Chapter One, The Sighting

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

Chapter One

The Sighting

 

Overcome with a sensation of nervous pleasure, never before felt, in the pit of my stomach as I, for the first time, was blessed with the entrancing sight of the girl who at the time I could only describe as an angel. But I would later come to understand as something far greater and far more divine. Blood flushed to my cheeks as she gracefully floated past me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic beyond anything I had previously experienced and all my doubts considering love at first sight seemed to drift away when I laid my eyes upon her. If she had taken even a split second of her time to glance at me as she passed me, my heart would most certainly have stopped.

I couldn’t let go of the heavenly trail of fragrance she so majestically left behind her as she moved. Even after she had left I still felt young. I was consumed by happiness and under a spell. I was trapped by her beauty and freed by the one thing I now longed for more than anything imaginable. Her acceptance.

Any duties to which I should have attended would have to wait. For now I was blind to all but this girl who was, in essence, as much a mystery as the universe she inhabited. Yet so very familiar to me like the scent of shame to which I had grown accustomed over the past few seasons. Hit with the realisation she had left me stunned, wrapped in deep contemplation for a number of minutes, I began my pursuit. 

The pace of my feet quickened in tune with that of my heart. Warmed by the light of a dawn of new perception of existence like a dark veil ascending from its perch upon a portrait of Madam Recamier, I gave chase with a subtle attempt to follow the path delicately carved by this Goddess. I wondered if the Heavens would truly favour a heathen such as myself on this day or if their intention was to merely taunt me by gifting me only with the brief glimpse of what was now my passion. A passion fuelling every natural instinct, compromising all rational thought, nourishing a dæmon capable of conjuring desires most un-gentlemanlike. As unlikely as it seemed the Gods for once smiled upon me. Her scent again filled my lungs, I was close.

The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass. For the first time in my life I had but one simple thought that came to mind. To be with the one person whose glimpse had so infatuated me and suddenly adjusted my beliefs on love. My life had meaning. Once again my feet and heart had stopped.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was standing no more than thirty feet from my restless and exhausted body. Startled by her beauty, little beads of sweat formed on my flustered face as I mustered the courage to exchange pleasantries with her. My imagination surprises me with sounds of her sweet voice gently kissing my ears and the touch of her soft hands sliding into mine as we fly freely away from the buzzing hubbub. We live long, happy lives together, hovering outside the realms of reality, doing as we please.

At this point I snapped myself back into my exited and star struck frame and realised that I had placed one too many feet ahead of myself. By chance I landed face to face with the Goddess I had been searching for all my life. Before I had time to shyly allow myself words, she so easily turned her angle and pushed past me without so much as an "excuse me". In no time at all she was gone again, wandering through the thick maze of hustling shoulders. I lost her.

I fondled my chest feeling for the gaping chasm left from having my heart ripped from me by this single act of rudeness. I couldn't forgive my useless self. I was immediately plunged into self hatred. A thick oily sludge crawled down my skin, blocking the outside world. I gagged unable to draw breath as though the air had followed her out of my life, leaving me to suffocate. I was drowning under the thick veil of my own agonising self loathing that was slowly slumping over the earth and painfully extinguishing the awing light she effortlessly evoked from the atmosphere, granting that dreaded darkness entry to my soul.

As the darkness crept into every inch of my body my mind crept out allowing the scene which surrounded me to fade away with all my newly discovered hope. I collapsed to my own feet, and from above I watched the morbid crowd stare in disarray as my body was lifted, ever so kindly, away.

Author's Note

Even more edits and what not :) Hopefully getting better

Reviews

[Lizbeth]

This was a an interesting flight of fantasy into a world of what might be and sudden landing into the world of reality. However in the first and part of the second paragraphs the sentences are extremely long and it would be better to break these into shorter ones. Later, it becomes easier to read.
Loved the sentence: "The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass."
Few typos and suggested corrections : excited, star-struck. I would put the "Exccuse me!" in quotation marks, even though she never said those two small words.
Again, in the last paragraph the long sentences tend to hamper the flow a little, i.e., "A thick ... could perhaps be shortenned a bit, there is possibly a bit too much imagery.
Thanks for sharing
Lizbeth

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you for your help :) I also thought this about the sentences. I consider these as a first draft and there will be much improvement :)

[Lizbeth]

A pleasure ...

[astronaut]

I like it. You're really talented, keep writing. :)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you very much :D

[EileenMarie]

Limited time so I don't usually review books..... The run on sentence in the beginning almost lost me. I am not really into this style either, sorry :( but you asked so I am here...
I do wish you the best of luck as I can see you have some great reviews below!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

No problem :) Thank you

[TheElfPrincess]

First things first, I can be quite a harsh person when giving a critique and I mean no offence or harm, I only want to help.

The first sentence is a run on sentence, enough people will skip this or even stop reading her. Try shortening it, cutting it because run-on sentences are no good.

Okay where am I, who am I, what is going on? I am already confused at the start. Try and discribe where we are as a reader because that is very essential.

Also try pacing it down, truly I have no idea what is going on because everything is going quite fast.

I think this could be a very interesting chapter, but the run-on sentences and no realisation of where we are as reader makes me too confused.

[Wabbajack]

I almost left a review of my own but I saw this one. I completely agree.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Well I have been thinking lately about all of these issues. This is like fresh out my mind type draft so there's plenty of room for improvement. Well see what we can do :)

[MoriartyMesa]

Very very enjoyable, I think i may need to ask one or two questions, but this was very good. But my main question is, do you two guys like it, cause over all your thoughts an minds are on this. Little minor cosmetic edits, but very good.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Hehe we love it and that's why we're writing it :) we didn't even plan on showing anybody.

[Lizbeth]

And now you're getting all kinds of feedback. That's great!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

I know :) its really surprising

[Ricochet]

A very riveting beginning, I enjoyed very much.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you

[Muse]

I agree with Lizbeth. Shorter paragraghs are most certainly better. With that said..like the subject matter in your story...I was captivated...start to finish. Your descriptions and vivid word choices turned this into a theatrical production. We'll done and welcome to Writerscafe.

Muse

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I have tried to shorten the paragraphs as much as possible but thanks again :)

[Marie]

I don't do books; I don't have time. but I have to say this chapter was good.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) It's good to hear that

[daemok]

I very much love descriptive writing. Your style is jam packed with them which easily envoke every detail to be seen clearly even if it is merely a vision. wonderful work.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) Glad you like it

[Andile]

Great chapter I cannot wait to read the next one keep up the good work

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :D

[Clever Forever]

This is so interesting! I will be reading more, no doubt about it. I would also like to say that i love this sentence: "For now I was blind to all but this girl who was, in essence, as much a mystery as the universe she inhabited, yet so very familiar to me like the scent of shame to which I had grown accustomed over the past few seasons." I think it's very expertly written, with the exception of its length. Great story, really well written!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :)