The Mind of a Man

a rough draft of a story I started.

She lies in bed reading, waiting for his return. It is late again. 

He is always late, she expects nothing less. It is how their life has been for the last three years.

She is mostly numb to it now. This loneliness that she feels has become her lover, for they have courted for some time. What happened to her life? It was not what she had planned. It was not supposed to be this way. 

Is this how it is for most women whose husbands are married to the job? Or worse yet,

having an affair? She can't think of it. It is better to live in denial than to entertain such 

thoughts. It is better that he comes home than for him not to come home at all. She is not sure if she could live without him, no matter how little he is involved in her life. She scoffs at herself for even living with that philosophy. But it is the lesser of the two evils. The other way hurts too much.

The book she is reading is quite good and it helps her to escape the harsh realities of her life.

It is a book about the life of a young girl in India. The expectations and lifestyles are so 

different from those in America. A few times she cries at the tragic experiences this young girl has lived through. It somehow makes it easier to live in the situation that she finds herself in now.

She has learned to occupy herself with hobbies and activities. She takes dance lessons on Tuesdays. Most of the couples that attend the class are married. Another stab in the heart. But she quickly pushes those depressing thoughts aside. It is just another nail in the coffin of her dead marriage. She dances with an old man named Gerald who is widowed. He lost his wife to cancer four years ago. He is a sweet old man. She likes him a lot. He is good to his children and grand children, she admires him for it. They dance well together even though he is a little slow.

On Thursdays she goes to the theater to practice for a play that she is involved in. She tries out every fall for the Christmas play put on by the local theater. She usually gets a small part. This year it is the biggest part she has had yet. She is proud of herself. Though, no one is there to share it. Her husband has never been to a show. She doesn't complain about it. Why should she? If he really wanted to be there, he would. She shouldn't have to ask and this kills her inside. She loves her husband more than she has ever loved anyone. 

On the weekends, he is home some of the time, that is if he is not out playing golf or attending meetings out of town. Sometimes they go see a movie together, but its usually the one he wants to see. She doesn't complain about that either. She just tries to be the supporting wife that he expects. Inside she is screaming for his attention. This weekend she will be alone. He has another meeting in Chicago. She hates that town. She has never been there, but he has a million times. And what is so glorious about Chicago anyway? From what she has read on-line about this windy city, it is quite busy and scary.

Yeah, its scary alright, scary thinking that he is there enjoying another woman's company. 

Again she tosses the thoughts aside. If she continues, she will fall into another one of those depression modes that takes days to get out of. The only way she can survive is to not allow the thoughts. Just keep them at bay. And it is such a struggle at times. It consumes her, for it is never settled in her mind, questions always surface. And none of them get answered.

She slowly closes her eyes and allow the promise of peace to consume her dreams. 

It has been a long five years with her husband and she fears the worst. That this will never get better. The fear grips her heart and takes her breath away. What can she do? She tried talking to him about it in the beginning of their marriage, but all he did was get angry. Like she was silly for wanting attention the way she did. That it was impossible to live that way. It is only what you see in movies, that kind of life doesn't exist in the real world.

She should have gotten out then. It would have been easier, but it isn’t easier now because she was so deeply in love with him then and even more so now. The thing that she fears the most is the possibility of losing the love that she has for him. And that would mean divorce. And then she would be out on her own, again. Her heart would be ripped to shreds and then it would be over. Inside she knows that their relationship is over. She feels the distance grow stronger every day. There is really no way that he could not be in love with someone else. They talk and share nothing. The hole in her heart is so large that it is all she knows.

It is just a matter of time before she comes to that cross road where she has to make a decision. As long as she doesn't fuss, what is the point of her husband ever leaving, he can do what he wants. He never answers to her. 

Enough of the pity-party, she tells herself. Time to move on and think about something else. She had to admit that when she was dancing with Gerald or when she was practicing her lines on stage, she felt good about herself, but still she felt the hole and it was hard to be completely happy. 

She finally drifted off to sleep. The book laying on her chest and after a little while the bedroom door opens and her husband comes in. He sees her lying on the bed and he smiles to himself. She looked so innocent laying there like an angel. He's thinking maybe he should tell her sometime. But now wouldn't be the time, he doesn't want to wake her. He quietly changes his clothes and slips into bed. He is glad to be home. She always keeps everything nice for him. He should probably tell her that too. Maybe I will tomorrow. OH tomorrow he shouts in his thoughts. There is so much to do. I will have very little time to sleep tonight. He takes the book off of her chest and gently puts in on the night stand. He turns off the lamp and pulls the blanket around himself and drifts off to sleep.

Reviews

[Distant horizons]

Maybe tomorrow, words thought how many times before and never actioned. She sounds like a saint, but with the last thoughts from her husband, i do feel a twist in this tale some time soon.
Very nicely done. I believe the female character to be very well thought out, as her thoughts on how her life have worked out are said so softly, almost wistfully, where many more would feel bitterness and resentment. Shesounds like a person of intrigue.
I like the build up too. There is pleenty of info already laid out in such a short part of the story that it is easy seeing this take on a life of its own and interweaving with more parts of the puzzle, without the feel of many stories to blurt out everything at once and throw ina couple of routine twists and turns.
My advice would be to definitely continue with it. I think i'd like to find out about her and wether he survives :-)

[no sun]

well that about sums up my life.....now I have nothing to write about. :) this is interesting and can easily become a novel. the main characters resemble millions of couples that can relate to what they are going through. that is a good audience to have. enjoy your style of writing. hope this becomes more. if you decide to turn this into a novel you should remove this piece. good luck and thank you for posting this.

[EMF]

After reading your poetry I was curious as to how you would write a story. You poetry was out of this world. Simply put, your story telling is even better. You have a perfect voice and a slow build that makes you want more, which I'm sure you are more than capable of delivering. The impression I got was that this is only just the begining of the story. That there is so much of the story you could tell, if you wanted to. So many threads and ideas to explore.
Yes. a few things worth an edit, but you'll spot them in time. I'm not the guy to complain about typo's or grammar. And for me, it's about ideas and story telling, not staying within prescribed rules.
And you are one Hell of a story teller.
Trus me. If I knew you better that review would be sprinkled with a lot of curse words as well, because you write so easily and so much more refined than I do.
You've left a hack jealous

[Martin See]

Indeed a rare glimpse of the devoted wife in yesterday's context. From a male perspective I found your story insightful of the emotional turmoils that women go through to keep a relationship. From the many women I know, most would have called it quits and moved on. I thoroughly enjoyed the story with only the exception if it were fictional. The story's suggestion of infidelity is common place, however, what makes this story unique is the wife's enduring love for her man despite her doubts. Your story reminds me of decades past when women would put up with such marital conditions. It's in its own way a memory of the past where women were less emancipated. Personally, I found your story somewhat more engaging to people who have grown up in the 50s. I was a 70s kid so as much as I found it enlightening what women are willing to do for their man, I can't relate to it. Nonetheless a very good write. Keep up with it! You're doing a brilliant job! It did make me think about the generations past. Great stuff!

[André]

I score it high, but I don't like the story. Its an exact replica of my divorce. Having said that. I think it is intense and true. I was having the exact same thoughts about my own writing and was thinking that people don't like hearing about more problems and more responsibility. Had it not been for that I wouldn't have pushed through. I'm glad I did though. It all came together at the end!

[Jon Sanders]

Reminders me of cheevers. I think it's harder to tell than to show. Consider title. Stereo typing my gender loses readers. Mabe a title to attract men is-layed off stripper lays off lover. Just generizing....

[Kathrine]

I enjoyed this. I think you express the torment inside of her beautifully. The reader feels sadness for her, and can feel sadness if they have ever been in a similar situation. You drew a clear picture of her life. I would like to see the book she is reading be tied more into the story. You brought up a great contrast of the different style of cultures, I would just love to see that played out a little more. I love the end, where the husband expresses gratitude toward his wife, but the habit of always waiting for tomorrow is driving the drift in their marriage. You did a lovely job.

[P.S.Chance]

I am so moved by this. It could be about me in many respects and you did such a good job of painting the panic of a wife who knows something is wrong, not sure what it is. I hope we find the peace we are searching for. Thank you for sharing this.

[Matt Anderson]

No one every knows exactly what the significant other is doing / thinking, if there is no trust, there is no relationship. I like it a lot, great read.

[Liderien]

Thank you for your reveiw bluesadmoon. I love it when people give me good critique.
The talk of human nature and those who are weak or strong. Does this not make up the true nature of all? We cannot all be the same person in measure of tolerance. Indeed there are women just as I describe, for I used to be one.
The measure of love is as individual as the color of skin, eyes, hair, and the idea of love truly comes within.
This was the beginning of a book I thought I was going to write, however, it got placed aside for many months. As with ourselves, events and thoughts, they change. And I plan this later on.

I like to quote a line from a song I love so much:
"Hearts and thoughts they fade...fade away."

[bluessadmood]

yes you ve done so well here..i like the whole build up of events
i like too how you make her jump from one thought to the other
like the mind never stopping looking for options and how so true
so true how we behave like this..only though i loved her character
naive and kind ,you made her a little too weak..she should have
to look for her own way..even with a strong love ,you should never
hang on the same nest ,always be ready to take a flight i you never liked
whats going around you ,human nature i call it,though everyone has his own way
really this was so good i did not understand him why such thing on his mind
to tell her that could not wait,though i really would not take much notice of that
lovely write..