ice fishing and love, revised

midway between prose and poetry

Molly, what are you doing with a green tarp flapping above you? Why do you stand alone on the lake's frozen white ice? There's black water flowing fierce beneath it. Why did you cut a hole in the ice today? Why do you have a fishing line down, and why are you so hungry? You shiver in the wind under a cloth jacket that covers your probably beautiful freckled skin.

---

My ears are warm in a knit cap that covers my head. It makes Mom let me go outside, so I carefully slide on the ice up toward Molly. I see her mouth smile wide in a silent "hi." The wind howls bad weather over this frozen slick white lake. I shrug small shoulders in my big down coat 'cause I'm not hungry, except when I look at Molly and always blush too much.

---

Who arrives next and pushes me hard on the pearly ice and into black water that splashes on me and in me; who does it? I fall and fill up fast with water-weight that rushes in my head and spreads outward in my lungs and hurts, it hurts so much. Molly grabs my hand and pulls me up safely before she turns and knocks that bully Jimmy so silly he's down and out, cold.

Author's Note

When I wrote this, I was determined to show that too many prepositional phrases make writing passive. When I finished, it seemed alright to me - even active. Now I put it here because I told a friend who wrote about ice fishing that I would.
What do you think?
Would you call this a "prose poem"?
Does it interest you?

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

damn Jimmy....I wanted to see him drown at the end.
I would call this an excerpt of life. I found it engaging from the beginning. Knew something was going to happen that wouldn't be good, just what happen was a bit unexpected.
But Molly caught the biggest fish at all, saving a life.
j.

[LJ]

Thank you for reading and for the review! I don't know if Jimmy ever recovered from Molly's blow. I kept this very short as a little experiment, but the characters took over and made me write what you see here. I'm very glad they did. I like two of them a lot.

[Betty Hermelee]

Yay for kids!! sometimes they are so smart and quick. In this instance that was surely true. A lovey tale of ice fishing, and no one really gets hurt. And yay for Molly's bravery in knocking down that bully!! Nice write!

[LJ]

Haha, thank you! I'm happy that you got so involved in this microfiction, and that you enjoyed it. Yay for kids is right!

[Dave Brown]

Personally, I am usually too lazy to read prose and I much prefer understandable, reasonable length poetry, that rhymes.
Your question and my answer would not exist had Molly not been there.
Where do those idiot Jimmy's come from
anyhow

[LJ]

Personally, I really appreciate your honesty, taste, and answer. Idiot Jimmy-s come from a need for conflict, at least, that's why he's here. Sort of. lol