I'm a Stranger to Myself

A Story by LindaE

In the bathroom, I turn on the vanity light and look into the mirror.
It's happening again.
Her eyes are wanting, she blinks, but I don't feel it. Her sinewy arm reaches to turn off the light switch, and I am powerless to stop it. I have no control when she visits and I don't intend to take it, for who knows where she could take me. She switches the lights off and a wave of calm returns. This time the visit was short, no gasps for air, no shakes and no cries of disbelief. This is an improvement, I've suffered from not being able to recognise myself for years, but more recently, she is visiting less frequently.

Whenever I get these episodes - I'm calling them episodes for the single fact that I am merely an observer when she visits - my perception is neither negative or positive. It manifests into something so incomprehensible the I can only describe it as bewilderment.
There is no resemblance between us and I know she doesn't like me.

I've heard the term prosopagnosia and read several experiences about not being to recognise faces but I don't think I fit into that. When she visits I don't recognise my face, my arms, or any part of myself. Terrifyingly I only recognise her.
It's in the eyes, they meet and things change instantly. There is no greeting, no small talk - just an intrusion that removes me so much from myself that I no longer feel at home.
Things just fall apart.

I can turn the light back on now, she only ever locks eye with me for a few seconds at a time, so I can turn the light back on now. She is always disrupting things and never appears when I'm feeling low, or upset. She doesn't remind me of her presence when I'm angry or depressed, she is an inconvenience. It's happened for so long it no longer frightens me, merely throws me into a state of shock for a few minutes. I pull my hair into a bun and as a strand falls lose, she's back.
I need to get ready, what does she want?
I wasn't even looking to my eyes this time. That's how I've managed to avoid her in the past, but she's evolving and learning, soon she is going to become a problem.

We all get feelings of wanting to be some else, it's natural. As humans we are greedy and would love to have it all. I think I opened her portal when I used to retreat. Growing up, my parent's fights would leave me with such fear, I would often retreat into myself and pretend I wasn't theirs. Pretend I didn't live at home.
My usual go to place was to be young 20 something living in the US, hot and single with loads of friends and admirers. It was warm there, it felt almost nostalgic. In the safety of part of my mind I would go there to feel anything but fear, but my imagination has faded with time and with the exposure to reality that comes with age.

Where are you?
That has always puzzled me. I don't know where she comes from, where she dwells. With every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, so did I create somewhere dark and soulless when I retreated? It would appear so as she seems to want mine, my soul that it, if you believe in that sort of thing.

The heat of the shower has give me some solace, she's gone. I probably won't see her for a few months now, but that depends on how happy I am.
She only want's to see me happy.