One Month

One Month

A Story by Linda

  I keep typing then erasing ... Trying to find the right emotions being felt today.
  I usually am not the selfish type . The kind to put others before oneself. But today ... Today is my day. I am finally one month clean... 
   Many people might look at it as if it isn't long ...but my God, the road to recovery seems to be like such an abysmal black hole with just a flicker of light at the end.
   So many days have past where the demons in my head told me to just do it. Just a little . Rip a layer just to feel better. In the beginning it was hell ...
   I would cry with no rational reasoning. I would get random anxiety attacks , feeling as if my chest was being crushed . And that every time I tried to breathe , someone was jabbing my lungs with needles. I put make up on my scars to try to be normal and not wear sweaters on such a blazing day.
   Everyday I went to school thinking "I will smile today" I don't think I ever missed any inanimate object in my life . 
   I always walked through school trying to find ways to distract myself from cutting . From letting the cool metal take over and carve it's presence into my skin like a tattoo.reminding me how pathetic and weak I am.
    I went to lunch almost everyday and locked eyes with the guy that would make my heart skip a beat just by smiling. His arms around me made me happy, yet pity him . Making me think "if only you truly knew the broken item that you are holding right would be disgusted.." 
   I use to walk home after school and just stare at my scars ... And think "what if I just reopen the same place? That wouldn't count would it?"always trying to find loop holes.
    Making dinner was the worst . Every time I cooked and turned the stove on high , a part of me just wanted to feel the flesh melting off my wrist . I would shake my head and go on. But it was always still buried in my mind .
     I would take boiling hot water to let it hit against my skin until I was as red as blood . Before bed . I put another day to "days clean" 5 days turned to 15. 
   At times i felt my skin burning and itching from wanting to be carved . But I wouldn't ...
  Then again, each day . The same routine .
  Going to school . Faking a smile. Seeing the same guy . Who little did he know later that the day I spilled my feelings for him and he did the same to me ... I had just hurt myself 5 days ago. Then Walking home  cook dinner . Repeat.
Slowly I went to day 25 and so on. Finally smiling. Going to school and seeing him . Having his arms around me . The scars started to fade ... The light at the end of the road became brighter ... Till today 12.11.13 . One month .
 But although this is a big triumph .... It is just the end of one road.To my left is another road  to go through ... To get to what seems to be a tiny flickering light .... That little light called "2 months clean" 
   Until my next triumph....

© 2016 Linda

Author's Note

old piece about celebrating 1 month clean

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Added on April 29, 2016
Last Updated on April 29, 2016
Tags: Love, self harm, triumph, happy, anniversary




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