The House

The House

A Story by Leslie Flemons
"

This is a contest entry for the contest "Prompts". It's about a timid teenage girl named Gabrielle who had to deliver pizza to a mysterious-looking house.

"
The door was unlocked.
Hesitantly, I pushed the wooden door open slightly with my right hand and held the rectangular Pizza Hut box with my left. Before I could push the door further, I took a glance at the interior of the house and noticed that there was dust nearly covering the entire room, torn furniture, and a chandelier that looked as if it were about to separate itself from the ceiling.
Finally, I slowly pushed the door further and stepped inside the ominous residence.
"Hello?" I said weakly. "Is anyone here? Did someone order a pizza?"
I began to walk around to find the owner of the house. As I walked around, I found another door at the back corner of the room. Filled with nervousness combined with curiosity, I reached the rusted door knob and opened the door, revealing a dark basement. As I flipped the lights on, the darkness disappeared. As quietly as I could, I stepped down the stairs, but each time my feet touched the steps, the stairs would create a loud creak. As I reached the bottom, I looked around the basement and it looked just as worse as the living room.

"Hello?" I asked again. "Is anyone here?"

Suddenly, I heard a deep moan.
My heart began to pound as I whipped my head around to find where the noise was coming from. "Wh-who's there?"
That was when I noticed a dark figure approaching me...with a knife in its hand!
Tears of horror began streaming down my face as I shielded myself with the Pizza Hut box. "Please don't hurt me! I'm just a young girl trying to deliver pizza!"
The unidentified figure continued to approach me.
As quickly as my feet could carry, I bolted upstairs, tears still stained on my cheeks. I quickly ran towards the bathroom, which was across the basement, and pulled my cell phone to call my manager, Mr. Rodgers.

"Come on!" I muttered to myself. "Please pick up! Please!"
"Hello?" Relief filled my body as I heard my manager's voice.
"Mrs. Rodgers!" I cried.
"Gabrielle?" he asked, sounding concerned. "What's going on?"
I began telling him about the strange event about the mysterious figure, but Mr. Rodgers didn't seem to believe me.
"Listen, Gabrielle. You need to stop watching those horror films. They could give you some delusions. Now, get back to work, alright?"
"But, I'm not-"
Before I could continue, I heard the sound of clicking on the other line, indicating that Mr. Rodgers hung up. I groaned of frustration.
I carefully walked out the bathroom and looked around to see if the figure was still in sight. Fortunately, there was no sign of it. After sighing of relief, I tiptoed towards the stairs for the upper level. As my foot lightly tapped against the wooden step, the excruciating creaking noise returned. A light sigh departed from my lips as I continued making my way towards the third story. As I reached the upper floor, I noticed that there were only two doors. One was the bathroom. The other was a dark room. Slowly, I entered the room. My heart began to pound as I entered. After stepping into the room, I heard a loud slam sounding behind me. I turned around and realized that the door was closed. Quickly, I dropped the pizza box, ran over to the door and tugged the doorknob as hard as I could, but the only result was the doorknob attached from the door.
"There you are," an unusual voice whispered.
I looked around the room, even though all I could see was complete darkness. "Wh-who's there?" I stuttered.
"I've finally found you," the voice spoke again, causing my heart rate to increase.
I picked up the box and used it as a shield. "St-stay back!"
As I began to hear the terrifying sounds of footsteps walking towards me, I again ran towards the door and pounded against the door until my fists began to ache.
The closer the footsteps, the faster my heartbeat increased.
"Help!" I began to shout at the top of my lungs. "I'm trapped! Someone please rescue me!"
Finally, the mysterious person clamped its hand against my shoulder, causing my eyes to flood with tears.
"PLEASE HELP ME!" I increased the volume of my voice as I continued pounding against the door.
The door finally opened, revealing a male police officer.
Relief again wrapped around me. 
"Oh, thank goodness you're here, officer!" I cried as I quickly stepped out of the eerie room. "There was someone in there trying to murder me!"
The policeman looked behind me and frowned in confusion. "All I see is darkness," he said.
I quickly turned on the lights of the room, but as I did, the unidentified person was not found. Was Mr. Rodgers right? Was this all really in my imagination? I began to remember that I was watching Paranormal Activity with my friends last night, which probably were the cause of my delusions.
I turned back to the policeman and flashed him an innocent smile. "I'm sorry, officer. While I was in the room, I heard a voice whispering to me."
"What did the voice sound like?" he asked me.
I tried to think of how I should describe the ominous voice. "I wasn't sure exactly what it sounded like because it was whispering."
"Well, what did it say to you?"
"It said that it finally found me."
"Well then, you were probably imagining things, hon."
"I think you're right, officer," I told him. "I watched a horror film last night with my friends."
"Hmm," he said. "Don't you think those are the reasons why you are having these scary delusions?"

"Probably," I chuckled.
The man eyed the pizza box that I was holding. "Oh, you work at Pizza Hut?"
I nodded. "Yes, sir and I was supposed to deliver pizza for this house, but apparently, this house is vacant, so I think my boss gave me the wrong address by mistake."
"That would make sense," the officer said. "And you are correct about the house being vacant. No one has lived here for over a hundred years."
I was puzzled by his knowledge of the house. "How do you know that?" I inquired.
"Believe it or not, my late great grandmother used to live in this house."

The statement that he just made intrigued me. "Really?"

The officer nodded.
As we began walking down the creaky stairs, he proceeded his story. "Ever since she passed away, her neighbors began spreading rumors about it being 'haunted'." He began to chuckle.

I laughed as we exited the creepy house. "Well, they're stupid," I responded.

© 2015 Leslie Flemons


Author's Note

Leslie Flemons
Again, this is for a contest. This is just a draft, but feel free to give some helpful commentary. I was trying to make this story as creepy as possible, but I'm not the best at writing horror stories. I also might change the title. Thanks for reading, anyway! Have a great day/afternoon/night! :)

My Review

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Featured Review

It was a fun read, great atmosphere!

Regarding style I noticed that you used "began..." 12 times (e.g. "I began to walk...", "my heart began to pound...", "Tears of horror began streaming...", "I began telling him...", etc.) My advice would be to get rid of all the "began"'s, they serve no real purpose and just slow the story down.

Nevertheless a very good story, well done!


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is good a good story. This story gave me a feeling of suspense and then a feeling of feeling relieved at the ending of the story.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

It was a fun read, great atmosphere!

Regarding style I noticed that you used "began..." 12 times (e.g. "I began to walk...", "my heart began to pound...", "Tears of horror began streaming...", "I began telling him...", etc.) My advice would be to get rid of all the "began"'s, they serve no real purpose and just slow the story down.

Nevertheless a very good story, well done!


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You're a good story-teller, Leslie. Just like in the movies, your character continues through the house while the audience screams, "Get out of there! What are you doing?" Some hints for improving--you can tighten this up by practicing greater economy of words.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

These are exactly the kinds of stories I like to write. Almost throwback tales of ridiculous horror of the 70s and 80s. Michael Myers type stuff.
I think there are some really nice sections here! I will say this, the ending took me by surprise, because I was almost expecting the officer and/or PH manager to be in on it! Haha!
Now THAT would have been much like the stuff of yesteryear... a Scooby-Doo mystery! :)

Nice work, though.
I see a couple of parts that could be strengthened to increase the 'creepy' factor. And strengthen your writing in a couple of areas.

Also, minor correction you may have missed. I think you meant the doorknob DEtached from the door, not attached.
Nice work, it was a fun read with a real mood.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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330 Views
4 Reviews
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Added on June 26, 2015
Last Updated on June 30, 2015
Tags: thriller, suspense, scary, horror, door, creepy, house, frightening

Author

Leslie Flemons
Leslie Flemons

Louisville, KY



About
Hello, everyone! My name is Leslie and I am nineteen years old. I just finished my freshman year of college today. YAY! I can be pretty quiet and shy around people, but I also can be pretty funny .. more..

Writing