, she noticed my pain in longer for her affection, and responded in sympathy through her own beautiful eyes. In that moment was probably the closest thing to a relationship we came to...
                 After about a year of slowly becoming friends and ultimately being stabbed in the back by someone I never saw coming, but that's a different story, one I am not yet ready to tell. Anywho, after all that time, fate would have me go a different course, and my family and I would move to another state. for years I would reach out to her, but instead I grasped in the dark for something that wasn't there. As my attempts continued to fail, I grew bolder and pressed deeper, but my hope and faith was rewarded with malice and pain. the only time in the 4 years I have been away from her that she even spoke to me, was in anger and rejection. I cannot express how much more I cried that night than any other. Not that my cheeks were strangers to tears, but that night irrevocably changed my definition of sorrow.
               After all this time the cracks in my heart have been sealed but it is an unrecognizable emotion to feel loved by anyone. Every relationship I try to create ends in moments. I face rejection everywhere I go, from my daily run, to a simple trip to walmart, I get made fun of, or stared at. I understand that I am not the modern definition of cool, and 18 I'm alone in that fact. But I don't hurt anyone, why does everyone have to hurt me? I would normally say that I'm being over sensitive and that I should suck it up, but to day in day out be made fun of messes with someone. From getting your house and car paintballed, to absolutely malicious comments in the hallways, to being knocked over on a run. The world around me hates me, and in my own stupid way I will die for it as a US Marine, and still nothing but hate from the very people I will inevitably die for. I don't know why I feel the urge to do so, but maybe if I succeed and help the world a little, I won't hurt so bad.... maybe...