My First Senryu

I've never written a senryu in my life. I wanted to try to conver something as complex as the emotions over my brother's passing with something as simple in structure as a senryu.

I've never written a senryu in my life.  One of my friends on the Cafe entered a haiku/senryu contest, and upon seeing the news in my feed, started briefly thinking about the 5-7-5 meter.  I'm not entering the contest, but the idea for this senryu hit me so quickly and hard, that I felt compelled to write it down.  I wanted to try to conver something as complex as the emotions over my brother's passing with something as simple in structure as a senryu.

 

 

 

My Brother is dead;

He died of an overdose.

i could not save him?

Reviews

[Kara Emily Krantz]

first of all, i think this is a great start for your first "haiku" - but i must tell you, that this would not 'really' be considered a haiku, since it is not nature-oriented, but rather personal/emotiona in nature. It would therefore be called a Senryu .... trust me, this stuff is new to me, too. I was unaware of this myself

"My Brother is dead
He died of an overdose
I could not save him?"

the question mark at the end was a little confusing to me. i thought it would have more power if you just ended it with a period. as though it were a statement, not a question. but i understand taht the emotion might be more fo a question in your head. I might also want to put a semi-colon after the first line, so it read more like:

My brother is dead;
he died of an overdose.
I could not save him.

Is there a reason you capitalize brother? if there is, then rock on. if not, then it reads more naturally lowercase.

i didn't mean to write so much or be too critical. i just appreciate the fact that you're trying to do this, i've been there before.... so i thought i'd throw my thoughts out there....
hugs!

[Kelley Pascoe]

Very sad!!! But for a Senryu I think you did a great job!!!
This was your first? Great job!!!
Thanks for sharing.
Kelley Frost