Blessed and Cursed

This is a personal essay I wrote a few years back.

 

My heart was a field of widows and wasps and the gates were steel soldiers.

 

I say this in a poetic sense because when I look at the basket case that is my life my heart felt infested with widows and wasps, boys who stole my sanity and crafted my insanities. The steel soldier gates refer to my time I spend in residential treatment centers, how I was imprisoned now it is time to reflect on this unique mind and these stubborn gates.

 

A confession. When I hear the word I experience something dark and alluring. What have I done to confess? The real question is, what haven’t I done?

 

There could be several aspects to this question, however it is not hard because I have been in therapy since the age of five, I can confess this. I have Bipolar I disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD. Sometimes I act crazy. Sometimes I am crazy. Sometimes I wish I was born with a different brain, or that I could have some sort of transplant.

 

There are times I do not even know why I am crying. There are times I want to die for no reason.

 

 A confession: I have tried suicide twice. Both on the account of boys who mistreated me and controlled my fragile mind. I have done several things I am not proud of but over the last 2 or 3 years I am finally starting to mature.

 

Another confession: I spent 3 years on and off of my teenage years in residential treatment. Am I happy about that? No. But would I be alive otherwise?

 

 I met amazing people, although I did not use treatment to better myself, I joked around, played games, caused mayhem.

 

Sometimes I wish I did not have this laundry list of confessions or that my confessions could be less severe and somewhat more normal, such as “I pick my nose” or “I bite my toenails.” But no. I was placed in the ring of mental illness. One day I hope to step outside that circle of the cursed mind I was born with. But wait a second.

 

Do I even have a normal confession that other people do? Well, I will admit something else. I do have strange phobias. Like trash, stickers, receipts and gum wrappers with writing on them, the silver gum wrappers do not bother me one bit. Oh and I do not like shellfish either. I guess I am unique to this world, and frankly, I am okay with that.

 

 One last confession that is almost bittersweet: I will openly admit I have been unfaithful to every boyfriend I have had, except the man I married on May 16, 2009. Never once have I betrayed him. Never once have I truly considered it.

 

 A photograph I will never forget was standing across from the Kolob Canyons in New Harmony, Utah on June 9, 2003, my graduation day from the treatment center I had been in since October.

 

 My 2 brothers, Lance and Jamie, are on the ends, my parents are next to me and I am beaming in the middle. I was 14 years old. I clearly remember I was wearing an Allen Iverson jersey, hen still played for the 76’ers, denim shorts and I believe pink and white Etnies. (skater-shoes). I don’t know why in the world I would wear a basketball jersey on such a special day. My hair had grown so long it was nearly to my waist and my roots had grown out very long. But to this day I still think I looked beautiful in that picture. One of the girls in the program, Jasmine, showed me how to use a flat iron to get that obnoxious wave out of my hair. I felt like I was on top of the world. The program itself was called Kolob Canyon Residential Treatment Center.

 

 I was the 9^th girl ever to graduate. For the last 7 ½ months of my life I had been through so much, my dad even had to go through radiation with vocal chord cancer. But we all did it together. This photograph constantly reminds me I am a strong person. To survive Kolob and have that graduation day was epic. It was one of the proudest days in my life and even though I continued to struggle and had to go back into treatment 16 months later, nothing and nobody can take that day away from me. It is always going to be sacred, a journey I cannot even begin to express how proud I was, and my entire family and my “other family” I had created at Kolob. That photograph is always etched into my mind where I can go back and look at it any time I start to feel down.

 

I still remember the 2 songs I played at my graduation ceremony. The first was by The Smashing Pumpkins and we all stood in a circle and rocked back in forth. The song was called: “Mayonnaise” 

 

The lyrics said: “Mother weep the years I’m missing, all my time can’t be given back. Shut my mouth and strike the demons I’m in love and out of feeling so bad. And when I can, I will.”

 

And the second song, in which I was in a cradle held together by the other Kolob girls and my parents was by Lifehouse and it was called: “Crown of Scars” the song’s chorus was so beautiful I knew that was my song. “Now you fly away, and you don’t look down no. And you’ve laughed till you can’t laugh any longer, as you watch your chains fall to the ground.”

 

 And that’s what I did that day, June 9, 2003. I laughed, my chains fell to the ground.

 

 Two years later, Kolob became a torrid nightmare land. The first time I went, I graduated and everything was blissful. I returned to Kolob after staying 5 months at a psychiatric hospital in Houston. Little did I know how wretched and horrible the program had become with new owners, new staff and a whole new degrading system of rules. It was a living Hell. There was a consequence system involving broken rules which followed with 1,000 word essays or whatever the staff wanted you to do and the rule of “No Talk”. It was brutal there and I hated to see a program I once loved and cherished go to hell and a hand basket like that.

 

 I was given a title as “The Reject Graduate” I hated every minute of the 6 months I spent there before being transferred to Moonridge Academy. I have never experienced such horror in my entire life. One girl, Emily, was forced to eat a moth to get her journal back. One girl, Gracey, who had been raped was forced to stay in a dark closet for 3 hours. I could hear her screams during group therapy. We were told to ignore them.

 

My biggest punishment came as a level drop and being put on “Suicide Watch” when I accidently touched a flat iron to my face one morning before ropes course. I was accused of “self-injury”. Excuse me? With a flat iron on my face? If I were to intentionally cut or harm myself I would be smart enough to do it in a covert place. My consequence was not an essay, it was to wear a bathing suit, with big bulky obnoxious winter gloves and haul gravel from one end of the property to another in a wheelbarrow. It was blistering hot August in Southern Utah, I really wanted to die. My hands were bubbling up and I felt as though the flesh was going to peel off, on top of the insecurities I felt wearing a bathing suit. I once struggled with bulimia and this swimsuit did not make things any easier.’

 

I consider all of my past relationships a poeticterm I created called “The Parade of Love” Fidelity once meant nothing to me until I met my husband in 2006. My problem as a teenager (I met Jeff Campanozzi at 18 years old) was that “I was in love with too many things but I hated everything.” That quote came from an alternative band, Papa Roach.

 

However, I found most of my sanity and understanding throughout music. Music has always had power over me. I’ve been through many phases all across the musical board. I’ve had many identities. One day I’ll say I’m punk, the next Gothic Industrial, and the next Emo and the next a Hippie chick.

 

But besides all that dreariness that I have put behind me: music is epical in my life, it is my world and it is so much more than something to listen to. It is a world where I feel I belong. It is a place of sheer acceptance. Music makes me lose control, in a good way. It is a solace piercing time.

I have 12 tattoos, more than half of them are band logos. Sometimes I say that music has saved me, but everyone laughs and says: “Ally, YOU saved you.” I seem to disagree.

 

I associate each of my favorite bands with special times in my life or past people. My ex-boyfriends, in particular. Jory thrived on Pantera, Ethan liked Live, Benton adored Rancid, Kevin swooned over AFI, Steven rocked out to the Sex Pistols, Michael rapped vulgar lyrics all the time from Insane Clown Posse, Zach hung on every word through Slipknot…the list could go on but I will spare the stupid silly details.

 

Jeff and my bands are Stone Sour and the Deftones.  Somehow, music takes control and makes me happy even when I am being nostalgic and melancholy, music has the power.

 

Sometimes I associate bands with periods in my life rather than specific people. For example, Pink Floyd with being in the wilderness program because Andrew, one of the staff, used to blare Dark Side of the Moon and The Final Cut in canyons and the echo of the music seemed to go on forever.

 

 Music seems to go on forever, and ever in my life and it is the solace I feel that gives me a few moments of relief from the struggle of my mind I believe is cursed. Perhaps there are some blessings in this shattered mind?

 

Music lets me know that maybe for a few minutes I can go deeper than this realm I’ve been dabbling in. But there is one more factor that has helped me escape from torment and that would be my husband, Jeff and the love of my family. Nothing is too much for them.

 

Though I may be running from my mind, reality is that a large percentage of it makes me who I am. I write, I paint, I create, I adore…I do so much with this mind on a more intense level than some regular John Smith off the street.

 

 I live my life and I live it with emotion and passion perhaps on a higher degree and this is what I will continue to do. Live, Breathe and Experience all I have become and all I ever will be. I have come to the conclusion that with this mind I am both blessed and cursed.

 

I will not let it handicap me, I will be the spunky artistic poet I was born to be and I will thrive. That’s the best way I can challenge the challenges I have been dealt. If things get really bad I can always go back to that photograph, proudly standing which my family, knowing I did feel complete bliss.

 

 I can think of the character Charlie in Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being A Wallflower when he told Sam and Patrick he felt infinite. I’ve felt that before too in my life. And I’ll stay confident I will feel it again…soon enough.

 

Author's Note

This one means a lot to me, it's straight from my heart.

Reviews

[love, lorey]

This. SO much this.
It made me want to hug you, kiss you, listen to and run with you. Which is completely creepy, yet beautiful all at once. :)
Moving, compelling and honest. As well as very brave.

[Ziggy Jagger SpiderFromMars]

Thank you! What you said means a lot. I feel like I bared my soul with this so I appreciate the support (:

[Clairvoyant]

This is an amazing confession, well written and filled with true emotion. I admire you for being able to write about your pain with such truthfulness. Thank you for sharing.

[Ziggy Jagger SpiderFromMars]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my personal essay! Every word of it is completely true. I don't write non-fiction too often but this just came to me one evening. Again I really appreciate it.

[Clairvoyant]

It was truly my pleasure! You have a wonderful written word. Pain hides behind your writing, like so much pain you must have hidden in your life.

[Arrinae]

This is very well written. I have no critiques.

[Ziggy Jagger SpiderFromMars]

Thank you so much. (:

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

This was very well-written!

The paragraph stating "One last confession that is almost bittersweet: I will openly admit I have been unfaithful to every boyfriend I have had, except the man I married on May 16, 2009. Never once have I betrayed him. Never once have I truly considered it." That, right there, truly is a sign that he was a good man to marry. I have this theory that the temptation to cheat is a sign that the person you're dating is not the right one for you.

I like what you said about music- it does help you transcend yourself and the moment.

[Ziggy Jagger SpiderFromMars]

Thanks so much Cher for taking the time to read my personal essay, I put a lot of effort into it. I agree with what you said that if you cheat that the person is not the right one. My husband is everything to me I could never imagine being with anyone else. I agree with you that music really does as you said "transcend yourself and the moment" Honestly, you couldn't have said it any better! Thanks so much.