My Love

My Love

A Poem by Mariwel Lao

Your voice is like a melting honey

Your smile is as warm as coffee

Your calmness reminds me of the sea

Your eyes take me to eternity.

 

 I’m not pretty like models on the floor

Nor do I have body to die for

But, if there would be one thing I could do,

It is to write a thousand words for you.

© 2017 Mariwel Lao


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A very beautiful poem for your love. :)

Posted 3 Years Ago


A thousand words for love lead to a million words of gratitude. I liked the poem. Sweet, honest and realistic. Thank you Mariwel for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

3 Years Ago

Thanks much Coyote. :)
Coyote Poetry

3 Years Ago

You are welcome Mariwel.
Needs tightening/editing. I don't know what "a" melting honey is—though it suggests a melting girlfriend to me. 😮

Warm as coffee doesn't work because most people drink it—or at least get it— hot.

And can mentioning the sea remind the people in Florida of calm this week—or at all? The see is moody, remember.

And yes, I know your intent with "models on the floor," but aren't models found more often on a runway? Doesn't "on the floor,' imply that they're dead, too?

I know you used it to make a rhyme for the next line, but never force the line to the rhyme, it's too obvious o the reader, and detracts.

You might want to read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's a super introduction to the structure of both language and poetry, and well worth the time to read.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 4 Years Ago


Complicated has a way of drawing a "knowing" smile.

Posted 4 Years Ago


who could want more ? love always wins in the end

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

yes I agree. :)
 wordman

4 Years Ago

you`re welcome

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5 Reviews
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Added on September 11, 2017
Last Updated on September 11, 2017
Tags: love

Author

Mariwel Lao
Mariwel Lao

Tarlac, 3, Philippines



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