I am a terrible human.

I am a terrible human.

A Chapter by Kirstie Lee

Lizzie gets an idea, one that didn't involve Connor finding out about the baby.


    Dear Baby,

    It has been about three weeks since I last emailed Connor. But I can’t seem to get the nerve to sit down and write to him. To pretend everything is alright. My hands keep shaking and I feel like I have to puke. It might just be you, though. I swear you are eating up every bit of protein I put into my body. Like some energy draining spore.

    Something terrible happened this week, and I just have to write about it. Keeping it in is a little too much.

    I walked into work on Wednesday about ten minutes late. Okay, so I ran. I leaned against my desk taking in large gulps of air. My hair was windblown and spiraling over my shoulders, my pale cheeks blotched oddly with a redness, and I think my jacket was only half way on.

    Monica, the receptionist with the desk next to mine looked up at me with wide eyes that only seemed larger by her glasses. I never came in late, and our firm was a little high-class so looking like you were mauled by a bear was a big fashion “Dumb.” All the girls on the fifth floor were sectaries for the business. Assigned to one or two of the firms lawyers. Adam was mine.

    “I know, I know. I am late.” I said to no one in particular. Juggling my purse and thick folders. They tumbled from my hands onto my desk, knocking over my pen holder to send it crashing to the floor. Janice stopped talking to three other girls to look in my directions. She instantly paled.

     Monica stood up and walked around her desk with her arms wide open.

    “Oh honey, I am so sorry.” She said with a sickening sweet sympathetic voice. I was confused. And I knew it showed by the frown deepening on my lips and the awkward way I patted her shoulder.Oh my god..

    She couldn't know..about the..no.. no way.

    “Uhh Monica?” I questioned, but before I had time to fully get my words out Janice came up behind me and stroked my back soothingly.

     “I couldn’t believe it either when I heard. We will all be here to help you. I am sure the firm will provide you with more work.”

     Wait, wait, wait. I took a step back, out of Monica’s hold, and looked at Janice with my eyebrows raised.

     “What are you talking about?”

      Monica gasped and covered her mouth. Clearly shocked. Damn, that woman was a drama queen. Janice shot a scolding look over to the curly hair brained receptionist and leaned in to whisper into my ear.

      “Adam was involved in a skiing accident last weekend. He died, sweetie.”

       No. F*****g. Way. I sat down then. Right on the floor. All the women started talking at once. Asking if I was alright and so on but I tuned them all out. Adam? Dead? My job was pretty much over. The firm did not cater out to enough Lawyers for all of us secretaries. I would be let go. Goodbye paycheck.

      But what about Adam? He had not tried anything after asking me out to coffee. We ended up falling back into the Boss and Co-worker relationship with ease. The normalcy was really starting to help since I was particularly stressed out these days. I never knew Adam even liked to ski.

     The firm let me go home early. They said to take all the time I needed. I concluded that it was their way of pretty much firing me. The rest of my day was spent bawling my eyes out on my couch, watching another on of those sappy love stories on the Oxygen channel.

     These crappy films were really starting to get to me. I blame you of course. And then, baby, I had an epiphany. A big f*****g plan fell right into my demented mind and I will surely go to hell if there really is one. I dialed Amelia immediately before I chickened out and asked her to come over.

      I thought of something amazing. She told me she was coming over tomorrow. Well today, technically.


    “You are pregnant!?” Amelia screamed. I winced and threw one of my couch pillows at her face. She took it full on but just grabbed it and started to beat my head with it.

     “Ow, f*****g, ow, stop Lia. Jesus Christ. Yes. Pregnant.”

     “What the hell. Who with? How? Wait, don’t answer that. It was merely rhetorical.” She sputtered, shock still on her face. She kept staring at my stomach so I crossed my arms.

      “Adam from work. We had a one night stand about a month ago, and tadah. Only problem is. He, well, had an accident last weekend.” I was horrible. Baby, I really am going to go to hell.

     “What kind of accident? Oh my god, is he like in a coma?” Wow, Lia had an active imagination. Too much General Hospital.

      “No, um, actually he is dead.” I admitted, standing up before she screamed again in my ear and went into my kitchen. My tea-pot was still hot from earlier, and I poured myself another cup. The herbal tea was warm, and comforting. You were making my stomach feel queasy more and more these days.

      “Oh s**t, Lizzie. I am so sorry. Did you love him?” Amelia pulled the pillow against her chest and her face was the very picture of remorse. I hated lying to her.

       “No, seriously, I was drunk the one night. Otherwise I wouldn’t be pregnant. He didn’t know, so everything is fine. I will just have to live with it.”

        “You are seriously going to keep it?” She asked. This time, very serious.

       “Well. Yes. I don’t believe in abortion.”

       “Duh, not abortion, retard. What about adoption?”

       I shook my head, one had sliding down to my stomach. Hell no. I was not letting Connor’s baby be in the hands of total strangers.

      “Lizzie. Think about this reasonably. Alright? Hear me out.” She started, standing up to come stand next to me. “You can’t even keep your gold-fish alive.”

      “That is completely different and you know it, Lia.”

      “How so? You don’t know the first thing about taking care of a baby.”

      “I can learn. Books are still being used, you know.”

      Amelia snorted and threw her hands up with exasperation.

      “Oh sure. Raise your kid via Barnes and f*****g Nobles.”

      “Lia..” I whispered. My eyes were beginning to tear up. She would think it was my hormones. But I knew the truth. I really couldn’t think about letting you go, baby. Connor. F*****g hell, I was in love with Connor. But Lia was right. I have always been an independent screw up. I knew nothing about having a baby. I just didn’t want to let you go. Not when it was Connor who helped make you. You were staring to become something beautiful. Growing inside of me. Just like my emotions for Connor had been planted in the ninth grade, you were the fruit of my unrequited f**k up.

       After about another half an hour rant from Lia, I ended up in tears in Amelia’s arms, and she cried like a baby with me. She swore over her dead grandmother’s body that she would be there for me every moment.

       Your Aunt Lia is amazing. I, however, I am sorry I am not. I am a lying no good person. I took advantage of a man’s death to cover up my hidden love for my best friend who was off in a foreign country cooking strange foods. He didn’t love me like that.

       I figure I would have to tell Connor next. His emails kept coming. The last one had been in all caps.


      S**t, s**t, s**t. Help me, baby. I really wish you could.

© 2010 Kirstie Lee

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Added on January 7, 2010
Last Updated on January 7, 2010


Kirstie Lee
Kirstie Lee

Rome, NY

I am a little esccentric, wild if you must, and terribly blunt. Yet, underneath all the smiles and hyper bubbly exterior; I am very sweet. I love to relax the day away with a good book. To be.. more..