The Nurse

The second chapter to my novel.

The nurse is a medium heighted woman. Like the prisoners said, she has a large behind yet the rest of her is thin and proportional. Her face is covered in too much makeup, as if she has a problem with herself. She is proud of the fact that she is so clean and neat; she adjusts her uniform constantly and makes sure everything is pressed properly.

A calm smile comes across her face as if she has just proven a point; her strut is that of someone who is walking to the grove of a song, and yet inside she feels a sense of desperation and need. She is walking down a dim lit corridor; it does not seem to end, it is a long line of doors on both sides, the buzz of the fluorescent lights a-fervor. She starts to change physiologically; as if a new personality has entered her mind.

She begins to get anxious, jittery and paranoid. Finally she gets to the nurses lounge; it is a dimly lit room that smells of cigarettes and rubbing alcohol. The other nurses are reading their magazines and talking amongst themselves. She slowly walks to the coat room and puts something into her coat’s pocket. The room is dark so she thinks she has cover, until…

“Maggie? That you?” a nurse said.

She turns and looks at the nurse, bewildered.

“Sorry, you scared me there…” she pulls out a set of keys “…I thought I lost my keys…I was just making sure I still had them.” She gives a fake smile.

The nurse smiles back and gives a nod, then leaves.  A look of disgust goes over Maggie’s face; she pulls the bag out of her pocket and begins to caress it as if it were a baby. She then gives a moan and puts it away. “Very soon” she said, “very, very soon.” She looks back to make sure no one is around and puts it back in her pocket, then put her coat on and walks out of the room.

She engages in some small talk to pity the nurses but quickly exits the room. Corridor after corridor she walks down, her pace quickening. She begins to jog, her shoes echoing down the hall, a frantic look on her face. She finally gets to her car; she looks as if she had just run a marathon, sweat dripping down her arms, face and hair. She is trying to unlock her car but is so disheveled that she drops her keys.

She takes a seat on the concrete for a second, takes a deep breath and says “Calm down Maggie, just make it home and you will be fine. You did your part and you will get one more and the go to rehab.” She picks herself off the ground, gets in her car and drives off.

The drive is so long for her. She counts the trees as she speeds down the long stretch of road. The darkness is like a veil blocking her vision. She begins to become anxious again and presses full speed on the pedal. Finally her house is in view, her tired screech as she slides into her driveway, knocking trash cans over.

After a long drive home she scrambles into her house. She locks the doors, pulls the curtains shut and goes to her room. With a heavy sigh of relief, she takes the contents of her pocket and puts it on her bed. She puts her coat and clothes away and puts on a night gown. She grabs the bag and sits cross legged on her bed. She opens the bag, and puts a little bit on the tip of her finger and just stares at it, smiling intently.

 She puts the powder to her nose and takes a long, deep sniff; engulfing the powder into her nose. She then proceeds to snort, in lines, the entire bag. She seems happy for a moment, but then she goes into shock. Blood pours out of her nose, and she cannot breath. She starts to convulse and minutes later, dies a slow, painful death.

 

 

“I wonder if she is dead by now. She is such a dumb addict. She should have known when she touched the powder that it wasn’t coke but she was so in need of a fix, I don’t think she cared.” He laughs maniacally while jingling a set of keys, “that b***h was dumb enough to snort anthrax, and now, thanks to her, my plan is now in motion...”

Author's Note

This is an edited version of the original

Reviews

[MissWordSmith]

ah.. loved the way this was paced. so quick and entertaining! i see you figured out how to send requests :P glad you did, this is a great write.!

[Ruth]

I think this is excellent. Great descriptions and dialogue. You set the scene very well and create an atmosphere that draws you in:) Really good Starfox:) Poppy xx

[Tori]

I wanna know what happens next. It was very good. Makes me kinda not trust nurses.

[James Watts]

A calm smile comes across her face as if she has just proven a point; her strut is that of someone who is walking to the grove of a song, and yet inside she feels a sadness. It is the sadness of losing a friend, a lover, and a soul mate. She is walking down a dim lit corridor; it does not seem to end and she starts to change; as if a new personality has entered her mind.

First Sentence try rewriting. This an example so feel free to use your own words.( She struts as if moving to the beat of music and a knowing smile crosses her face, an illusion to mask her sadness.) Third sentence try: (She walks down a long, dim lit corridor, her feet whispers over the tile. Her anxiety deepens as she draws nearer to her destination.)

Another thing I noticed was on dialogue. When changing speakers separate start a new paragraph.

This will be an interesting story just keep an eye on structure and tense and you should be fine. As with my previous review I used the first paragraph as an example. I hope this helps.

[Dread Solomon]

This is pretty good!! You sure you're new to writing stories?

'She is trying to unlock her car but is so disheveled that she drops them.'
What's 'them'?

[Manda]

yes a also agree with everyone! nicely done

[Jacqueline Lopez]

YEAH, I'M LEFT WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS NEXT AND I DO LIKE THIS ONE A LOT, BECAUSE THE STORY IS VERY CLEAR SO, FAR SO GOOD. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[Ashley Black]

It's really good although I do think you need more showing not telling. and in some parts some clarification. A couple parts confused me but overall it was good. :] I enjoyed it. Keep it up. Oh and be careful watch out for use of tenses when talked about the girl sometimes you use past and sometimes present.

[Dane Osborne]

I liked this man. I haven't read the first chapter myself but it was very well written and expressed. There were some typos throughout but that happens to us all. Thanks for sharing.

[Frantzuu]

Great chapter so far, I just feel that the length took away fro the story, Hopefully you don't have a word limit, my suggestion would be to make it a little longer if you're writing a book. But great job though :D