Moonlight Dance

Do you hear the chants,

of that moonlight dance,

those bestial roars,

and faces gaunt

 

the moonlight shines,

on that crimson wine,

where wicked beasts,

love to dine

 

no one dares,

to break the throng,

when they hear those beasts,

as they sing along

 

merrymaking fiends from hell,

and their demon offspring,

roar and yell,

your souls they seek to sell

 

that crimson wine,

reflects the light,

wise mortals flee,

from that sight

 

knowing that the fruitful taste,

will more than suffice,

to darken the soul,

and the devil take you whole

 

those hapless fools,

who dare to join,

that horde of beasts,

with bestial loins

 

the wine it floweth,

as slick as blood,

unholy trick,

or evil flood?

 

 

Your thirst it will slake

And soul it shall take.

Reviews

[M.A. Hughes]

I like the atmosphere of the poem, Twilight. I'll be honest and say that while I like poetry, critiquing poems are not my strongest point (since I've not much experience in this particular area).

I have to agree with some of the other reviewers. The flow goes really well for the most part but there are a couple of snags:


the moonlight shines,
on that crimson wine,
where wicked beasts,
love to dine

and

knowing that the fruitful taste,
will more than suffice,
to darken the soul,
and the devil take you whole

For the most part you tend to rhyme the 1st and 3rd lines of every stanza, but for the two verses mentioned above, you don't. It throws the rhythm of the poem off. I'd suggest either rewriting the last lines of both or finding a word substitution so it flows better.

Good luck! I hope this review helped :). Let me know if there is anything else I can elaborate on.

[Daisy123]

very well written! The rhythm gets a little thrown of at parts, but it was still a very good poem!Twilight is always a great them as well. Keep up the good work!

[Passingdaze]

Very good piece. Your writing has a very consistent flow. Keep it rockin'

[CLUTZ]

I'm not one for rhyming, but this is nice........and very creative, i enjoyed reading it.

[MeeSa]

I really like this! I must have read it over and over five times! :)

As new as I am to writing, and reviewing I will leave the serious critiques to those who really know how to do so. Anyhoo, I think it rhymes and flows very well.

[Amaunet]

Nicely written, and while the tempo was continous, there were times that some of the words didn't quite match the inner tempo I felt the poem was using.
This line in particular:
knowing that the fruitful taste,
will more than suffice,
to darken the soul,
and the devil take you whole

I felt like the the tempo snagged just a little on the second line. Despite that, however, the imagary was fantastic! And left me very impressed.

[XxVampyrCandyXx]

I love it...the imagery is wonderful. I like the last two lines especially. Very good for ending the peice. Bravo

[Guardian]

I liked the piece overall and it's really imaginative and the imagery is fantastic. I felt that the formatting was a little awkward. The line between stanzas sometimes blurred and I think if you just take a look at it, maybe read it out loud you can see what I mean. The sixth stanza in particular seemed awkward to me and i ended up reading it twice. Other than some minor things with flow it was a very powerful and moving poem. Very chilling. Great job.

[[untitled]]

Overall I like this poem very much. A wonderful demonic chant lush with dark overtones and imagery. There is one suggestion:
"knowing that the fruitful taste,
will more than suffice,
to darken the soul,
and the devil take you whole" ~ It's a tad off in the rhyming; taste vs. suffice. Sorry, I hate giving criticism. Other than that I think its great. You display a brilliant imagination for evil forces ;)

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I like the overall feel of the poem, the wording, and intent. I think what makes it difficult to read in certain spots is the slipstream from one rhyme scheme to the next from one stanza to the next. Consistency in rhyme and meter would go a long way towards improving the fluidity of this poem.

The greatest piece of advice that I ever received from anyone when I first started writing was to use rhyme and meter. It's a challenge at times; but one which, when properly used, can really make a poem shine.

Keep shining!

Linda Marie