The Bus Trip

A short and true story hearkening back many years.

     So it was like this, see. We were all on a big old converted school bus, heading to California, but there was this paradigm at work, you know? I was caught in the middle, or at least it felt that way. I was having an affair with a Native American, an Arapaho, and he was on the bus as well as everyone from the Red Rocks commune. It was to be one of the adventures of a life-time.

     But the Arapaho, Midge, went silent on me, lying on one of the bunks in the back of the bus.

     The others, very good old friends, were all noisily in the front, gathered around tables and seats near the driver.

     For a while I tried to get Midge to join us, all the commune members.

     I said, "Come on, we can talk with everyone!"

     He said nothing and simply shook his head "no." I hadn't seen him be so obstinate before. It's true that I didn't know him really well, but I liked him a lot. Until this point, he'd been kind and giving and gentle. Now he was like a rock.

     I went to the front of the bus and told Pat and another woman that Midge seemed really unhappy. They said they knew. They also said what I'd heard so often in jest and in oaths - "stay on the bus!" and "don't get off the bus!" I think one of the phrases, at least, came from Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters, who seemed to have started hippies taking long bus rides.

     The Red Rockers had bought an old school bus weeks before, and painted it inside and out, built furniture in it, and now we were finally on the road. As in "on the road!" We were going to California, and though it wasn't often mentioned, the first stop would be Beverly Hills, to visit 'home.' I didn't come from there, but had lived there quite a while and knew the place we'd stop. No fears.

     But Midge just looked out the back window, his face sad and closed. I tried to cheer him, then went again to the front of the bus to cheer myself.

     In Albuquerque, we had to stop for a bit to get a part for the motor. It didn't take our mechanics long to find it and put it in. However, Midge got off the bus there. He said to me, "I cain't go past here. I got to stay with my people. I got to go. Please come with me."

     I was torn, and also pretty stoned. I stood by the driver's seat, surrounded by my friends, and looked at him. He stood on the sidewalk, his things in a paper bag, for gawdsake. He stared at me longingly, and my friends whispered "Don't get off the bus!"

     I turned to Pat and said, "I've got to stay with him. I mean, look at him. I don't want him to be alone here."

     She said, "Are you sure? We don't want you to get off the bus." In reply, I picked up my backpack, put it on and said, "I've got to go."

     Pat said, "Okay, if you're sure. Here, take this." She slipped me a plastic bag full of pot and said, "See you later."

     In that way, I became fully prepared to do something no respectable hippie would do. I got off the bus.

Author's Note

Did you find it easy to picture the characters?
Does the time-frame show?
Do you have any constructive criticism?
Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Brian Shepard]

This is great but it shouldn't be a one off. It reads like a chapter in an epic beat generation roadtrip- like a post modern Dharma bums. Maybe a collection of vignettes. That way the narrators voice could develop a more fleshed out character. Very fun read.

[LJ]

Thanks again for a very kind review! I understand what you mean by continuing a sort of collection of these stories. I wrote several more about the commune, and also the reservation where I lived a bit later (well, these places overlap in time), not to mention the place I call "ski resort country." When I was a kid, I promised myself I'd have "adventures" so I'd have something to write about, and I did and I do. (lol) I hope to entertain you further, and also read more of your work.

[Samuel Dickens]

I had a pretty clear image of bus and occupants. I pictured Midge, also. The period seemed likely to be late sixties to mid seventies. It's an interesting read and the only thing missing was some music.

[LJ]

You're right about the time this took place, and I'm very glad it was clear to you. It does lack music, doesn't it? - lol - Wish I could add a sound track. Thanks a lot for reading and leaving a kind comment!

[Little-Red-Hat]

Great story. I could visualise the characters very well.

[LJ]

Yay! Glad you enjoyed it.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Loved this
Refreshing
Take care

[LJ]

Thank you very much! I didn't see this 'til now, but really appreciate it.

[JayG]

You did ask

• So it was like this, see.

Here we run into the first problem, and it's a killer, I'm afraid. Have your computer read the story aloud and you'll hear how dramatically different what the reader gets is from what you do as you read this.

You're transcribing yourself telling the story aloud. But verbal storytelling is a PERFORMANCE art. HOW you tell the story matters as much, or more than what you say, because virtually all the emotional content comes from the performance: vocal gymnastics, body language, gesture, and facial expression.

Can the reader know where you change intensity and cadence, or pause meaningfully for a breath? No. And while you can tell the reader how a character speaks you can't tell them how the narrator does, which means the narrator's voice is inherently dispassionate.

Can the reader see that frown you use, along with a gesture of negation, to illustrate a character's reaction or mood? Again no.

Since our medium cannot reproduce your performance, you can't use those performance skills on the page and have the reader react to it. But since it works well when you read your own work, like most hopeful writers, you'll not notice the problem.

Another problem is a distancing of the reader from the action because you're overviewing rather than having the characters live the story in the moment. For example, you use "the Arapaho," rather than the character's name. This person was sleeping with the man and she didn't call him by name?

Bottom line: It's not about how well you write, or talent. It's that in our schooldays all we learn are report-writing skills: Nonfiction. Fiction-Writing, though, is a profession, and so, it's methodology is acquired in addition to our nonfiction skills. Reports are meant to inform. But fiction, with a goal of providing an emotional experience, requires a very different approach.

The solution? Add a few of the tricks the pros take for granted and which readers expect to see in use. The library's fiction-writing section is filled with books on the subject. And the book I link to, below, is one of the better ones, and seems to be free. So dig in.
https://b-ok.org/book/2476039/ac87b9

To see how different fiction writing is from what our teachers gave us, you might want to dig around in my writing blog. It's meant for the hopeful writer.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[LJ]

So, I'd say you didn't like this, am I right? lol - Well, I'm sure I can find a way to make it better, especially after looking at your blog. And after reading it aloud.

It's not fiction, though. Does that make a difference to you? I don't know. Yes, I agree it has a "reported" feel to it. That may be because I was reporting something the way it happened. Even the dialogue is as close to how I remember it as I could get it.

Good point about 'the Arapaho' - though I hope it'd be okay if I call him that once.

I'm also dismayed that the line breaks are no longer there when I put a piece of writing here. There's no moment to pause. Do you (please) know why that is and how I can fix it? Manual edits don't work.

In the meantime, thank you very much for reading and leaving your comment. :-D