Annabel

Please read my story, "The Blue Elk" first

Cell 159

Inhabitant: Annabel Sandrake

 

“You enjoyed sticking it in me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! You sure fooled me, I deserved it I suppose but still…..” She laughs hysterically, “……I showed you, you son of a…..”

The light flickers

“It started in elementary school didn’t it? You were so nice back then.  Every day you and I would play on the swings together, pick flowers by the fence of the playground, and….when I fell you would bring me a bandage…..We stayed friends for years, getting closer each day until we decided to be together. I remember the feel of your soft hands, the feeling of your hair when I ran my fingers through it, your touch…..For years we were happy together and then……”

She looks up and screams with a gargantuan shriek

“WHAT DO YOU DO?...on the night we made love for the first time you tell me, YOUTELL ME THAT YOU ARE LEAVING ME FOR THAT PLASTIC PUBESENT POLE DANCER FROM OUR GYM CLASS!!!!!!!!!” She again laughs manically, “You made me sit there day after day watching her sit on your lap, sucking on your ear just to tempt a response from me. Well you got a response from me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! I saw how you always looked at those….things of hers when she bent over and I knew that is when you were most distracted, so I just made a little ‘snip snip.’” She snickers “oh the thud was stupendous, and her scream was music to my ears. Then another ‘snip’ and….” She grins, “She was silenced.”

A wicked smile came across her face, and then said sarcastically, “My favorite part was when the prosecutor asked me ‘Did you cut he lines to the sand bag above the male deceased and then preceded to cut the straps holding the schools wrestling mats tugther, thus causing the deaths of both deceased?’ and I said ‘wow your grammar sucks, duh I cut them you twat waffle!’ her reaction was priceless! I guess the judge felt I belong in this damp place. Especially after my lawyer tried the make a move on me….and I bit her tongue out when she tried to kiss ME!” She is laughing so hard she is crying.

“Annabel, SHUT UP! You are disturbing the other inmates…” said the prison nurse.

“Oh you the women with the fat butt is going to tell me to shut up? HA, yeah right! You can take those pills and shove them….”

“ORDERLY!” screamed the nurse. Two orderlies appeared, “Tied her down so we can feed her the daily dose.” The two big men came in the cell and strapped her down, her screaming vulgarity the whole time. Eventually she was strapped down and they injected a liquid version of her medicine. She calmed down again. She remained calm for a long time, especially since the nurse pumped her full of three times the dosage necessary…

“Hey nurse!” yelled an inmate. The nurse went over to the next cell. “Cell 160....why are you bent over?”

“Unlike that stupid woman I am more than willing to take my medicine” said the man laughing at the disgust of the nurse.

“Ugh, your last meal will be here soon.” She scowled

“AWWWWW you’re no fun, same time tomorrow? Oh wait, I am going to die tomorrow, well I guess I shall see you in the lustful level of hell” He said with a smile. “Looks like things are getting interesting tonight….”He sneers at the nurse as she wheels her cart away.

Author's Note

I need a title, suggestions?

Reviews

[H-Jonesy]

God that was wonderfull! ive have honestly been looking for a good book to keep up with and ive found it!.
my only suggestion would be to add some more detail, it will make your piece longer and more interesting. but great great job. please keep it up

[Ashley Black]

really really well written good job i enjoyed it thoroughly

[E. A. Fielder]

Wow this was really captivating so far. crazy people. My mind is lost...

[The Perfectionist]

Now the prison nurse may have a fat butt, but she is a 'woman' not 'women'. Also, there should be a space in 'YOUTELL', and you need a C in 'PUBESENT'

The ending is a bold but rather pointless attempt to make this chapter about anything other than Annabel.

I have a few complaints about this, and before you go an ignore them, I'd like to point out that I DO recognize that she's supposed to be all over the place, but there are some things that does not excuse.

For one thing, your pacing is out of whack. Annabel glosses over some things, then goes into intricate detail on some other things. If she really had a photographic memory, she would be detailed everywhere. She's also talks in surprisingly high language for a crazy girl (and judging from the surrounding text, she's not too old either).

Your grammar is also pretty bad, but I mostly blame that on the fact that you've made this chapter largely dialogue, and that always creates an extra challenge to be grammatically accurate.

I would suggest writing this all in past tense; it's easier than present tense, and if this trend is going to continue it'll make the dialogue a lot easier to write and a hell of a lot easier on the reader.

[Halkhend]

wow this is good :)

[Aldora Sparrow]

You say this is edited, but I'm not convinced that that, however much you did, is enough. True, the basis is set, but you should elaborate more on it. Description would help tremendously. you should also play around with the format of the whole thing. A few times my eyes skipped to the wrong line and I had to go back. Take a look at some of the grammatical errors. It was certainly interesting to read and I think you should make it easier to read so others can enjoy the whole beauty of it

[The Analog Kid]

I dig the insanity!

[JenLyn]

Very dark, madness, insanity, very crazy and intense!!! An awesome write!!! Keep it up!!! :) KUDOS TO YOU!!!

[Havatara]

Fantastic job. I was sort of confused because you jumped around a lot, but that ws because she was crazy, right? And what do you mean, "She remained calm for two days"? Does that mean she got back on her normal crazy schedule afterwards, or she died? I guess I'll have to read on and find out.

[Star Wolf]

Scary place!

[Tina Kline]

Nicely dark.