Dialogue in Search of a Story?

experimental telephonic dialogue

    “Hello, Winthrop residence…. Stephen?  I’m sorry, you must have a wrong number…. Yes, this is the Winthrop’s…. I’m sorry, I don’t…I’m not your mother, honey…. Margaret? Oh! you’re looking for Mags?…Stevie, it’s got to be Stevie, I’m sorry, dear…I’m a little muddled right now…been readin’ about tornadoes in the Reader’s Digest…never knew they were so big…. Oh, this is your great aunt Harriett, dear…. Just visitin’…. Oh, I feel fine…hip still gives me the what for now and then…. six years, it’s been six years since I fell…. your mom? She’s in the kitchen makin’ us malts…you know I used to do that for her when she was little…always wantin’ to go visit aunt Birdie…Blanche used to say to me…wantin’ a malt…she’d beg and I’d act like I didn’t know what one was…. Yeah, you can talk to her…just a minute…MAGS!”
    “Not quite ready yet, Birdie!”
    “It’s Stevie, Mags!”
    “Stevie?!…here?”
    “No, on the phone!…. sorry, she’s a little out of it today.”
    “What?!”
    “Turn off the blender, Mags…your boy’s on the phone!…. I think she finally understood…. Here she comes…. you have a good day too, sweetie….”
    “Hello, Stephen?…. what do you mean, finally?…yeah, well you’re still ‘Stevie’ to a lot of us sometimes…. Birdie? Oh, she’s staying with us for awhile.”
    “What? I heard my name.”
    “Nothing, Birdie. He’s just askin’ after you….

“He did that

How are things?…. Couple of months—four tops….

earlier…didn’t I answer him?”

Maybe a little, but she was probably napping….”
    “Napping? wasn’t either,” she muttered.
    “…. just a second…. What’s that Birdie?”
    “I’m readin’ that’s all…talkin’ to myself. How’s your Stevie?”
    “He’s alright…. How have things been honey?…. Moving again? so soon, you just got there…. has it really been a year?…. you shouldn’t talk like that….”
    “Got where?”
    “Washington….

“Washington…rain….

….Sorry, Oregon….

…still rains…

….some little town…. so it’s not that little, you want to

…what’s the difference?…

confuse her?….
    “Confuse who?”
    “…. uh, Stephen’s girlfriend, Birdie….”
    “What’s she like?”
    “Sweet girl….”
    Birdie returned to her Digest.
    “…. No, I don’t think she does…I certainly never told her…. yeah, you’re right…so, how is he…it’s too damp there isn’t it?…. Cold, then?….”
    “…he who?…” she looked over her glasses.
    “…He?, I said she, Birdie…turn your hearing aid up…”
    “…it is up…” she muttered “…you said he….”
    “…. that’s good…really, why isn’t it?…. No, I don’t think I understand how all that works…. Anyway, I’m glad he’s feeling better….”
    “…you said it again…” she said from behind her Digest.
    “…what?…”
    “…you said he…”
    “…I meant she…. How are you two money-wise?…. Let me send you some, moving and all…. but I want to…. then send it back
in my birthday card….

“…he’s got a boyfriend,” Birdie exhaled.

…What did you say, Birdie?”
    “…nothin’, just an old lady talkin’ to herself again…don’t mind me…”
    “…you said something…”
    “…no, I didn’t…
    “I thought you did…. anyway, Chicago then?…. when?”

“I was just sayin’…your Stevie’s got a boyfriend…huh?”

    “What?…why do you say that…”
    “You said he…”
    “I meant she…I know what I meant…and that’s it….”
    “Mags, I’m old but not stupid…”
    “I never said you were…. don’t ask me, she’s off on something….”
    “…is he a nice boy?….
    “…who, Stephen?…”
    “…no, his boyfriend…”
    “…. Uh,…. I don’t know she just said it…..”
    “…kind of hard not to notice…”
    “…’kind of hard not to notice’…. beats me….”
    “I lived in New York you know…in the City….[conspiratorily] I’ve seen ballet, you know…. a long time ago, but still….”

“…she said she ‘lived in New York’…”

    “Besides it’s not that hard to tell…”

“She said ‘it’s not that hard to tell’….”

    “…my uncle Mark was gay, you know…”
    “No, I didn’t…

…she says her ‘uncle Mark was gay’….

where did you learn that word?…”

“…I read you know…

….don’t mind me anymore, Mags…talk to your son….”
    “…anyway…”

“…is he good to him?….”

Reviews

[Kenji Light]

Heh. I was quite amused. Especially at the efforts to cover up the fact that Stephen had a boyfriend. That in itself made this read worth it. I think it was written very well also. I think though, that you could experiment a little more with how to set off who is who when Birdie is interjecting because it gets a little confusing at certain parts. Maybe you could offset her with a tab when it is not offset at the side in small letters. I think that would help when it gets to the cramped middle section where it gets harder to distinguish the voices.

[Writer CW Kirkland]

This was a good piece, but I also found it to be a bit confusing. I understand your goal may have been to make it somewhat confusing because of all of the back-and-forth dialogue. I think the message was very good, but I do recommend adjusting the formatting so that it is easier to read. I was picturing my mother and Aunt Bobbi having this conversation when they are older. Thanks for sharing this story, and I look forward to reading your other writing as well.

[Carl Taylor]

It was interesting. It was a little funny but it was so hard to read that I was more confused. I like it, but I just got so lost trying to read it I could not get all that I could have out of it.

[Jack Frost v.2]

loved it man, good stuff ;P

[luthien7]

I like this very much - very natural dialogue. It would not work as well, I don't think, with any added, direct statements outside of the dialogue - you get a very interesting picture of the lives involved, if not a totally accurate one, the way you would overhearing any cell phone conversation in a grocery store. The asides from Aunt Birdie give it character, and the way hers and the mother's conversation kind of mixes together (position-wise) at the end works. Really great
Thanks for the opportunity to read!

[Red Raven]

As i reread it again, this piece strike out as quit extra ordinaire from the WC works.
Okay! so here it is-
Four unknown people talking,
two on the phone, two others beside.
so, technically two people or...both have the psychological problem called schizophrenia.(Kidding)
A person trying to talk about an article, and another reminiscing.
well, we have had this sort of long conversation in real life... where even after 30 minutes of talking we still don't understand what we were talking about, or to whom, for that matter. I think it is called "one track mind"you are stuck with your idea, and you do not really hear or understand what the other person is talking about.And this one comes out in quit an amusing way.
Thanks for the share.

RedRaven

[Stonewall]

Hey man, I actually found this easy enough to follow. Quite amusing too, although possibly the most confusing part was fitting in the bits of dialogue in the smaller font with the right hand side orientation.

I like that it is all dialogue, but possibly the best way to clean this up would be to throw in the odd line about what old Birdie who 'has read' is actually doing in the background.

It was fun to eavesdrop on the conversation, so to speak, and there was quite a clear sense of what the son was asking just by reading his mother's lines.

[Red Raven]

I cannot make it out or get the drift. It is indeed a difficult read.
I think there are more then four character involved in the conversation.
Mind if i come back again?
This seems like a challenge but i will need your little help in the starting point apart from the info you have highlighted.

[Tyler James]

This is a very complex piece and the beginning lost me. I tried hard to but couldn't recover from the first paragraph. I don't mean to criticise and i don't claim to know the whole ins and outs of writing, but i think this was a little too experimental for me. The plus point been that the character 'developement' worked for me and Mags was very real.