Playing With the Monster

My son's descent into mental illness.

There was a Monster

who used to
stand at the door and say,
"Hey,Mikey! please, come out today and play!"
to
my little boy, my sunshine ray.
And so, he went, with chubby hand
held out
so trusting, so innocent, so sweet.....
and then, he was gone.

And in his place was left a man
who is naught but a fragile shell.
No zest, no expression in his once-beautiful eyes --
his life had become a hell.

Tormented, tormented! and feeling all alone,
except....
for the voices (in his head) with mercy there is none.
Commanding, cajoling, bribing him to obey
And....so he does
often,(barely) living for another day.
with 7? suicide attempts at hand
much to his regret, his heartbeat is never stilled.

Mind numbing, emotion numbing
medications keep him alive, but not.
And nothing can be said, nothing can be taught
about
the never-ending sadness, the grief that goes not away.

Not for big Mikey, who was lured out to play
and danced
with the Monster-- Paranoid Schizophrenia
who took away my sunshine ray's

last chance
to be....
normal, and happy....and free.

And what kind of mother prays to her God,
"Next time, Lord....perhaps it would better be
if my sonshine ray didn't wake up, but be truly free?"

Am I another type of monster who wishes ill her son,
is it his pain, or my own?
That I am wishing to be ever done?
 

Reviews

[holyspirit1]

i have schizophrenia so the doctor says but i wonder if thats true i quit taking my meds 6 years ago and life is alot better..maybe the medicine is not right for your son..you can always try another kind or go to a different doctor.it helps me to talk with a psychologist and a psychiatrist who says to keep my medicine around if i need it i do and i have a box full of unopened bottles..and the voices when ignored eventually go away its very rare if i hear anything now and when i might it might be when a stressful situation arises i would get more than one doctors thoughts about your son..i just accept myself for who i am.. different..

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Longing for Home,

This is a touching piece that expresses your anguish and desperation quite clearly. It cuts to the bone. This is a horrible situation with which to deal. In many ways it is worse than the loss of a loved one. So I do not wonder at all at your wishes for final peace for your son. My best wishes to you.

Kind regards,

Rick

[TL Boehm]

wrenching. My younger son was thought to be ADD, then ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and at one point, bipolar. He threatened suicide a couple of years ago. Now at 13 he is actually more "whole" than he was at 4, but we still deal with his intensity, his moodiness, and the emotional complexity that makes up his personality. I keep hoping that we can, through behavior modification, diet and other avenues, that he will eventually be a productive adult - but I watch him carefully. My family has its monsters...monsters that kill and it is heart wrenching to know that even the best efforts of a loving parent - don't stop some monsters. Thank you for having the integrity and transparency to share this.

[justjenn_2u]

Mental illness, such a painful journey. I battle mental illness every day and happiness can never be counted on.

I know that living with someone who is mentally ill is no easier than the one who is ill.

You expressed yourself well and I appreciate the insight you give here.

[Voice]

This is so deep and sad, I was literally crying. This poem is so amazing and emotion filled�

Voice

[J.Black]

I must agree with what Legion stated. Thanks for sharing this.

[Legion]

That is a horrid situation for both of you to live with. I applaud your sharing this and that damnable question at the end. My heart bleeds for both of you.