The Four Pigmen of the Aporkalypse

Something I was goofing around with. Haven't written in a while.

The Four Pigmen of the Aporkalypse
Legion
18SEP17

So, you see this thing happened to Us last Sunday night and We're in a bit of a ham...er, We mean jam because of it.
Ok, just to be clear this thing didn't really happen to Us so much as We made the thing happen.
Yea, We know that sounds like Us but We're really in a bit of a pickled pigs' feet situation so We could really use some help.
We'll get to that in a minute but right now We have to go back to the beginning so you'll understand how We screwed this up like We did. Away We go.

In the beginning...

Well, maybe not that far back. Just to Sunday night.

We, the boys and Us, were having our weekly poker night. You know the boys don't you?

Well, it was War of course, and Death followed by Famine and Pestilence. Y'all might know them better as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They and We, the Legion, get together each week to let off steam and play some cards. It's hard work galavanting across the globe and wreaking havoc everywhere so this is what we do to unwind. This week we were missing a player though. That was probably part of the problem and how things got out of Our heavily ham fisted control.

Ol' Luce couldn't make it. Said something about a meeting in the desert. Maybe he said it was in Georgia. Don't remember for sure. Said he was gonna be gone for a bit so probably would miss the next few games or so. Oh well, his loss. Wasn't going to be the same without our all-time favorite dealer. Real good with the cards that Luce is. Hard to beat. Pretty much have to just throw down on him. Really shakes him but still a damn good bluffer no matter. He usually keeps the game under control so things don't get to rambunctious. Unfortunately, he was definitely missed that night.

Anyway, We knew it was gonna be a damn pisser of a game right from the first bat that went flying by. Pestilence was supposed to bring the damn chips and the beer but forgot them. Makes Us sick the way he does sometimes. Cheap b*****d probably did it on purpose in Our opinion. Probably would have brought rotten crap anyway. He apologized profusely but Famine kept bitching about it and saying how his sugar was gonna get low and he'd get all sickly and pale if he didn't get something to eat soon. Death sat quietly in the corner just grinning at him. At least We think he was grinning. He ain't got no lips so it's hard to tell for sure. Kinda creepy really.

Anyway again, War finally had enough of Famine's griping and gave him a bit of a knock on the noggin with the blunt side of his axe to stop the ranting.

After the above pleasantries were finished, it finally got down to the business of playing cards.

Since Luce wasn't here to call the game, or deal, War decided to do the honors. Now normally we play games like Hold'em and Five Card Draw. Your usual standard poker games of course. That night War being War decided he wanted to play a card game called War.

Yea, go figure.

We hadn't played that game since We were a young piglet but We still remembered how. It's the one where you and your opponent(s) each lay a card face up from their pile of cards they are dealt-face down-at the beginning of the game and the one with the higher card wins the pile of cards and you keep going until one player has all the cards in their pile and they are declared the winner of the game of War.

Everybody groaned about it. Everybody except Death of course. He doesn't have any lungs or vocal cords to moan with. He just rattled his bones a bit.

On a side note, We wonder why we never play dice instead of cards. We bet Death would be good at rolling the bones. Head scratcher that one.

Again with the anyway, as We stated we all thought the idea was horrid but it was War and how do you argue with him after all. Nothing short of going nuclear for sure.

So we all sat down at the table and cards were dealt. We could hear Famine's stomach growling. Noticed he kept staring at Us like We were some big damned honey baked ham. We let it go for the sake of the game. Did sit across from him though with the table between us just in case.

War dealt the cards and we commenced. The game lasted for some time and was intense. One at a time, Our opponents were put out by losing all their cards until it came down to Us and Death.

Yea, you'd think War would have made it that far but he didn't. He was pissed about it too. Threatened to annihilate the entire world because of it. Had to talk him down to some mild skirmishes and clashes throughout his favorite stomping grounds near Mt. Megiddo. He was cool after that. As cool as War can be considering. Sort of.

Anyway as always, Death sat across from Us with his lipless grim reaper grin.

By the way, he hates that term. He's not at all that grim of a being. He loves his job and has tenure so he can't really lose it. Got a wicked sense of humor as well. Dark at that.

The final battle before us, not the real one y'all call Armageddon but the card game, took some time. It kept going back and forth until that bony a*s dude finally pulled out the victory. After all, as cliche as it seems, Death always wins in the end.

It wasn't his winning that set in motion what happened though. It was the aftermath.

When the final card was placed and his victory was assured he began laughing and making snorting noises like a pig would. More of a death rattle really considering the no vocal cords thingy. Don't know if it was intentional or not in rindsight but it irked Us as We thought he might be making fun of Our portly porcine inclinations. This laughter also set off the other patrons whom all began to laugh and make those piggy snorts as well. Felt like they were all laughing at Us and mocking Us.

We were very upset so We squealed out of there as fast as We could. Once outside though We immediately calmed down when We saw their four horses tied off to the rail of the porch of the ranch house we always played at. We were quick to think of a hell of a prank to get back at them. A little too quick in rindsight perhaps but it is Our mess none-the-less. We decided to steal their horses and replace them with some of the pigs that pull Our chunk wagon. It was brilliant! Or so We thought.

Anyway, We did the deed and now We find Ourselves asking for help from the lot of you. We left them the pigs. That in itself is a hoot. Imagine the Four Horsemen having to waddle around on some fat pigs across the globe. What a hilarious spectacle that will be. Of course they're after Us now trying to get their horses back. Not really a thing for Us as being the Legion grants a certain privilege amongst the hellions as well as a limited immortality. No, Our real problem and the reason We are turning to each of you that have heard this plea in hopes that someone out there can help, is that We don't know a damn thing about horses. What do We do with them? What do they eat? Not pigs We hope. Do they need litter boxes? Do We have to play fetch with them? What language do they speak? Obviously not Pig Latin. We've tried that but to no avail. They just stand there looking at Us with those big "damn y'alls an idiot" looking eyes.

So, in retrospect, this probably wasn't a good idea but any answers and help would be much appreciated. Might even be a holiday ham in it for anyone that can provide assistance or, better yet, take them off Our hands. But be warned if you do take them from Us, the Four Pigmen might come looking for you eventually. Try not to giggle when you see them though.

Reviews

[Robert Francis Callaci]

Hilarious---an oddly odd treat--the ending was a kicker. I love stories like this especially when they are written well. You still got those writing bones. I haven't been on here in a while as well and was delighted when I saw your piece. You didn't disappoint. Flash fiction at its best...

warmest
bob