Withered Love

Withered Love

A Poem by Mariwel Lao

The warm sky continues to shine
as if telling me you're still mine
holding hands in between of a broken line
while I sigh, waiting for that intangible sign

As my heart begin to weep
I break a promise that I can't keep
You look at me with your dumb faithful eyes
finally, in your hand you held the prize.

Soon, all the magical words have died
all the smiles turned into cry
thought our love would be revived..
it's just happened we didn't survive

But still, you want me in your side 
your penetrated gaze feels I'm your bride
even I have told you so many times
Our love started with hot kisses but ended in cold goodbye..

© 2017 Mariwel Lao


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Featured Review

When love died. Died badly.
"But still, you want me in your side
your penetrated gaze feels I'm your bride
even I have told you so many times
Our love started with hot kisses but ended in cold goodbye.."
I liked the honest tone and truth of the above lines. When the love is gone. Run. Thank you Mariwel for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thanks! I appreciate it.. :)
Coyote Poetry

4 Years Ago

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.



Reviews

Aloha Mariwel, honest and very confronting truths! Heavy with emotion, well expressed. Izzy

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thank you! :) much appreciated. :)
wow wee!! that last line feels so cold but desperate. I really enjoyed this write. So very nicely written.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Hi! Thank you for reading my poem.. :) It's feels good to know you enjoyed it! :)
When love died. Died badly.
"But still, you want me in your side
your penetrated gaze feels I'm your bride
even I have told you so many times
Our love started with hot kisses but ended in cold goodbye.."
I liked the honest tone and truth of the above lines. When the love is gone. Run. Thank you Mariwel for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thanks! I appreciate it.. :)
Coyote Poetry

4 Years Ago

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.
Seems to need a bit of work.

Logically, it doesn't work . Someone who has "faithful eyes," and is seen as dumb, is the same one who, in the next stanza is hoped would revive love, without ever having it lost. And in the following this same person feels our protagonist is his bride. Perhaps you're saying that the speaker, for unknown reasons, has stopped loving the character, but the important word is, perhaps. You know. The characters know. But the reader... In S1L2 you say, "As if you're still mine. But the thrust of the poem is that he is, and that it's the protagonist who's changed, which doesn't track.

And in line with that you say, "the magical words have died," but give no reason. I suspect that a good deal of the story is still in your head. And since the reader has only the words you provide...

From a structure standpoint, you you need to focus more tightly on prosody. Your lines wander from iambic to trochaic (S1L3, S2L1 & 4, S3L2 & 3) unpredictably, and while number of feet are constant, which is good, it goes to hell on the last line. But, are the words "hot" and "cold" really necessary there? Love implies passionate kisses, and a goodby of the kind mentioned is inherently cold. And without them it scans properly.

Sorry my news isn't better.

Hang in there, and keep on writing,

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 4 Years Ago


love,it has a sharp side as well,i guss we all bleed sometimes

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Yes it has.. Thanks for reading! :)
I'm kind of getting the point of this poem.
For me, it is quite heart breaking and cold at the same time.

I feel like the lines are well written as if they're made for each other, but the characters in this story are not. ;)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thanks! because you've felt the emotions in my poem.. :)

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197 Views
6 Reviews
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Added on May 1, 2017
Last Updated on May 1, 2017
Tags: Love, Pain, Agony

Author

Mariwel Lao
Mariwel Lao

Tarlac, 3, Philippines



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My Love My Love

A Poem by Mariwel Lao



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