Preview: A Journey North

This is a preview chapter in a story I'm currently planning out. I wanted to post to see how it is received to make any changes accordingly.

            Theo peered cautiously over the jagged boulder and into the valley below. Cold wind coming from the summit above bit at his eyes and nose, but luckily his ragged beard kept most of his cheeks decently warm. Any bit helped, he grimaced.

            “Bjor men, by the looks of them,” Sigurd whispered as he leaned over, not taking his eyes of the scene below. “I count five. That’s not too much for a Braccan and a great warrior like myself, is it?” Theo had to grunt in amusement at that. Sigurd continued, “Hell, add Lyra and this will be nothing.” Sigurd had a point; Lyra’s bow skills were exceptional.

            Theo paused, staring straight ahead. “Alright,” he whispered after a moment. “Lyra, head over to the left. I want you to be a decently good way away from us. When you get set up, let loose. As they take cover, we should still have a direct line of sight to them. Sigurd and I will then let loose with our bows, which will hopefully confuse them. Hopefully between our first attacks three of them will be done for, and let us pray that the other two can be easily picked off without having to resort to swords.” Lyra nodded and began crawling off, using the numerous boulders all around them as cover.

            Turning from Lyra, Theo eyed the men below him. They were huddled around a fire, which appeared to have a spit in the center of it. Dinner, Theo thought. They hadn’t eaten since yesterday, and now the sun was high in the sky. If we wait much longer, the mountains will begin shrouding the pass in shadows. The Narrow Pass might be shorter than the Serpent’s Pass, but daylight was shortened due to the way the mountains sat.

            Theo was still peering below when he heard the sharp intake of breath behind him. He quickly rolled to the side. No!

            Iron came crashing down onto the rock where Theo had just been. Sigurd yelped and rolled away. Theo frantically began pushing himself up while reaching for his dagger. Turning to meet his opponent, adrenaline coursed through his veins. He’s pulling back his sword again!

            Theo danced to the right as the assailant jabbed the sword toward him. The lunge had made the assailant momentarily lose balance, Theo noticed. Now. Theo ran forward and plunged his dagger into the assailant’s stomach. Both men tumbled to the ground, the sword falling out of the man’s grasp. Pulling his dagger out, Theo thrust it up under the man’s chin. A quick jerk and the assailant was still.

            “THEO!” Sigurd yelled frantically. Spinning, Theo and saw Sigurd raising his sword to meet another’s in a loud clang. No, he realized what was happening. They heard the noise.

            Sigurd parried the second blow coming from a helmeted man, which left the man’s right side exposed. Without missing a beat, Sigurd opened the man’s torso and moved to meet the next man.

            Unsheathing his sword, Theo ran toward the fight. Swords meeting, Theo quickly slew one of the men, a young man no older than twenty and as green as a hemlock. Two down of the five, unless there are more. The one who almost killed him in the beginning had been a surprise, and Theo hated to think if there were any more.

            The three other men were on them. We need space, Theo thought with a tinge of fear. Theo knew they could easily deal with them one against one, but three against two…

            One of the Bjor men froze and grabbed his chest, fear and confusion flashing across his face. He looked down to see an arrow protruding from the fur cloak he was wearing.

            Lyra!

            The man’s knees buckled and he fell to a kneel. The two other fur-clad men stopped their approach and shifted their eyes to their dying comrade. A look of confusion grew across their faces as well as they spun around, looking for their invisible foe. Sigurd didn’t waste the chance that opened before him, and he rushed toward the nearest man, hacking away. The man fell quickly without a fight. Theo followed Sigurd’s advance and went to the last man; however, one of Lyra’s well-placed arrows found his throat before Theo was even within sword distance of the man.

            “Is that it?” Sigurd exclaimed breathlessly. He quickly counted the bodies before them. “Five, plus the other guy who snuck up on us. I think that’s it.”

            Nodding, Theo signaled for Lyra to come near, although he couldn’t see her among the boulders. “That first man damn near got me.” Theo was not a man for surprises. “We best should head into their camp and look for anything that might be of interest.”

            A few minutes later, the three of them had descended the steep, rocky hill and walked carefully into the camp. Pointing toward the left side of the camp, Theo ordered Sigurd to search the two tents there. “Lyra, keep watch.”

            Sword out, Theo entered the one other tent. It was larger than the others by almost double, although the other two weren’t that big to begin with. Moving aside the flap, Theo let his eyes adjust to the dim interior. Two candles burned on either side, throwing flickering light everywhere. Sweeping his eyes across, Theo found no other person, thankfully. He trudged in and took note of the belongings. Two fur sleeping pads, a small makeshift table, and a small wooden chest.

            He kneeled down by the chest, examining it. No lock. Upon opening, Theo saw a few pieces of rough paper. Taking them out, he moved beside a candle.

            It’s a map, he quickly realized. There are the Bald Mountains, and the Narrow Pass. Right in the middle of the Narrow Pass was an “X.” Theo grimaced. Above the “X” was an arrow pointing north through the Pass toward Barefort Land. So it’s true. They’re moving out of the mountains, and into the valleys. They had essentially known that much, but this was proof.

            The next question was why.

            The clans of the Bald Mountains have always been content to live in the high, harsh mountains, so why have they been moving out of the mountains?

            Is someone pushing them out?

            Are they running from something?

Reviews

[Liani]

This has loads of potential! You get the feeling of a whole world opening to you even though there isn't much to go on right now. Your descriptions are nicely detailed, without trying too hard which I find frustrating. I found it very realistic and absorbing and would love read more.

[Kyle]

Thanks so much!

[Jonah Parker Ryan]

Really good. I like how you gave personalities to the people they were fighting as well. You describe one as being young and inexperienced, which was a nice touch. So many times I've noticed that writers spend too much time developing their main characters and when they get into a combat situation the people they are fighting are just stock bad guys with no real human qualities other than to swing and sword and die. Describing them, even in death, goes a long way to adding towards the gritty, realism of it.

I was also really intrigued by your world, it seems that you have put a lot of thought into it, the lay of the land, the locations... the world seemed very alive and vivid even though there is very little to go on, as far as this piece goes.

All in all, really good, well thought out, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

[Kyle]

Thanks so much Jonah!

[Gaelan_Hamilton]

Very nice preview. Short and to the point and I got a good sense that you have developed the world in detail. Your characters also have distinguishable personalities which is something a lot of writers struggle with. Well done.

[Kyle]

Thanks so much for the review!